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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

281 replies

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:25

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Basicbrown · 21/02/2017 09:59

OP if your parents can't go one evening without drinking alcohol then they have a problem.

I must admit all this a problem bollocks around alcohol annoys me. I need a cup of tea first thing in the morning does that mean I have a problem with tea? People never describe smokers as having a problem with cigarettes.

Drink problems are complex I think, and some of the biggest problems are actually the people who when they start drinking can't stop. It is less of a problem to drink 2 glasses of wine a night than it is to go out on a Friday drink 3 bottles and end up in a ditch while refraining the rest of the week. The biggest 'problem' being of course when people do both - they drink every day and can't stop. Interesting I can't stop once I start with chocolate so perhaps I have a problem there.

It is actually totally unhelpful to label people as 'alcoholics' or 'having a problem' as these labels cover a massive range of different things, from people who are aware and keep careful control of their drinking to those who are completely out of control. Also labelling people as alcoholics in a way takes drinking out of their control.

The issue that the OP has is that she doesn't trust them not to drink too much when caring for her DC, it was a drip feed but the information is there in the thread if you look for it.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 21/02/2017 10:10

I think if OP had made her initial post clearer about her parents daily consumption, their reaction to the suggestion of not drinking and her subsequent concerns around their possible impaired ability to care for the DCs, this thread would have gone very very differently.
Absolutely trust your judgement OP, if they are not fit to babysit, in your opinion, that's all that matters.
The whole issue around having a glass/2glasses of wine of an evening once kids in bed is a very different kettle of fish to whether or not (possibly) alcohol dependent people can safely care for your children overnight.

Roomster101 · 21/02/2017 10:24

I think you are being a bit ridiculous to state that babysitters should not drink at all. One or two glasses of wine, while children are asleep should not be an issue even if it means they cannot drive in the very unlikely chance the children will need a trip to the hospital (unless there are no taxis where you live). The issue should not be whether they have a drink or not. It should be whether or not you trust them not to get drunk while in charge especially while the children are awake and therefore need more supervision. It sounds as if you don't trust them so don't ask them to babysit.

merrymouse · 21/02/2017 10:26

I need a cup of tea first thing in the morning does that mean I have a problem with tea?

If your need for a cup of tea were controlling your life to the extent that you couldn't look after a grandchild, yes you would have a problem.

People never describe smokers as having a problem with cigarettes.

I think many, many people would say that they do have a problem with cigarettes, but perhaps the difference is that as all cigarettes are harmful, all smokers have a problem with every cigarette.

Interesting I can't stop once I start with chocolate so perhaps I have a problem there.

People who genuinely compulsively eat chocolate or anything else suffer from an eating disorder. Obviously this is a problem.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic because they can't control their alcohol intake. Many alcoholics are never noticeably drunk and are seemingly in control of their lives. The point is not the quantity that they drink, but that their lives are controlled and impeded by their addiction.

Basicbrown · 21/02/2017 10:30

So are you saying I have an eating disorder Merrymouse...? Based on that once I start eating chocolate I can't stop? That is absolutely and utterly ridiculous, about the same as labelling someone who has a couple of glasses of wine a night an alcoholic.

Basicbrown · 21/02/2017 10:31

If your need for a cup of tea were controlling your life to the extent that you couldn't look after a grandchild, yes you would have a problem.

BabychamSocialist · 21/02/2017 10:36

YABU OP. I'm not saying they should be blackout drunk, but to not touch a drop at all is a bit ridiculous.

My parents always had a drink when looking after the kids (why shouldn't they? It was their free time too). They weren't falling over pissed and we never had an issue.

19lottie82 · 21/02/2017 10:46

To the posters who are saying you need to be able to drive, what about people in charge of kids that don't drive?

You don't need to be able to drive and have access to a car to look after a child.

19lottie82 · 21/02/2017 10:48

basic if someone "couldn't stop" themselves from having a couple of glasses of wine at night, then yes, they would be an alcoholic!

Original poster

mylongawaitedlife · 21/02/2017 10:48

Your posts suggest that they have already drank, during the day, whilst babysitting your children - my posts definitely don't suggest this, see the pp about them not having looked after DC yet

OP posts:

Original poster

mylongawaitedlife · 21/02/2017 10:49

reading through all these posts, there is clearly a range of opinion around what is ok alcohol consumption when supervising children (children who are awake).

when I was growing up the attitude to getting in a car was probably more along the lines of 'I reckon I'm within the limit' and some would have ridiculed anyone who suggested you had to be teetotal, whereas the motorway signs and messages now say 'don't drink and drive', which I take to mean that's an acknowledgement that any alcohol impairs your function to some degree. unlike tea/coffee/chocolate/peanut butter/bananas...

OP posts:

merrymouse · 21/02/2017 10:49

So are you saying I have an eating disorder Merrymouse...? Based on that once I start eating chocolate I can't stop?

I don't know - if you honestly can't stop eating chocolate once you start, that does imply an eating disorder. However, I suspect you are exaggerating. Many people really can't control their eating and it ruins their lives.

You seem to be defensive about drinking, but addiction to alcohol kills people. It's very easy to focus on a 'safe' 'normal' drinking level, and characterise problem drinkers as people who are regularly drunk. The OP is clearly worried that her mother has a drinking problem. Why is that so threatening?

Original poster

mylongawaitedlife · 21/02/2017 10:56

merry yes and also however much chocolate you eat in the space of an evening that's really not going to impact ability to look after DC, I can't see how it's logical to compare the two things, the discussion becomes a bit farcical at this point

OP posts:

PurpleMinionMummy · 21/02/2017 11:06

Of course smokers have a problem, they're addicted to nicotine. But smokers generally recognize and accept this, therefore it never needs to be pointed out or questioned. They don't live in denial over it.

Is binge drinking any healthier than a glass each night? No. However a binge drinker can clearly go a period of time without alcohol. Someone who NEEDS to drink every night clearly can't and that indicates a problem too.

Basicbrown · 21/02/2017 11:10

But surely in a nutshell that is the difference between something that really is a problem, it ruins your life/ health or is starting to (and/or that of those around you). I avoid eating chocolate tbh which presumably is what most people who can't stop drinking once they start do with alcohol.

I can't see how a couple of glasses of wine a night ruins your life or that of those around you. In any case there is no one who drinks at that level who cannot go without alcohol for a day. But tea I find more of a challenge to go without, but you can't really ruin your life with it however much of it you drink.

Basicbrown · 21/02/2017 11:12

They don't live in denial over it.

It is an odd assumption that people who drink are in denial, I think many people are very aware of their drinking actually. Dry January etc. I would argue actually as an ex-smoker it is much the same, you start in denial that you can take or leave cigarettes but then you realise that you actually can't.

llangennith · 21/02/2017 11:22

Your choice OP. I agree with you but better just to drop them as babysitters without making a fuss about their drinking. Meet up with your DM early in the day or on occasions when you know she won't start drinking.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 21/02/2017 11:24

I'd want someone in charge to be legal to drive in an emergency. That includes dh and I if we have a drink on the weekends; one of us usually me stays 'road legal'

danTDM · 21/02/2017 11:32

I think the question is, if they saw this thread, would they offer, ever again?

Pay someone else you fool.

Original poster

mylongawaitedlife · 21/02/2017 11:36

There is no need to insult me dan but perhaps a question as to why you feel the need.

I'm a very open honest person and would prefer a very open, rational conversation including seeing this thread, as it contains such diversity of viewpoints. sadly, I don't think they would be able to engage in a discussion with an equally cool head, I would love to be proven wrong though.

OP posts:

danTDM · 21/02/2017 11:43

I said, pay someone else, get them to have bloodtest first, Drugs?

Didn't mean to insult, but really?

zukiecat · 21/02/2017 12:25

I would not have been happy with any babysitter having any alcohol, I think that if you're babysitting then you just don't drink any alcohol at all

And yes, I'm teetotal, and always have been

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/02/2017 12:50

To the posters who are saying you need to be able to drive, what about people in charge of kids that don't drive?

It is about being under the drink drive limit whether there is a car to get into or not. Not about whether or not you have a driving licence.
The ambulance service is there for emergencies not for those too pissed to get themselves to A&E

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 12:53

Excellent post basics.

We drink around our children and so do in laws- I don't expect anyone to
Be sober enough to drive. My parents wouldn't drink whilst Caring for her and it's makes no difference to the level of care IMO.

There is absolutely no way to know whether OPs in laws have a drinking problem, armchair diagnosing is a waste of time

emmyhNL · 21/02/2017 13:03

If I'm looking after someone else's kids then I don't drink at all. Even with my own I barely drink now as I've gone off the taste of it. Would I mind if someone drank whilst taking care of my daughter? Probably, yes.

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