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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

281 replies

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:25

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
brasty · 20/02/2017 21:56

Also if she is in her 50s I am not surprised she did not drink much wine when you were young, Many young people don't realise that wine used to be expensive. Most people could not afford to drink it often.

merrymouse · 20/02/2017 21:57

OP, whatever other people on this thread think about their own drinking, you are clearly uncomfortable with your mother and stepfather's drinking. You don't have to quantify how many units they are drinking. Your gut instinct is that they drink too much and that you wouldn't be comfortable with them looking after your child. The bottom line is that you get to decide who looks after your child. They could be completely teetotal and you would still have the right to decide this.

Reading between the lines, I think you are also worried that your mother may be a problem drinker as she doesn't appear to be able to take a break from drinking.

Moltenpink · 20/02/2017 21:57

Ethelred Grin

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:57

If someone can't forgo alcohol for one evening whilst they babysit, I'd wonder if they had an alcohol problem. They have 6 other days of the week to enjoy that 'not making you at all drunk' glass or few of wine. Why can't it wait?

this purple, is what I'm getting at yes

OP posts:
Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/02/2017 21:58

My opinion, if you are to drunk to drive then you are to drunk to baby sit my kids. In an emergency they need to be able to get DC to A&E safely and legally. If others in the family are happy to risk it that is up to them but you would have to live with the consequense of any decision you made and in this case it is simply No Thanks

randomsabreuse · 20/02/2017 21:59

The drink drive limit is as much about judgement as anything - one boozy pre kids Christmas dinner my MIL collapsed and none of us were much use, since then we tend to have someone in charge and therefore relatively sober. Fortunately she was fine but we were so slow reacting to her falling off her chair it brought home to us how impaired our judgement was!

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:00

merry yes, it's the fact that even when I ask the reply makes it sound like I'm being unreasonable to even ask for it. if people drink every single night, and half the day at weekends, and cannot agree to go without for one night I am inclined to suggest they have a problem.

but knew I would get diversity of opinion by posting on MN Grin

OP posts:
AbernathysFringe · 20/02/2017 22:00

The talk about driving is in case there is a need to drive a child to a and e or something I'm assuming?
I don't think yabu. Why is it so hard for them to give drinking a miss for a night? If it's that hard, they must either have a problem or be arguing for arguing's sake, just to make a point that you can't tell them what to do when they're babysitting YOUR children.
I'm not a fan of grandparents putting something ludicrous ahead of their grandchildren as we have a grandmother who can't put her dog in another room while our toddler is visiting in case the dog has hurt feelings. Or travel down to see her grandchild as the dog is car sick and can't be left behind with a sitter. Sigh.

NataliaOsipova · 20/02/2017 22:00

My rule of thumb would be could you drive a car if need be?

Agree with this. Not because of the damage that you could do, Ethylred, but because you might have to dash off to A&E. Accept it's a long shot, though.

I don't drink if my DH is away and I'm flying solo with the kids. I made an exception for this when a friend came to stay, who is a doctor. She thought this was hilarious, on the grounds that DH and I will happily drink a bottle together....but I think my logic was that, in a medical emergency, she'd know exactly what to do!

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2017 22:00

If someone can't forgo alcohol for one evening whilst they babysit, I'd wonder if they had an alcohol problem. They have 6 other days of the week to enjoy that 'not making you at all drunk' glass or few of wine. Why can't it wait?

This sounds like babysitting is a huge privilege, not doing the op a favour. Confused

Last time we babysat, the parents left us a bottle of wine. Babysitters should obviously be sensible but that doesn't necessarily mean teetotal.

adamharriet · 20/02/2017 22:01

I wouldn't mind them having a couple of drinks but certainly no more than that. People looking after children should be in control. It's as simple as that.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:01

doubletrouble yes I would never forgive myself

OP posts:
merrymouse · 20/02/2017 22:01

If the OP doesn't need the grandparents to babysit, they aren't doing her a favour.

BackforGood · 20/02/2017 22:02

Ultimately your call who you leave your dc with.
However, I wouldnt have anything to drink if I am driving, but I'm perfectly capable of looking after dc aft a couple of drinks.

I think this comes down to what you think of as 'drunk' which seems to be a diffent definition from mine.

All sorts of questions like how often they have the dc, how old they are, if they are staying overnight, all come into it, but, generally speaking, I don't see why adults should expect to be dictated to as to whether they have a drink or not in their own home, by you, as it doesn't sound like they are doing / have done anything to put the children in danger.

fourforksake · 20/02/2017 22:03

i think mylong's main concern is that it won't stop at just a glass or two. i have this with my DM. she has every intention of just having a glass, which then turns into a bottle and if necessary a walk up to the offie for another bottle.
speaking from experience....YANBU.

if she came on here posting that she knew her mum drank too much but was going to leave her LO with her anyway, what would the reaction be?

merrymouse · 20/02/2017 22:03

And if you can't swap alcohol for a cup of tea for one night, even if it's just because your daughter is being a bit neurotic, you do have a drink problem.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2017 22:03

How do all of those suggesting one of you should be able to drive at all times, think that adults who don't drive cope every single day?

FATEdestiny · 20/02/2017 22:03

Do you have any experience of alcoholism OP?

I ask because I am in complete and total agreement with everything you say. The reason for my opinions on the matter is that my brother is an alcoholic. There is no way of knowing or predicting if he will be sober, functioning, drunk or paralytic. So he could never, ever be trusted to babysit. Even when sober, there is no trust.

My experience with an alcoholic also means have have strong views on drinking alcohol.

While as full time carers of children, parents can occassionally have a drink at home. Every night though and/or lots though, that's unhealthy.

Someone babysitting, not the full time carer, should without question be willing (and able) to abstain for the occassional time they have sole charge of children

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/02/2017 22:05

YANBU, I wouldn't be allowing the babysitting either.

As a parent I wouldn't be over the drink drive limit whilst in charge of children. It's set at that as it affects responses and thinking etc. It's never bothered me not drinking, healthier and safer all round. DH does but wouldn't if doing sole care.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:06

it doesn't sound like they are doing / have done anything to put the children in danger no, but just as an example one has dropped a full pan of burning fat on their leg while drinking (without GC) in their own home not so long ago...

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2017 22:06

Someone babysitting, not the full time carer, should without question be willing (and able) to abstain for the occassional time they have sole charge of children

Why though? If parents can have a drink and be considered safe to be around children, what's wrong with someone else having a glass of wine?

Basicbrown · 20/02/2017 22:06

I think yanbu op having read your later posts. The first was unclear about whether you were harping at them having a couple of glasses of wine with dinner which is where most people are coming from I think.

Esspee · 20/02/2017 22:07

Since when has alcohol dependency become the norm? If you have been trusted to look after someone else's precious children you shouldn't be drinking at all. If an emergency arose you would need to be stone cold sober.
OP, you are not being unreasonable but if you used the term negligent behaviour then I understand why your mum reacted badly. I wouldn't ask her to babysit again but you will need to pour oil on the troubled water you created for the sake of your future relationship.

BillSykesDog · 20/02/2017 22:07

YANBU at all not wanting someone who has been drinking babysitting your kids. But that's all you have to say: No thank you, I don't like to leave the kids with people who have been drinking so will make other arrangements.

But it sounds like you've got into quite a nasty standing match where rather than just making other arrangements you're demanding that they still do it, but do it without drinking. That's really not up to you, they've offered to babysit on the basis they have a drink and if you don't like that make other arrangements rather than arguing the toss.

It also sounds like you've said (or at least implied) some pretty unpleasant things re not caring about the grandchildren enough and re your stepfather's influence and your feeling your mother was a better mother before he came along. YABVU for doing that purely because you don't like the terms of a favour offered.

paxillin · 20/02/2017 22:07

I'd be a bit resentful at being told what to drink. Not everybody is rat-arsed after half a bottle of wine drunk over a leisurely afternoon and evening. I don't get the driving argument, lots of people don't drive and an ambulance will come out in an emergency.