AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

[mollythedogsmum]

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

I have very positive state education experiences and would strongly challenge some of the claims here that any private education is better than a very good state education

Agreed. Great education can be found in both sectors. Our boys do board due to my husband's career as a ruthless killer but they board at a state school-boarding doesn't necessarily mean private school.

ithaka

I hope you are never faced with the same decision as I was, but I don't hold your comments against you.

How can I when my first comments on MN were similar to yours.
It's easy to sit on your high horse when a particular issue doesn't affect you.
My dc weren't going to board as we couldn't afford it anyway, we are a very low income. It just wasn't even considered.
It didn't stop me from spouting off though.

A lovely lady helped lots of parents on here who were considering boarding and I started to see it through other people's eyes.
I'm so glad I did.

Pallisers

I'm much better now, just a bit upset the first day she goes back after a holiday. It's getting much easier now.
It was the first term Sept- Dec that was so awful, she's in her second year now and it's getting better all the time.
It really is a life changing opportunity for her, to have refused would have been selfish and I'm glad friends and family helped me see this.

It needs to be a decision taken by the child and both parents. I can afford boarding school. My children didn't want to board. They have instead gone to very academic day private schools which have better facilites and better exam results than most boarding schools ergo easy choice......

"Itkabythesea military kid here. How else was my dad, who left school with no qualifications in the 70s, meant to find a career with progression and the means to support a family." Same here, I happened not to board simply as we ended up somewhere for a while (5 years) which covered most of my secondary education, my brother and sister when dad did get posted became boarders after being day pupils. They were better off at school! It ensures continuity not just with education but with friends, teachers, support, hobbies (orchestra, choir, sports)

"Only around 15-20 years" also there's age restrictions on military service, fitness requirements so it's younger adults who are likely to be parents.

"Nope, the military get no sympathy from me." That is REALLY OFFENSIVE AND IGNORANT.

1 YOU benefit from having armed forces protecting you when/if we are under threat (which is pretty much true of most countries now). Even Switzerland and Sweden have armies! Even countries that supposedly don't have armies (usually very small island nations) have agreements with other countries to use their armies if necessary or have a 'security force' which is often just an army by another name.

2 killing is NOT the primary aim, it's an unfortunate necessity at times.

3 our armed forces are among the best in the world, they are well trained and intelligence led.

4 on many occasions what soldiers do is peacekeeping duties, rebuilding communities, training citizens of other countries in healthcare, communications, technology, engineering, building infrastructure (like water transportation and sewage management). My dad has gone to rebuild at least 2 communities I can think of following civil war in their own countries.

5 at home they help out with national emergencies like floods, storms, major transport accidents like train crashes, aid emergency services. My ex has provided support at least twice regarding the floods and once a major train crash.

Do you have any relatives that were involved in the world wars? What would they think of your opinion?

As your dd has expressed interest, and is no doubt subject to a non-stop propaganda barrage from your PILs, I would talk to her about it, ask what she thinks about boarding, what she thinks it would be like. I would also go and visit - but not on the open day, and not with dd - start by a visit just you and your DH. Similar for the local state school and with any other school that has caught your eye for your DD.

Make a shortlist of choices, and if they include private schools, go back to your PILs and say 'Your offer was very generous, for reasons X, Y and Z we are considering schools A, B and C. Can we talk about whether you are willing to fund the private choices in this shortlist? 7 years worth will represent about £150,000 at current prices' and go on from there.

I am extremely anti boarding school as some kind of fetish in itself - the British obsession with living apart from their children, which has existed since medieval times, is weird though perhaps related to living on a tiny island on the north west fringes of a proper continent. I have a lot of relatives who have suffered as sacrifices on that particular bonfire, including my husband. However, boarding as a solution to a specific practical problem is another matter entirely. I don't think this really exists in your case from what you have said.

Graphista why the comparison of people who willingly signed up to the forces, and those who were conscripted?

Its quite dismissiv towards those who were forced to lose their lives in tge world wars.

Itkabythesea - you are not very nice. OF course you are entitled to your opinion but not by implying you are a better and more loving parent because your children stay at home with you.

I have two children, one who boards, one who doesn't. The one who boards does so because of a sport. A sport where she has been lucky enough to perform at an international level. A sport that has taken her around the world and given her the most fantastic opportunities. She is a wonderful, talented and resilient young lady and I am happy we have been fortunate enough to support her dream.

We love her just as much as are the child. So much so that we will do everything we can go support her even if it means she has to live away from home.

Ethelb none of my family were conscripted serving in the world wars, one side of the family is military going way back anyway and the other side a couple were already in before war declared and others joined voluntarily once it was.

Not everyone was conscripted.

Ridiculous. I'm sending my dd to a paid day school as my fil and Dh kept on at independent education and we found one dd loved. But if they'd been gung-ho for boarding school I'd have dug my heels in. Just. Why. Would. You (unless your job is abroad)

Say NO THANK YOU! One day your children will be grown up and will leave home. Enjoy every moment with them until then.

To the OP nope. I'm the only person in my entire family not to have attended boarding school, including all my nephews and nieces. There's a significant age gap between us so it wasn't feasible when I was older but still I was the first to get a degree, bought my home way before my siblings did and will be mortgage free before my siblings are (despite them being nearly 50, schools fees to pay you see!) I think it can be a great leg up, and more attention can be given with smaller classes however (and particularly with my nephews and nieces) they have been victims of introverted snobbery, assumptions that they will "fall on their feet" and have absolutely no clue about the real world/part time jobs etc. Plus a lot of their friends ended up entangled with all sorts of drama, drugs etc. Not necessarily always the case but I highly doubt throwing money at a situation will solve it :) just my two cents.

Everything that GolightlyHollie said yesterday.
OP YANBU at all, but boarding school can be a v positive experience for some kids. One of mine went which nearly bankrupted me and got so much out of it, it was worth every penny. I shudder to think where he'd be now if I'd left him sinking at the bog standard comp he went to in Y7.

Good luck!!

One would expect children to go to a prep school before a more senior school at 13. Many prep schools do flexi boarding and this takes the pressure out of it. My son said he definitely did not want to board ever, then after a year or so he went on a "taster" week-end and then boarded two nights a week before asking to be a weekly boarder. 2hrs is a long way as you will need to support them at sports matches (there will be a lot).
It is easy to suffer inverted snobbery but this is a chance for your kids that most don't get. Having sent my son to a state school after GCSE's we soon saw the difference and wished we had kept him at the independant. The other thing to acknowledge is that a boarding school they will have all their friends around them all the time. Be sure that the in-laws recognise that you have the say on when and if you wanted to pull them out but as schools cost @£30,000 pa per child, that's a generous offer that needs considering.

No, no, no. Not without a really good reason ie you live on a desert island with no school, but even then most kids will benefit from local schooling until just key exam levels.

If you have to, compromise, say yes for A-level years. I chose to go for A-level as my parents lived abroad (and I was lazy & didn't fancy 6 subjects at Baccalaureate level. How wrong was I on that level erghhhh). I survived but I was old enough to appreciate. I'd have disowned my parents if they had forced me at any age.

Sit down and work out how many years of life your kid(s) will be away from you. It's horrifying.

Daughters have to trust their Mums and Dads to make the right decisions for them. You should trust your own instinct. Otherwise, if things don't turn out well, you won't be able to stand up for the choice you made, with love.

You had a good time at boarding school? Treasure the memory.

But many don't. Here is a book you might want to read that is highly regarded by psychotherapists: The Making of Them: The British Attitude to Children and the Boarding School System by Nick Duffell

Really tough decision. Independent schools are particularly great if you don't have to pay for it, but boarding, another story. A great problem to have though!
If it was me, I'd find out about local day schools and present it nicely to ILs to see if they would pay for those instead. Also depends on the kind of person DD is, and ask DD's opinions. I guess it's possible for her to try out the boarding experience - some love it and some hate it. Personally having been a boarder myself it would take some crazy amazing school for me to send my DDs away

Hi OP

NRTFT - but initial thoughts are these.

You might be being unreasonable. I think it's difficult for MNers to give you an objective answer because we don't know your DD, her strengths, weaknesses or her personality and neither do we do we know anything about the two schools. (Not that I am suggesting you should disclose). It's difficult to judge which would be the best fit for her, only you can do that, and then of course there is the issue of whether this creates an unhealthy dynamic with the ILS.

Could you go and look at the school together with DD and get her take on it? Boarding has changed an awful lot since I did it in the '80s with weekly boarding an option almost anywhere.

I'm not one for telling parents what they should do based on my political ideology, this is your daughter's future and you clearly want to give her the best possible. My advice would be to have a couple of visits there together, you and her (minus GPs so no pressure) and get a feel for the place. Good luck

Where is the OP?

I went to boarding school,it did give me some benefits but not many. It has made my social thinking different so I am classes not normal. Also I found out awful things happened whilst I was There,teacher/pupil I say no more. And from I gather some of the pupils are worse than the worst at local comps.
Saying all that though I believe it should be up to your DD and no-one else. I do think she be better adjusted to life if she didn't go. But that's my opinion

I haven't read all the posts, but can see some of the axes are out to grind.

No, YANBU. It's very much down to personal choice. Lots of reasons for children boarding, and many children (not all) thrive in this environment. It really is what is right for you, and your child.

Personally, I would take a look, you can then make a decision based on all the facts. But what would make me feel uncomfortable if I were in your shoes is not so much the boarding issue, but that the offer appears limited to one school. Is it the right school for your child? Is this about what's best for her? Or maintaining some sort of family tradition (not necessarily a bad thing, but not something that should trump choosing what is right for your child).

How does your daughter feel about it? Would flexi-boarding be an option? With longer holidays and weekends, depending on your other commitments, you could end up with more quality family time. How viable is moving, and what is the local state school like? What would happen if your in-laws couldn't or wouldn't continue to pay the school fees? There are so many factors to consider, it is a really tough call.

But no YANBU not to want to board, but don't necessarily dismiss the school out of hand.

My son is a day boy. OH is quite anti-boarding, but lots of the boarders really enjoy it, and some of the day boys end up opting to board because their friends do, and the activities that the school arranges, and it is a community in its own right. That said, I'd have my reservations too. I like to be on-call with the Band-Aid and hot cocoa.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I went to boarding school as did my DH and almost all of our families and almost all of us were very happy and loved it. In fact, our children are the first generation not only not to board, but also to go to state school.....we have four children so boarding isn't an option financially, and we have excellent state schools so decided not to spend the money unless we felt we had to (we haven't so far!).

In your situation, I would be hesitant because of the control issue - what happens if your PIL need the money for a care home, or decide that their grandchild isn't doing as well as they'd hoped/making the most of the opportunity/whatever other hoops they want you to jump through.

If they had given you the money and said spend it at the school you deem most appropriate, then that would be different, but it's the strings that it comes with that would worry me.

YANBU..Fuck that! Why would anyone want to send their kids away to school these days??? This is a decision for you, your DH and DD to make, not your (rather controlling) PIL.

most kids will benefit from local schooling until key exam levels....

That's a v sweeping statement that doesn't take into account the individual child, the school, or any other circumstance.

Take your child and DH along and take a look, see what they and you think, if the child would like to do it, then give it a go initially for a school year and see how it fits, you can always take them out if it isn't working, I Longed to go to boarding school but my parents couldn't afford it.

they could come home at weekends...