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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

281 replies

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:25

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2017 22:29

PurpleDaisies - because being unable or unwilling to not drink for a single, occassional day would scream drink problem.

I don't agree. backforgood has already said what I think...
*If you asked me to look after your 3 yr old then started dictating terms and conditions, then I'd just let you know if you didn't trust my judgement then youd probably best not leave your child with me. I actually rarely have a drink at home, but if i decided to, it would be my judgement call.^

There are two different threads running here-whether the op should let her grandparents who are possibly alcoholics babysit and should every single babysitter remain stone cold sober when they're babysitting.

bellie710 · 20/02/2017 22:30

Are they spending time with the grandchildren at their request or are they babysitting because you need them? I personally trust any family member to look after my children and have a drink or 2, my husband and I regularly drink at home while in charge of our children so I can't see what difference it makes? Hats off to any parents that never drink at home while their children are in the house!

mummymummums · 20/02/2017 22:31

YANBU - they might be digging their heels in for the sake of it if they're awkward sorts, but either way, I wouldn't trust them to look after DC if they can't have an alcohol free evening. Even health organisations recommend a drink free night sometimes. Taking into account your feelings I wouldn't have thought this would be such a tough decision for them. Unless they're not able to go without.
Of course they have the choice to drink in their own home, but given their unwillingness to compromise, I think your choice must be to not leave them in charge of DC. Their loss if they choose alcohol.

bellie710 · 20/02/2017 22:32

I should say if I was paying someone to watch my children I would not expect them to be drinking!

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lexie1970 · 20/02/2017 22:32

Reading all the posts got me thinking... if it was just me and DP and DS i only ever had a couple of drinks max because i couldn't function hung over and my day regularly started at 05.30 .. DP didn't think like i did so drank far more than me. If we looked after my niece/nephew i didn't drink at all because i felt responsible and that meant being sober and able to drive if need be.

Fast forward almost 10 years i will drink far more, DS can make himself a drink and breakfast and I can lay in bed for a few hours. I feel i don't have to have that same level of responsibility as he is more mature and if he has a mate for a sleepover, again I would have a couple if drinks.

Maybe that is the key.... would you feel different if the children were older?

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2017 22:34

Mine were asked to babysit one night-very unusual as they don't live near enough to do so normally. As the baby was little, it was assumed that they might want to be sober. They claimed to have not drunk, there was no booze in the house when they were left. Empty bottles were then found hidden (tipped into outside bin so saw them). I know my 'd'm and it takes very little to get her to incoherent/barely able to walk stage. They were never asked again.

brasty · 20/02/2017 22:35

How would you feel if a relative was dictating that you could not drink tea or coffee when you were looking after their children, because caffeine is a drug? Of course you could manage not to drink tea or coffee for a night. But your reaction I guess would not be favourable.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/02/2017 22:35

"I should think since both are GPs"

I thought both were grandparents to the children, not family doctors!

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:36

Of course they have the choice to drink in their own home, but given their unwillingness to compromise, I think your choice must be to not leave them in charge of DC. Their loss if they choose alcohol.

mummy unfortunately, I do think they are choosing alcohol.. I'll probably now be told I'm depriving DC of having a wonderful time with their GP

OP posts:
MapMyMum · 20/02/2017 22:36

This is about so much more than driving. It is about being responsive and alert if an emergency were to happen. And like a PP said, if a parent has a few drinks (and by the way a few is 3, 2 is a couple....) then it is their risk to take

brasty · 20/02/2017 22:36

You are making this into a fight as much as the GPs. Honestly life is too short for this kind of drama

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:37

brasty are you really making a comparison between tea/coffee and alcohol?

OP posts:
brasty · 20/02/2017 22:39

I have a friend who is a Mormon who would make that exact comparison and say both are a drug.
My point though was that being unhappy at being told you can not drink something, does not mean you can't do without it. That is a ridiculous assumption.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:39

Lexie yes, if DC were at an age where if something happened I was 100% sure they could get themselves to safety for example, and they are not quite old enough for that yet

OP posts:
Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:40

but even so, it's still got something to do with the alcohol outweighing any discussion about it, even as a one off, being an alcohol free night.

i may seem like i'm arguing a lot on here, as I say I've not done that with them because I could sense how it would go, and at the end of the day it's my decision who gets time with DC and how, so there is really no need to argue with anyone about that

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/02/2017 22:41

I wouldn't leave my kids with someone I believed to be dependant on alcohol and I don't drink because I'm always in charge of kids

Clementiny · 20/02/2017 22:42

I agree with you. I wouldn't consider drinking while someone else's children were in my care and I would expect the same from grandparents. I'd expect one of them at least to be sober enough to drive or deal with an unexpectedly ill child. Like you say, they have the freedom to drink on every other night so skipping one out of respect for your peace of mind and the wish to spend proper quality time with their grandchildren shouldn't be a problem, unless they have a drink problem.

merrymouse · 20/02/2017 22:44

My point though was that being unhappy at being told you can not drink something, does not mean you can't do without it. That is a ridiculous assumption.

In the case of the OP's parents, it is a very sensible assumption as she knows that they drink every day.

edwinbear · 20/02/2017 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrymouse · 20/02/2017 22:45

Also, if I were asked to babysit my a Mormon, I wouldn't think twice about not drinking tea or coffee. There are plenty of other things to drink.

FATEdestiny · 20/02/2017 22:46

Is there a problem with just not having your parents babysitting mylongawaitedlife?

Your DC can continue to have a close relationship and a "wonderful time with their GP". Just with you there as a family.

avamiah · 20/02/2017 22:47

OP,
If you have seen them under the influence of alcohol before when looking after kids why did you let them look after yours?

Mix98 · 20/02/2017 22:47

I completely get you. I don't have children of my own yet, but my in laws are just like this. No way I'd be accepting more than a drink or two when in charge of young children. Far too dangerous and, as many others have pointed out, slower to act and more difficult to act in an emergency.

mymilisbatshit · 20/02/2017 22:49

Me and my OH enjoy having a couple drinks on a Friday OR Saturday we don't get drunk but we defiantly relax. I don't know anyone who would get drunk while babysitting and it's defiantly not wrong for you to expect a babysitter to be sober (in control)