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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

281 replies

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:25

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
user46374736663838 · 20/02/2017 22:49

Nothing wrong with a drink in front of the kids. If they want to smoke cannabis then they should be allowed to as well.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/02/2017 22:49

Bratsy the point ot ensure your childs life isn't too short, and choosing who you leave them with and under what circumstances is up to the parent. And no you cannot tell other people what to do in their own home, but you can request and if the answer is not what you want, then you need to move on. Likwise if GPs want to baby sit the can ask, and you can answer with your stipulations. If this doesn't suit then they will go without babysitting. I't s quite simple really. Every one has their cards on the table, i think OP you could calm the situation by just saying sorry but I feel DS i a bit too young at the moment. maybe when he is older,.. and if they come back and say you are just being paranoid, tell them that as his parent that is your perogagtive.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:49

FATE yes that's the logical conclusion

OP posts:
Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:51

avamiah I haven't as yet, the discussion is about them potentially doing it

OP posts:
avamiah · 20/02/2017 22:52

Edwinbear,
Agree with you.

PurpleMinionMummy · 20/02/2017 22:55

Well I'd think they were a little crazy, but I'd suck it up for one night because it won't hurt me to go without a cuppa, because it's not a problem for me not to have one. It's not such a big deal I'd feel the need to argue about it or refuse to babysit. If I'd offered to babysit I'd want them to enjoy themselves, not worry about what I was up to back at home. If me not drinking tea for a night made them happy so be it. Now if they asked me to sit next to los bed all night and watch their every breath I might feel differently.

Purplepotatoe · 20/02/2017 22:56

Completely agree with you, one drink fine but someone who makes comments like that tbh sounds to me like someone who might have a different idea of 'drunk' to you. Why can't some people just go one evening without a drink?!

avamiah · 20/02/2017 22:56

OP,
Apologies .
If you are this concerned about them drinking whilst looking after your kids then go with your initial gut feeling.

Oldandfallingtobits · 20/02/2017 23:00

Yanbu, Although I never drank when my children were babies, I enjoy having a drink nearly every weekend now, normally a Friday night, sitting with my husband watching a film, but if I have my grandchildren I wouldn't dream of touching anything stronger than tea, I might have to get up during the night, they normally get up between 6am and 8am, but they also may wake up upset because they aren't at their own house earlier or the middle of the night, it's a no brainer for me, I'm in my late 40's and my grandchildren being happy and safe and me being alert and happy to deal with them is more important than having a few glasses of wine.

wafflyversatile · 20/02/2017 23:05

Well I barely drink at all and don't have kids. I get why you wonder why they can't forego a drink for one night as I wonder this about people generally. And tend to think if you need a drink every day you have a problem even if it us one drink. But I think it's fine to have a few drinks when in charge of a child as long as you are still ok to deal with an emergency. I wouldn't put the limit at legal to drive either unless you were somewhere remote with no taxi service. Otherwise you'd never let a non driver babysit.

That said if you don't want them to babysit then don't let them.

PhoebeGetsIt · 20/02/2017 23:10

As someone who is teetotal I think YANBU because it sounds like the grandparents would rather have a drink than look after their grandkids. That's sad.
There have been times I have stopped my own DM from having my kids the day after heavy drinking because you can still smell the vodka on her and she's still over the drink drive limit. My mother shattered my trust when she took my DAD to Ireland (her husband's relative at the time) and got really rat arsed. I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't kniw the address just a phone number that no one would answer. Once I found out I said no more sleep overs.
They may say my house my rules. You're right to be firm and say your kids your rules.
A grandparent or babysitter who cannot give up alcohol for one evening has a problem with alcohol.

PhoebeGetsIt · 20/02/2017 23:10

*DD not dad

ScarlettFreestone · 20/02/2017 23:15

I think that when looking after someone else's children most people (IME) are far more careful than with their own kids - after all how terrible would it be if someone else's DC were hurt while you were responsible?

We aren't big drinkers but yes, I might occasionally have a single glass of wine after my DC have gone to bed. I certainly wouldn't do if babysitting another child or hosting a sleepover.

My own DPs would never even think of having a drink while babysitting. My FIL might if let to his own devices but knows I'd be very unhappy about it so happily abstains because they are always desperate to babysit.

The point about being over the driving limit isn't about actual driving/having access to a car - it's about impaired judgement.

In the end OP it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's your kids so your decision.

If either my PILs or DPs wouldn't agree not to drink when in charge there would be no babysits and no sleepovers.

Children can form a perfectly good relationship with their GPs without overnight stays.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/02/2017 23:19

YANBU. Their choice to drink in their own home, yours not to let them babysit while they are doing so. I agree with your thinking - if they want to look after grandkids, is it too much to ask to stay sober for one evening? Stick to your guns.

Strygil · 20/02/2017 23:21

"I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour."

Too right you have - I don't use expressions like "pompous cow", but were I to do so, I might use it about you. Do you mean to say that since your children were born you have never taken a drink? - because that is the standard of child care you are seeking to impose.

There's an agenda here that you don't want to share, I suspect.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 23:22

thank you

OP posts:
user1486499646 · 20/02/2017 23:24

Do they really need too drink alcahol while looking after them no is it going to kill them no.. Cant they just wait till they go home. Just dont let them babysit ita your child and your feeling i wouldnt want someones alcaholic breath all over my child.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 23:24

anyone else want to make friends with Strygil? sounds like a charmer or a big fat troll

OP posts:
merrymouse · 20/02/2017 23:32

There's an agenda here that you don't want to share, I suspect.

The 'agenda', as shared many times by the OP, is that she is concerned that her parents aren't in control of their drinking.

It's fairly normal, when trying to persuade an alcoholic not to drink, to talk generally about 'normal' drinking. Unfortunately it doesn't usually work because somebody with a drinking problem can always find a reason to drink.

Inertia · 20/02/2017 23:34

There's a world of difference between having an alcoholic drink, and being so drunk that you're juggling pans of boiling fat.

Mylong, your parents have already given you the answer by having the argument. They want to continue to drink at their usual rate, and they don't value their grandchildren enough to just cut back for one night.

They can of course drink what they like when they're in their own home. They don't need the company of their grandchildren to do that though. Are you desperately reliant on them to babysit, or can you maintain contact by visiting as a family, or meeting up for days out?

PurpleMinionMummy · 20/02/2017 23:40

There are many parents who don't drink whilst in charge of their children. Not everyone is bothered about drinking alcohol. It's really not that strange.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 23:43

that's true isn't it.

not desperately reliant no, as have gone this long without them doing it and will always put DC first

can maintain contact that way yes, they aren't really interested in days out, more just a half hour coffee every now and then and that's fine.

OP posts:
OverthinkingSpartacus · 21/02/2017 00:25

The fact that youre worried enough to have to ask them not to get drunk while looking after your small children suggests you think they dint have a healthy attitude to alcohol.

I can't articulate but a persons response at the suggestion of going without alcohol for one night says a lot.

For me, if I find myself even thinking about the possibility of someone getting drunk while looking after my child then I wouldn't leave my child with them.

Mil has a drink problem, she's a recovering alcoholic but long before she admitted her problem, I knew, her other DC asked her to not drink when looking after the kids and she said the exact same as your Mum, they did ket her babysit as she eventually promised to not drink, she lied.

I have another friend who drinks a glass or two of wine everyday but I would leave dd with her as I know she wouldn't get drunk.

It's the being worried enough to have to ask someone not to get drunk when looking after children, it should be a given that they won't. If you don't trust them to stop after a glass or two I'd not argue as if they do have an alcohol problem they will be extremely defensive and it's not uncommon for an alcoholic to turn nasty and say some vile things when they feel their drinking habit is criticised.

DJBaggySmalls · 21/02/2017 02:09

Its not legal to be drunk in charge of a pushbike ffs. If something went wrong, you'd all be liable and investigated by Social Services - you as well because you have expressed concern.

SuperBeagle · 21/02/2017 02:15

My DM and my inlaws drink while looking after our kids. But they're a 1-2 glasses of wine or beer type. I wouldn't have my kids in the care of someone I didn't trust to moderate their drinking; in the same way that I wouldn't have a smoker who was inclined to leave them unattended while they have a fag outside; and wouldn't leave them with someone who regularly smokes pot of an evening etc. it's not about the content, it's about the person and their attitude.