to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

[mylongawaitedlife]

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

It is your choice entirely whether to leave your DC with people who may have a drink. I don't think it is unreasonable to have a few drinks (tipsy but not drunk - why would it make you negligent?) but they're your kids.

Omg, I was thinking about this recently! If I have children I would have to ask my parents not to drink if they were the only ones looking after them. They simply cannot stop at one - think a bottle EACH per night.

However, they do go two nights a week without any alcohol, so I think they could/would agree to it if it meant finally getting grandchildren

DJBaggy yes, that is pretty much what I meant in using the term negligent. If something did happen, and it turned out they had been drinking, surely SS would be right to look at that. It's also why I was a bit about the tea/coffee thing earlier in the thread, the Police don't stop cars to breathalyse people for drinking tea/coffee so to my mind there is no real comparison between the two (religious beliefs aside).

no way would i leave my kids with a couple of alcoholics overnight. absolutely not. they can forge their relationship during their sober hours.

no chance.
my parents didn't drink at all when i was little, my dad still doesn't drink at all.
i don't drink at all at home. i may have 1-2 if i have a sober babysitter with my children.

I think the issue here is perspective. For me two or three beers or half a bottle of wine over the course of an evening is not something that would concern me and I would very much doubt anyone used to alcohol would be drunk on that. However I am not tea total as you basically are.

To be honest, if I was babysitting someone else's kids I wouldn't drink, but I don't have grandkids and I suspect I would in that instance, but very lightly, maybe a glass of wine if the weekend. We did drink if we had friends round when my daughter was young and I think plenty of parents do.

As said I think as you're looking at it from a you basically never drink to them thinking a few drinks are normal, then this is where the difference if opinion is.

They have a drink problem. If they cannot go ONE NIGHT out of all the many many other nights in the month without booze, then they have a drink problem.

YANBU at all.

Do you mean to say that since your children were born you have never taken a drink

Surprising as it may seem there are a lot of people who don't drink ever (even baby boomers)

I am always amazed by the amount of people who think having alcohol in their lives is considered normal or the only way to relax is to have a glass of wine.

yes coconut. it's not even as though there was a suggestion of regular babysitting, to begin with it was a suggestion of one trial night as DC have not ever been without me overnight. one night without alcohol ever. I'm not saying they are definitely alcoholics as am no expert, but it makes me at least wonder about that when they react so angrily to the suggestion.

Two glasses of wine or two beers is not a drink problem. FFS.

In my books the "could you drive a car test" is not the relevant one: I would be very happy to have a babysitter who didn't drive in the first place as long as there was taxi money in the house.

Otoh I would object to noticeable tipsiness. By the time it is affecting your social behaviour it might well affect your judgment too, or- if babysitting young children- your motor skills. And I would definitely be worried if someone who, on past experience, didn't know when to stop insisted on their right to drink.

I'm not saying they are definitely alcoholics as am no expert, but it makes me at least wonder about that when they react so angrily to the suggestion.

I'd react angrily to this suggestion. I'd also react if you tried to ban cucumbers or orange juice.

Orange juice and cucumbers don't impair your ability to function.

Personally I would rather a babysitter had a bottle of wine over a five hour period than having three cups of scalding hot tea around the kids.

I am pretty sure if you looked into how many kids get burned by hot drinks as opposed to how many kids get injured as a direct result of an adult have a couple of drinks the hot drinks would be more dangerous.

Therefore all people in charge of children should be banned from using the kettle, or a pan, or a knife, or those pointy fork things

If you can't last a day without alcohol, you have a drink problem.

If you would rather have a drink than look after your grandchildren, you have a drink problem.

Alcoholism isn't about lying in a gutter. It's about not being able to control your alcohol intake.

I am pretty sure if you looked into how many kids get burned by hot drinks as opposed to how many kids get injured as a direct result of an adult have a couple of drinks the hot drinks would be more dangerous.

If a grandparent regularly drank scalding hot tea around young children, it would be perfectly reasonable to ask them not to drink tea while looking after them.

I suspect they reacted angrily because you felt you had to mention it. If they were non- or moderate- drinkers then it wouldn't even come up. My parents are similar in their drinking. They know they drink too much, and they are incredibly defensive about it.

It's not that they can't go a night without alcohol, they can and do. They would know though that by mentioning a teetotal evening I was making a comment on all the other evenings.

If a grandparent regularly drank scalding hot tea around young children, it would be perfectly reasonable to ask them not to drink tea while looking after them.

No it wouldn't. It would be reasonable to ask them to drink their tea in a safe way, i.e. away from the children.

"If a grandparent regularly drank scalding hot tea around young children, it would be perfectly reasonable to ask them not to drink tea while looking after them."

At yet many of those holier than though types posting here will do exactly that every single day

purple, If I was worried about somebody drinking scalding hot tea around my children it would be because I didn't trust them to be able to judge what was and wasn't safe, and I would probably try to make things simple.

However, honestly, if somebody can't make safe judgements about hot drinks around children, they probably shouldn't be left in charge of children.

You can try to make rules about alcohol and tea, but in the end you either trust somebody or you don't.

The OP clearly doesn't trust her parents to control their alcohol intake.

I don't think YABU, OP.
I've NC to comment, because me & dh have this issue. We think mil is an alcoholic; she & fil look after the dcs sometimes during the day and it's becoming a concern
Fil does not have such an issue, but does try to keep up with her of an evening; mil's drinks are starting in the afternoon & it's affecting her (already poor) health.
I think if you are concerned it's probably more than a glass of wine with dinner or in front of the tv after the dcs are in bed & YANBU.

I totally agree. If you don't trust someone to safely drink tea around your children, surely you just wouldn't leave them with them full stop.

It's the same with alcohol. The answer to the op's thread title is no, it's not necessary for a babysitter to be teetotal. It is entirely possible to drink alcohol safely and care for children. Whether her parents can be trusted to look after the children is a different matter entirely.

*Surprising as it may seem there are a lot of people who don't drink ever (even baby boomers)

I am always amazed by the amount of people who think having alcohol in their lives is considered normal or the only way to relax is to have a glass of wine.*

Yes, I have friends who drink wine every night as soon as the kids are in bed. They say that they 'need' it. They say that if the kids had an accident or something happened they would call an ambulance as they wouldn't be able to drive. As if ambulances are there for people who can't stop themselves having a drink when in charge of young children.

OP if your parents can't go one evening without drinking alcohol then they have a problem.

OP you're talking nonsense here.
Your posts suggest that they have already drank, during the day, whilst babysitting your children.

In reality, I suspect the situation is more as follows:

Parents: We'd love to take the children overnight, give you a break
OP: Ok, but you can't be drinking
Parents: WTF?
OP: It would be negligent
Parents: Will you ever fuck off

Two glasses of wine for one and THREE beers for another. Fucking alco's.

If the truth were told, I reckon the majority of mumsnetters and their partners have more than the above of a night.

I usually leave wine and/or beer for friends and relatives who babysit. They are doing me a great favour!