AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

[mollythedogsmum]

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

Move closer and send them as day pupils. People are very squeamish about boarding schools. My kids school has boarders (a relatively small percentage) and it's absolutely brilliant. It's not the 1950's any more, boarding schools are modern organisations that offer brilliant opportunities to the right kids. Just make sure you make the decision based on what's right for your children.

Trying to sit on hands and not rise to the bait of the ignoramus who lives near the sea.

Having read through some of the responses I do think you have to be guided by & prepared to listen to DD, even if she loves it.

Two stories:

1. me, I didn't want to go to the exclusive boarding school my parents were so proud to send us to and where my sister was. I wanted the local grammar school. I got in & my parents wouldn't let me go and I was dreadfully unhappy at the private boarding school thanks to be an academic achiever. (School prided itself on being an independent comp). I was bullied, never flourished, things happened which really messed me up and I haven't fully recovered from. I never go to reunions or have any friends from there. Though, for balance others I know, thrived. It's very different now, looking at the prospectus, I think league tables and competition forced it to improve across the board. I still resent my parents a bit for not listening to me.

2. DD12 (Yr 8) goes to an independent day school. Long story but I didn't really have much say, divorced from her dad who pays & I was advised to choose a school that suited or it would go to family court. He has a thing for private ed...

Anyway we got moved for current DH's job and had 5 weeks notice to find a school. DD was in Year 6 and we had missed state school applications. Not knowing the area we went round all the schools & took DD with us. Ex was pushing/itching for the highly selective academic hothouse in top 20 schools in country. We were told that DD would get in as she is very bright and was scoring over 95% consistently on the papers etc.

She fell in love with the far less selective far more pastoral school with a focus on producing rounded, ethical children. A school that's slightly looked down on by those on the dinner party circuit. There are plenty of famous name schools here that were open to her.

Ex was disappointed but let DD have her choice as she is quite an anxious personality. (I was cheering). She looked at the school and fell in love with it. 2 years in she is thriving, happy and secure and has found her own niche. Her teachers told me that she would have been miserable/crushed had she gone to the famous name, because you need a certain personality to flourish there.

I think it helped that because she chose, she had mentally bought in, in advance. Hope that helps.

I've never had a child at boarding school so just wanted to say good luck with the decision OP. Very tricky knowing what is best with schools.

I always said that I would never send my boys to private school because I didn't go, and believed really quite passionately that if they wanted to achieve they would. But one of them just wasn't achieving so we had to make a change for their sake. They have been in smaller classes and had more varied opportunities and been much happier. It's a call as to what you feel is best for your child and your family.

P.S. Have had to laugh about the posts of ithakabythesea. I love my "trained killer" of a husband, he's a brilliant laugh and a great dad. Judge away there.

What is their problem? She's not their child. If you don't want to send her away, why should you? I wouldn't even entertain the idea. It's kind of them to want to pay but they could contribute financially towards her education after she completes high school. Don't send her if you don't want to.

I'm assuming that if you moved closer she wouldn't need to board. I had the chance of going to private school when I was younger but my mum wanted me to go the local school and it was shit. My class was full of kids that wanted to piss about and I felt pressured into being like them but secretly wanted to do well. When I look back I wish I had gone to private school but at the end of the day it's your DD choice if you are willing to go with it. If you are happy with the state school and she wants to stay with her friends then it's you and your DD decision. You can tell your in laws that you have discussed it at length before making a hasty choice and you are very grateful for the offer if you choose not to.

Confess- haven't read the thread.
However, I'm well qualified to have an opinion here.....

1. A school isn't necessarily better because it's private.(there are some average - to - poor private schools)
2. How much of this "carry-on-the-family-tradition" is about sentimentality, and how much of it is truly about a belief that a private education, at this particular school, is better.
3. Me and my sibs went to private school. - and boarded, back in the 70's. It was right for some of us but very "non right" for some too.
4. Will they expect you to feel grateful / indebted? ...... enough said..... ?
5. State run schools can be amazing . ( You already pay for them through your taxes and the teaching there can be better than some private ones!) and they don't come with the added baggage of being viewed by parts of society as a privileged (and therefore stigmatised) young adult.

• I'll stop there.

Different schools are right for different kids. Society is changing fast and privilege can be a double edged sword.

I wouldn't want mine to board either though. I can understand that. My DS might end up boarding in Year 9 and I am already uncomfortable with that, but we'll have to go with what he wants (and finances).

What does your daughter want? I went to boarding school and loved it but there were one or two who hated it. To this day I can remember a girl in my year who aged 11 who used to cry endlessly clutching her teddy as if her very life depended on it. It could be the making of your daughter if she is the right type of pupil. Some kids thrive on it; others don't. Keep an open mind as it might not be as bad as you think.

I went to boarding school as did my husband (different schools). We both absolutely loved it. I cannot think of a single girl in my school who was not happy. The few 'day girls' I knew wished they could be boarders too. In fact one of them managed to persuade her parents to let her board, even though they lived in the same town.

There are some children that take a while to settle in and it might not be for everyone. However, you should not underestimate the great start in life that a good boarding school can give a child.

I agree that children should have some say in the kind of education they have, parents are responsible for helping them to make the right decision.

My son was a day pupil at his school in South East England until we moved to Scotland nearly three years ago. He remained there as a boarder in the sixth form.

His time as a boarder helped his confidence and development as an independent young man.

My daughters have attended state schools since we have been in Scotland. The three youngest girls attend a rural primary school with only a few pupils. The standard of teaching and ability teachers have to give focused attention to their pupils means my daughters are receiving an excellent education in the state sector.

My oldest daughter attends a state secondary school. Although it is the nearest school to our home, it is still a considerable distance. Consequently, she boards from Monday to Friday.

Unfortunately, although the school has an excellent reputation for a state school, my daughter has had a few concerns. Also she is particularly bright and her current school is not stretching her enough.

We are now considering sending her to an independent boarding school when she reaches 13.

Coincidently, she has a friend of the same age who is considering Gordonstoun and Fettes, both of which are excellent schools. My daughter now wants to follow her friend, although I think she (my daughter) has set her heart on Fettes.

I think any parent whose child has such an opportunity should consider carefully before turning it down.

Also, I think it is important to consider the real reasons why you are against it. Political ideation is not a good reason. Look at the number of politicians think state and all ability education is good enough for your children, while sending their own to independent and grammar schools.

The best outcome for your child should be your only objective.

Haven't read all of the thread but a word of warning that schools change. My DS is at the school my dh went to (not boarding) and it's different obviously to when dh was there.
And more importantly WE are all different so what was right for your FIL and DH may not be for your DD. My DH struggles with the fact that DS isn't into the stuff he was into.

Forget the boarding bit and what they want. Research both schools and take your daughter to see both schools and talk it through with her. If she really would have a better future with the boarding school YABU if she wouldn't then YAN. It is what is best for her, not them or you.

Sorry, but no, no and no again. Ask your children what they want. Visit the school yourselves but don't do it for family tradition.

No way would my children be going to a boarding school! And if my DH wasn't in support of my decision he'd be the one sent away boarding!

My sister has similarly silly PIL. With the same proposal.

They will pay for my sister's kids to go to very famous but academically mediocre public school (boarding), where her husband and FIL went. But nowhere else.

If they were really concerned about their GCs education - surely they'd say 'we're happy to contribute fees for whatever school you think most appropriate'.

OP - why can't they just provide school fees for decent private schools in your area? It would be cheaper for them if it's not boarding.

Some children want to go to boarding school and that's fine. But it's not for everyone, and many children go and then regret it, like a dear friend of mine who was packed off to Cheltenham Ladies and hated every minute of it.

I find the responses of "can't you move closer to the school" absolutely ridiculous. So move further from work so your kid can go to a school they ultimately might not enjoy. Good thinking. Look into the dark underbellies of boarding schools and you may think the local comp isn't too bad. Boarding schools have a nasty knack of keeping things from the press unless the proverbial hits the fan.

I don't like the conditions of their offer. It's not your DD's education and best interests they have at heart, it's some weird desire to cling to family tradition. I find it quite offensive that they would attach conditions like that. If she wanted to board and to go to that school and you were genuinely okay with that then I might agree, but otherwise it's a big fat no from me.

It HAS to be up to the child. But I agree with a lot of posters that the family sound a bit controlling.

Sounds like the offer of a good future for your child though, so don't say no yet. Give it some serious thought.

A friend of mine went to a girls boarding school as her mother went there and had loved it. My friend loathed it and ran away twice and still they sent her back. It screwed her up for life, anorexia, bulimia and disastrous relationships with me. She only liked bad boys, decent men were 'boring'.

Of course, all children are different but you must go with your instincts. Have you asked your daughter what she'd want?

OP seems to have long gone...

.....relationships with men, not me!!......

I DO wish you could edit posts in MN.

I think the issue is not boarding for and against but the insistence that it is the school that DH went to. That is what OP needs to look at. As others say though she is not the only parent, it needs an open and frank discussion, it is not just her decision.

Our eldest DS boarded from 8-18, he says he enjoyed it. He has been assessed as asd as an adult and has MH issues but he doesn't believe it is down to boarding.
For all those that say it damages children I wonder how many would have had problems regardless of where they went to school. Mental health problems affect a large number of people from all backgrounds.

I also wonder in 10, 20, 30+ years time people will be saying the same about the damage wrap around childcare has done to children. How many of those saying 'no way' to boarding actually only see their children when they are asleep or a few minutes a day.
How many put their babies in nursery when they aren't old enough to understand.

Not a judgement by the way, just another way of looking at it.

It comes down to two things. How much will your daughter like the school, and how much will you miss her at home?

I loved boarding at 13 but as a parent now would not be railroaded into doing it by controlling PILs because they've been pushing it since birth unless my dd was really desperate.