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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 10:54

larrygrylls your post is shocking. The OP has neglected to ^dust the doorframes* not feed the children or collect them from school.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2017 10:56

You know, it's not your job to keep him on an even keel and you shouldn't be pussyfooting around him

If he can notice dust on top of a door, he can also wipe it off - I'd be fucking livid with him

OvertheRainbow2U · 21/02/2017 10:58

Jesus H Christ on a bike - what a DICK! Show him the 'dusty door' or just fling him out of a filthy window -either way would suit.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:59

Thankyou. To answer the SAHM question, it was a mutual decision after DS1. We were expat for a while. DH was an options trader but got very dmfissffected with the whole banking thing and went self-employed. I could have gone back to work, but I think it would have been too much.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 21/02/2017 10:59

He's fallen into the misconception that it's ok to take it out on the person who loves him.

It's one thing guaranteed to make me want to scream. Why the hell do people think it's acceptable to take their temper out on the last person in the world they should be doing it to?

Their excuse is .... it's safe because they won't sack me/punch me/think less of me etc......

You need to sit down with him and put a stop to this as it erodes trust and ultimately destroys love.

RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 11:01

WHat has he done to prove that he would move the world for you and that he is kind and generous?

The timing of the comments feel like he is basically trying to keep you u at your place.
So comment about dust on the door frame before going for a ride (to make you look at what needs cleaning whilst away)
Questions about where his shirt is (fgs, can he not one his eyes and have a thinly bit of independence?? I'm sure he would never do that at work), is about bringing all the attention towards him (sams with eye contact etc.l btw) when you are obviously busy with something else.

My dad could be like this sometimes btw. So used to have everyone jumping around at work as he was THE boss, that he easily forgot that the same wasnt true at home. I remember clearly my mum having to remind him of that....

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 21/02/2017 11:01

Sounds exhausting to live with. And how the fuck do you ride a bike for 8 hours..?Hmm

Larry that's a ridiculous point of view. Firstly I don't think OP has even said she is a SAHP, you are assuming.
Secondly, even if she is, that doesn't make her husband her boss FFS. Actually, I left my job because my boss spoke to me like I was a skivvy, no way would I put up with it from a man whose high flying career I had helped to facilitate.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:02

The main hobbies are cycling and martial arts. I know some partners have issues about their DH's time out the house for hobbies, but tbh, his hobbies make my life easier.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/02/2017 11:02

great post olympia-completely agree

if my dh said to me oh u missed some dust there id say thats nice theres the duster

im assuming then he does nothing around the house or with the kids because hes too stressed

hes not hm hes a twat

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 21/02/2017 11:02

I should imagine this is how he speaks to his staff at work.

He sounds delightful.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 21/02/2017 11:03

X post-fast moving thread! OK, so yes, a SAHP. I stand by what I said.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/02/2017 11:03

Would you like a job out of the house OP ?

PageStillNotFound404 · 21/02/2017 11:03

I'm another who read your post and immediately thought "walking on eggshells". I couldn't live like that.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me.

Including dusting the top of the door frame because he noticed the dust first? Including spending more time being a husband and father? Including remembering you're his wife not his housekeeper? Including respecting you, as a person in your own right?

RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 11:03

Why are his hobbies making yur life easier?
Because he isn't there to put you down or because you didn't walk eggshell when he isnt there?

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:04

This whole managing-his-temper thing smacks of abuse, please know this. My husband and I have kind of similar setup to you and he is far from perfect but my temper is just as hot or hotter than his and we take turns diffusing one another on any given day.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 21/02/2017 11:06

but tbh, his hobbies make my life easier.

And there you have it.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:06

He puts a lot of pressure on himself, regardless of anything I say or do. It's always the next thing - nothing is ever enough for him.
He doesn't even need to work anymore tbh. Whenever he gets a payout he just reinvests in the next thing and then it goes from there.

OP posts:
cowshindtail · 21/02/2017 11:06

Sounds abusive , manipulative ,selfish and undermining to me.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:07

His hobbies make him more relaxed and "normal" is what I mean.

OP posts:
BareGrylls · 21/02/2017 11:08

Your children are approaching teenage years when it's often the parents who are walking on eggshells. You sound as though you are bringing them up on your own.
How do they handle his lack of involvement and criticism?

peggyundercrackers · 21/02/2017 11:09

from his comments i wondered if your cleaner is doing their job properly?

Parker231 · 21/02/2017 11:10

Sounds like it would be a good idea you got a job and a working life of your own. I wouldn't put up with the behavior you have described. He needs to realize he is just one person in the family and everything doesn't revolve around him.

Moreisnnogedag · 21/02/2017 11:12

larry you are joking right? my Dh is a sahp and I'm relatively high earning. I'm not his boss!! I don't get to swan in and wave a white gloved hand about telling him he's missed x or y. It's so rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't dream of it unless I was hoping for a divorce.

Op I'd speak to your husband about how the snippy comments make you feel and that he needs to step out of work mode at home. He's probably used to identifying little things in his job which need addressing but needs to realise that unless he plans to rectify those things himself he shouldn't say them aloud.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye · 21/02/2017 11:12

You are not allowed to criticise him AT ALL. Is he God?

He treats you like a human appliance/housekeeper/nanny.

From what you have described I can guarantee he does next to nothing around the house and with the kids.

Imagine if you separated and he had the children every weekend? His cushty lifestyle would be seriously fucked. Has he ever actually parented and looked after his own children? Ever?

His massive overblown, inflated ego comes across very clearly; he sounds like a narcissist. Personally, I would not tolerate this shit, he has no respect for you.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 11:12

He is involved with the kids in his own way -e.g. he's good at taking them out and about. He gets very claustrophobic in the house for more than a few hours, but it's easier now the DC are older. DS1 is clashing a bit with DH these days. He finds the girls easier.

OP posts:
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