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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 21/02/2017 15:12

Navy

She absolutely loves it and is thriving.
It is just perfect for her and her future dreams and ambitions. She worked hard to gain a place and another school whether private or state couldn't offer anywhere near this.

She told me at 11, if I stood in her way she'd never forgive me.
I'm trying to build my life without her as I realise she'll probably never live at home ft again.
This is her home though and she's always happy to come back, but she was independant before going, so now she's even more so.
I used to be so anti boarding school, think similarly to those who wonder why parents decide on boarding.
It was a case of having to leave my principles behind and be selfless.
She has no idea how it affected me, or what I'm like immediately after she has gone.
It's much easier now, generally, everyday. It's just returning after holidays now that sets me off.

Pallisers · 21/02/2017 15:41

These comments have upset me so much over the last couple of years.
People assuming or suggesting we "sent dd away".
How can making the most difficult decision of your life, knowing you will be heart broken, crying almost constantly for a full term because you miss your child so much, be a case of sending them away because you can't be bothered to parent or want rid of your child.
It's sad that parents could think this of other parents.
Mine is home until Sunday, next monday I'll feel sick to the stomach, sobbing and feel like my insides are being ripped out.

That sounds horrendous. Is her education at this school life-altering enough to be worth this amount of emotional turmoil? Is there no other school nearby that could approximate her experience? Because if I was spending a whole term crying, heart-broken, missing my child and feeling sick I would think it not worth the sacrifice of my own mental health and happiness for what is just school - we all go through it and come out the other side. Even the best school isn't perfect and doesn't actually give you a guarantee of anything in life. Surely your own feelings are worthy of consideration too?

As I said upthread, I wouldn't rule out boarding for my children but I wouldn't hand the the decision over to someone else which is what is happening to the OP.

babybythesea · 21/02/2017 16:21

I've only read half the thread, so apologies if I've missed stuff.
I didn't go to boarding school, but I have five cousins that did. Most of them enjoyed it but one of them has since said she doesn't think it was money well spent. When you look at what they have achieved it is good, and they are all doing well, but no better than those cousins who didn't go to a very expensive school.

Only two out of the five went on to university. All are in jobs that are easily comparable to those cousins who didn't go. Similar amounts of money are being earnt, so it hasn't led automatically to better chances of uni and a higher wage.
One was so desperately miserable for the first two years that he cried down the phone every night. I know, because I was on the other end of the line (I'm much older). He did then go on to enjoy it but I hated being the one to explain why it was important he stay there when he was so unhappy, and when I didn't believe it was important. He did none of the extra activities etc either.
Of the two that went to uni, one flunked the first year. He was so used to having an organised prep time, etc, that far from being independent, he couldn't cope without that level of structure. He pretty much coasted at university, because no-one called a register at lectures, or chased up missed pieces of work, so he felt he didn't have to do them (if it was important, they'd chase him, like school had, right?) and then failed the first year. So when people talk about independence, do they mean not relying on a parent, which isn't the same thing at all as independence if the kid has simply learnt to rely instead on a strict school timetable.
I worked with a girl who also went to boarding school (Dad was in the army). She loved it but had no relationship with her parents because of it, she had to remind herself to call them, because she had grown up without really having that contact, or the shared memories, which make a family.

When I look at all that, the experiences of the people I know who went, and where they have ended up since, I can't see it's worth it unless it is to provide stability (eg, army child whose parents are always moving around). And since I don't work in a field with an old boys network, I don't really see the benefits of the contacts argument either.

So I wouldn't accept that offer. I might, at a push, accept the offer of a private education if, and only if, the local secondary schools were really crap. But not boarding, at all, ever.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarUtopia · 21/02/2017 16:37

If it were an offer to genuinely give them a good education, the offer would apply to a local decent private school too.

I really wouldn't be sending her.

Plus, I went abroad a few years back (as an adult, but pre children) for 8 weeks. My god. Longest 8 weeks of my life. I got homesick - as an adult wtf! Seriously! But my point being, I'm an adult and I'm aware of my emotions etc. A child could be seriously affected by boarding imo.

ithakabythesea · 21/02/2017 16:56

No way, no how, not ever would a child of mine go to boarding school. Children deserve a family life and no school is adequate substitute for a warm and loving family home. If you cannot provide a happy home, sort your marriage and home life out, don't send the child away.

Mine have thrived at the local comp by the way - involved parents provide the best outcome for children, no school can make up for the loss of that.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/02/2017 17:08

Personally, I wouldn't even go and look round it. I don't want my children to go to boarding school, so they won't. I'd consider it if the offer was a local private school or something, but I just don't want my children living away from me.

ithakabythesea · 21/02/2017 17:20

If you are going to send your child away to boarding school you have to accept that people will judge your choice.

PuntCuffin · 21/02/2017 17:30

ithaka what are about children of military families who are posted every 2 years and sometimes more often? People whose jobs take them overseas and there are no suitable local schools - secondary qualifications in a non-first language which you haven't started speaking until 12+ anyone? Are they to be judged in the same harsh light?

What is right for you is not necessarily right for everyone and you have no right to judge anyone for having different values to you.

ithakabythesea · 21/02/2017 17:36

I can judge who I like, thank you! I wouldn't have children and take a job overseas (including military) when they were school age. It is not an unreasonable sacrifice to make for your own children - it is only around 15-20 years of dedicated parenting in your life. If you can't spare that, children aren't compulsory.

WarblingWail · 21/02/2017 17:43

Itkabythesea military kid here. How else was my dad, who left school with no qualifications in the 70s, meant to find a career with progression and the means to support a family. Sending me to boarding school while they were overseas was fantastic for me. I was given music, sporting, drama, academic and social opportunities I would never had been offered had he been on the dole and still living in Blackburn.

Loved my boarding school, and still have a close relationship with a few ex teachers (two came to my wedding). I would necessarily send mine away from home as our home life is more stable, but would consider flexible boarding if they were into extra curriculars in a big way.

PuntCuffin · 21/02/2017 17:44

Right, so no one in the armed forces should ever have children in case they get posted. Or they should just quit if they do. Hmm 'Only around 15-20 years' is getting on for half your working life. For plenty of people such restrictions would make them unemployable.
By all means judge then. But it makes you look ignorant.

Bambambini · 21/02/2017 17:46

What the child wants to go? I think i would have. I think it could be great fun if it suits you. Being around friends, lots of sports and activities on tap, not having my parents drive me mad, a better education, being in an aspirational enviroment.

ithakabythesea · 21/02/2017 17:47

Well, I don't actually think anyone should join the military in the first place. So I judge them for that as much as for the effect on their children. I would never take on a career that included going to war and killing people - in fact, that is even worse than sending your children away - being prepared to kill other people's children. Nope, the military get no sympathy from me.

WarblingWail · 21/02/2017 17:50

Hahahaha- my dad worked in supply. Didn't exactly do much killing. Did once sustain a nasty injury from a stapler once though.

Have you lead such a privileged lifestyle that you can't understand other people making the best choices they can for themselves and their family?

Blinkyblink · 21/02/2017 17:52

If it's a kick ass school then absolutely yes I would take up the in laws in their offer.

BUT no boarding.

I'd move two hours closer.

cankles · 21/02/2017 17:56

I went to boarding school.

Please don't send your children.

Just let them be children.

mrsp0tts · 21/02/2017 17:57

If you could afford it would you send her? If the answer is no, you know its not the right thing.
Why would you bother having kids then sending them away?

THIS

Crunchyside · 21/02/2017 18:05

YANBU if you don't want to, but personally before rejecting the offer I would give it some careful consideration, pay a visit to the school out of curiosity, talk to DD about it etc. But chances are I probably wouldn't want to send my child away.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuntCuffin · 21/02/2017 18:23

Army Medical Services here. Not exactly a trained killer either. Quite the opposite in fact.

ithakabythesea · 21/02/2017 19:12

If nobody joined the armed forces, politicians would have to fight their own wars. Be the change you want to see in the world.

(Navy I am ignoring your personal attack.)

ethelb · 21/02/2017 19:23

Amen to Panino

The issue here OP, is whether or not you agree with private or boarding, a perk of this offer shoukd be increased choice.

Which you don't have.

I have very positive state education experiences and would strongly challenge some of the claims here that any private education is better than a very good state education Hmm It just isn't.

However, your ILs are not offering to pay for this hypothetical perfect little day school with extra curricular that suits your DD, and wrap around care when you need it, they are asking you to validate parenting choices they made a generation ago.

Just say no.

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