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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
riceuten · 22/02/2017 19:05

Boarding schools are complete waste of money - don't bother.

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonSnowsFantasyLover555 · 22/02/2017 19:16

I went to boarding school as a forces child and have been deeply traumatised by the whole experience. It's vital to listen to your children when they tell you they are unhappy... But also some people simply do not realise what they are going through is not positive as it appears normal to them at the time. I also have a number of friends experiencing irreconcilable issues with partners who are unable to form healthy relationships due to coping mechanisms learnt while growing up in an institution. These websites are very supportive and helpful: www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk www.boardingconcern.org.uk

Eliza22 · 22/02/2017 19:18

Does your DD want to go?

I was ten when I went to boarding school. I wanted to go as I'd got a scholarship and it was, at the time, a huge opportunity. Same ballet school as Darcey Bussell. However, I was terribly homesick and with hindsight, wouldn't have gone so young.

They ought not to be pushing you. It's a massive step. I wouldn't have sent my son to boarding school, let's put it that way.

foxyloxy78 · 22/02/2017 19:21

Keep your kids at home with you. I know so many people who have boarded and totally resent their parents for it.

semper · 22/02/2017 19:22

I think you know that you should not allow your DH's parents to decide. It is an important decision for you as parents , together with your daughter, to make. My children, now in their early 20's, were weekly boarders from 13 to 18. It worked very well for them. Sometimes they stayed at weekends for sport and concerts. Sometimes their friends whose parents lived abroad came to stay at our house. I loved having them over. My daughter took a few weeks to settle and I used to cry just thinking about her being unhappy. But she blossomed at the school and made wonderful friends. My son couldn't wait to go to (the same) boarding school. He is very sporty and it was perfect for him. I agree that there are a lot of judgmental people around. It was quite hurtful being asked how I could bear "to send my children away". There's no right or wrong answer to school choices. Other than what you feel is best for your child. Good luck!

Realjournal123 · 22/02/2017 19:26

It's usually a tradition in families. Surprised it's a mixed boarding school- normally they are single sex. Anyway, don't be persuaded if it's not something you yourself have previously considered. PIL probably just feel she will get a better education than the state school. I do nt think they mean to be controlling but of course it comes over that way. It's either right for your child or not and you have tone so comfortable with it otherwise you'll feel guilty and wretched. It's not for me either or my children.

Eliza22 · 22/02/2017 19:26

Should add, my mum used to have strangers quester her "motherliness" in terms of "how can you send her away? She's SO little". This was in the 70's and I was from a working class background, in the north of England. I stuck out like a sore thumb with my accent and changed myself, pretty quickly, to "fit in".

Realjournal123 · 22/02/2017 19:35

Another thing - and the main one- I really couldn't Bear the idea of someone else bring up my child! The thought of their empty bed every night and wondering what she's up to and is someone being mean to her, is she happy, is she eating ok?? So many reasons not to send my child. A male friend of mine was one of the now countless number of men abused at his boarding school. The very thought of it kills me.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 22/02/2017 19:39

I would go and visit this school and also attend as many Open Days at other surrounding schools so you have something to compare. That way you will be able to explain your reasons why you accept/decline the Grandparents off and make an informed decision. Do what suits your child and family.

Also bear in mind schools can change drastically. My children attended a school which a number of generations had attended previously. Everything about the school had changed beyond all recognition. We ended up removing our child! It was sad breaking the family connection, but we had to do the best thing for our child.

One of my teenage children boards. She is extremely musical and is at a school which caters for this (unlike the other neighbouring state and private schools). Prior to this I was very anti boarding! The decision to go to this school was also her choice and enables her to follow her passion.

happybee1 · 22/02/2017 19:41

My brother's all went to boarding school and hated it. My cousin also disliked it. All felt like they were being sent away.
YANBU, do what you feel is right for your children. Good luck.

Maireadplastic · 22/02/2017 19:42

I can't believe some consider it because it's a convenient alternative to ferrying their children to different clubs. They didn't choose to be born, they probably don't even choose to go to half the clubs.
They are not an inconvenience getting in the way of you having a life, they are your children- honour that.

lovelylula · 22/02/2017 19:51

Thx for this post as has helped me realise not a site for me, why you would consider sending your kids away is beyond me....

Daydream007 · 22/02/2017 20:05

Sounds like they are only interested in family tradition which is the wrong reason to send your child away to boarding school. Follow your heart and do what your daughter wants. Don't let them control you

upsidedownmonkey · 22/02/2017 20:08

I went to boarding school at 13 and loved it (my mum was hoping I would hate it and want to go home). I now have a year 5 DS and year 3 DD and could not imagine them living away from me ........ yes I know they will leave home at some point! I think in general if a child wants to and it's the right school it can be a great experience but they also need to feel able to say they made the wrong decision and want to come home and for that to be ok too. I think in your situation with PIL paying (never mind the control it has over you) the pressure on your DC to do well, succeed and appreciate being given the opportunities may not be a good thing. How would PIL react if it doesn't work out? Just something else to consider.

NavyandWhite · 22/02/2017 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterymuffin · 22/02/2017 20:12

Would you ever have thought of it if they hadn't made this offer? Has your husband ever expressed a desire before this to send his children to boarding school?

dansmum · 22/02/2017 20:16

Would the boarding school be a better match for your DD and DS educational needs than the local school- would it be a good match ?

You should at least go on an open day to both the local school and the boarding school and make the decision that is right for your family- you can at least agree to go and look ( with your children) but without the grandparents. It may be better to go and look- perhaps consider using their 6th form for example in the future if they offer the subjects your children want. If your children have any additional learning needs sometimes the smaller classes can be beneficial- sometimes the schools can meet the childs need- some say they can...but do not. Choose from both schools on the value of merit. You may be surprised at what you discover. Offering to go see without commiting also makes you seem reasonable in PIL eyes- a blanket 'no' could come across badly. Once you and DH have visited both schools- and come to a decision together- then you can both present a united front to PIL. Good Luck !

Madcats · 22/02/2017 20:24

My neck of the woods is awash with adverts for open mornings in a couple of weeks' time. I would at least let DD have a look around (once you have read reviews etc).

Yes it will/ought to be very rose-tinted positivity, but at least you will get to meet some teachers and get a general idea of the place. Try to see another couple of schools too (if you are hoping to explain why this is not "the school").

Maybe my DD's (day)school is different, but new kids join regularly throughout the academic years so, whilst it is best to make the move at 11 or 13 (not sure which you are), it isn't a disaster.

Would the long(er) school holidays work for you if she did board?

Gosh, I wish I had that sort of prospective retirement income!

mandyh1980 · 22/02/2017 20:29

I went to boarding school when I was16. Although I mainly enjoyed it there is no way I would send my own children. Some of my friends went from the age of 8 and that to me is ridiculously young.
My school did a 6 day week so even if you could go home on a weekend, the weekend started at 4pm on Saturday and ended at 6.30pm on Sunday. We did get very long holidays though Smile
Ultimately it's your choice and not your PIL.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2017 20:31

mollythedogsmum I've tried to read as much as I can, especially looking out for your posts, but I have missed some!

I think their offer is both generous and controlling and I suspect their motives are not what is best for your dd. Because if it was, they would include other local schools.

What did your dh think of the school? What does your dh think of the offer? I am sorry if I missed that, I did try and look for that answer.

In one sense I would find this would drive a wedge between me and my in-laws and in one sense I would find it very hard to relate to them in future. But the offer they have made may benefit your dd in some way.

The first thing I would do is visit the school with dh but not dd. I would visit on a non-visiting day and try and use my critical powers to see how nurturing and kind, fulfilling etc, the environment is.

I'd then (unless truly alarmed by what I found) go again with dh and dd and maybe your son too to visit on the open day/and/or another general day.

If you dd really want to go there I would either say OK to boarding with a six months review in her mind, or I would explore moving closer to the school.

If I chose to move closer to the school I would rent locally, if you can afford to (maybe rent out your house) and see how it worked. This might mean taking your son out of school to a new school but by not selling your own home you could all move back if wished. I'd also explore a sabbatical from work, if you could afford it.

Make sure you also look round all local schools, either state or fee-paying if you could afford and compare this offer with what you could afford/what dd could attend (scholarship or local state school etc, locally).

I'd see what sort of UK residential (e.g. adventure) holidays or otherwise take unaccompanied kids and send dd on one for a week to see how she got on. All as research.

Despite the apparent kindness of this offer I am afraid I would probably lesson off contact with PILs and I would see this as a genuinely hostile move on their part IMHO.

All of these thoughts are my own and of course I would consult my husband about everything too.

Lastly, I agree with Meeep "The sorts of people who would only give you the fees money for their specific chosen school, are exactly the sorts of people who could choose to pull funding at a later stage for some stupid reason or other."

I would really want some sort of reassurances that this would not be the case, e.g. a trust fund set up for both the children's education.

I find this offer from your PILs really quite alarming and am just grateful my in laws both cannot afford this and would never put me/us in this position.

This is no reflection in boarding schools when chosen specifically because they are right for an individual child, which does not appear to be the case here.

Lonnika123 · 22/02/2017 20:36

Lovelylula - people send their children to board for a variety of reasons. YOUR post is judgemental and ugly. I see so many neglected children who live at home. Sending a child to boarding school does not mean you don't love them. Perhaps you should meet some families who have children who board and then make a more 'informed' decision

BellaBoo2222 · 22/02/2017 21:05

Your child, your decision. I went to boarding school. It's fine but the loss of a shared experience growing up is undeniable. You will both feel it and you only get one shot at being a parent to your child. There is no need for sending a child away nowadays in order to give them a better chance. Put it this way, we moved back home to U.K. after both of us, former expat boarding school kids ourselves, to educate our children localy, In order that we didn't have to send them away. I have a 15, and 13y old and I thank every evening when I kiss them good night that we didn't send them away.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/02/2017 21:08

Strange to offer to pay for only this particular school, but which school is it?

Marlborough?

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 22/02/2017 21:35

OP, if you move, could your DD be a day pupil then?

If yes, I'd definitely at least go and see the school.

My many children have been to both state and private and in our experience the private wins hands down. I think it's worth going to look at least fwiw, eespecially since your daughter regards it as Malory Towers, as mine did before she went and still does now, even though she's a day pupil.