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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect any babysitter including grandparents to be sober

281 replies

mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 21:25

am trying not to get drawn into a text war with grandparents.

my take on this is that anyone looking after my DC, babysitter, family, whoever, should be sober. To me it's just a given, unless for example family are all at a ver special occasion and there are children playing at wedding or something, but even so I wouldn't get 'drunk' in a situation like that.

Grandparents are arguing with me and calling me unreasonable. saying that if they look after DC at their house they have a right to drink and I can't tell them what to do in their own home.

To which the only response I can really give is fine, you just won't be babysitting.

Context to this is when i've seen the grandparents babysit other DC in the family, IMHO they have not just had a little to drinks but quite a few units each.

I've probably provoked them now by saying that to drink while looking after children is negligent behaviour. But that is my opinion. They are fighting it along the lines of 'we are not negligent and you can't tell us what to do'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 20/02/2017 22:08

How do all of those suggesting one of you should be able to drive at all times, think that adults who don't drive cope every single day?

That's a fair point, actually. I suppose I'm coming from a position where we live in the middle of nowhere and the nearest A&E is nearly 30 minutes away on clear roads, so I think that clouds my thinking a bit.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:08

youngest age 3, and yes staying overnight at theirs is what they are suggesting

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2017 22:09

This is one of those topics for me where mn opinion bears no resemblance to real life experience.
I know parents from all walks of life, from school, from clubs, from neighbours, from relatives, from other countries etc etc. I have never ever heard of anyone who stays under the drink drive limit at all times when looking after their dc - that's only about 1 large glass of wine.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:10

And if you can't swap alcohol for a cup of tea for one night, even if it's just because your daughter is being a bit neurotic, you do have a drink problem.

yes merry that's partly what's bothering me, and that even when I'm clearly concerned the alcohol still wins over my feelings on the topic

OP posts:
QueenCuntyFlippers · 20/02/2017 22:11

What if they didn't have a driving license? Would that be a no-no for baby sitting? Because after a few glasses of wine you could still call an ambulance or get taxi to A&E if needs be as a person who couldn't drive would.

This thread is bonkers!

edwinbear · 20/02/2017 22:11

I think the issue is that whilst people have different opinions on whether they drink or not whilst minding their own children, if you are looking after someone else's children and they express a preference that you abstain, that shouldn't turn into a war of words over text as the OP has suggested. I drink whilst in charge of my own DC and have had a glass or two whilst babysitting my nieces or nephews. However, if my Dsis ever said to me she would prefer I didn't drink whilst in charge of her DC, I would of course agree without a second thought.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:11

interesting that a lot of people are focuding on the driving aspect on here, as that really hadn't been part of my thinking to begin with

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 20/02/2017 22:12

I don't buy into the whole 'they're doing you a favour so should be allowed to do whatever they want' stuff.

They were obviously confident that you would be sensible Purpledaisies and if they were happy for you to drink that's their call.

OP is not convinced her parents are capable of being sensible and that's her call to make.

mummabubs · 20/02/2017 22:13

I'm dead against it personally. My grandparents were alcoholics so my memories of them growing up are mostly of them being drunk, I don't want the same for my child. However having said that I'm 8 weeks pregnant and DH's mum drinks a bottle of wine a day (and drinks whilst babysitting her existing granddaughters). I've already made it clear to DH that I don't want her being drunk around our kids but he doesn't see it as being as big an issue, probably because his sister doesn't complain that she is. That'll be a fun situation to negotiate in a years time!! I completely respect you not wanting anyone looking after your child to be drunk- what if something happened and the child needed to be driven somewhere?! Xx

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:15

yes edwin. I've stopped before it became a text war because clearly we have very different viewpoints and I just don't think I'll ever be ok with it, just wanted to see what folks on here thought

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/02/2017 22:17

The driving thing isn't my main concern either, lots of people don't drive.

It's more about being alert, responsive etc should something happen.

Sad state of affairs if you can't live without a drink whilst looking after young children.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/02/2017 22:17

So I am bracing myself for this one.
I do have a total double standard, here. I do have a glass of wine or two, ( sometimes more,) of an evening, with DH, while the kids are asleep. However, I am the parent and it's my risk to take. I get to make that call not someone else. When I leave my child with someone else I expect the same levels of care I would give if someone elses child was in my house. i.e. If I am babysitting in my own home or someone else, I would not drink. Simply because if something happened It would always plague me that I did not do my best by someone who put their ultimate trust in me.

merrymouse · 20/02/2017 22:17

Whether or not you need access to a car really depends where you live.

However that isn't the point of this thread.

The point of this thread is that the OP doesn't want her parents to look after her child when they have been drinking because she has experience of what they are like.

Whether or not any other person is capable of looking after children after a couple of glasses of wine isn't relevant.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:17

The PPs talking about alcoholics - yes, let's say I suspect they could be called alcoholics ifthey can't go without the stuff for a day and fight so hard to justify drinking.. and I don't want that to be my DC recollection of GPs either, at all - of them being loud drunks or worse still witnessing / being affected by something that they do while drinking that harms someone or even them.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 20/02/2017 22:17

PurpleDaisies - because being unable or unwilling to not drink for a single, occassional day would scream drink problem.

1st of the month - drink what you like
2nd of the month - drink what you like
3rd of the month - drink what you like
4th of the month - drink what you like
5th of the month - drink what you like
6th of the month - drink what you like
7th of the month - drink what you like
8th of the month - drink what you like
9th of the month - drink what you like
10th of the month - drink what you like
11th of the month - drink what you like
12th of the month - drink what you like
13th of the month - drink what you like
14th of the month - drink what you like
15th of the month - drink what you like
16th of the month - drink what you like
17th of the month - drink what you like
18th of the month - drink what you like
19th of the month - drink what you like
20th of the month - drink what you like
21st of the month - drink what you like
22nd of the month - drink what you like
23rd of the month - drink what you like
24th of the month - drink what you like
25th of the month - Babysitting - don't drink tonight.
26th of the month - drink what you like
27th of the month - drink what you like
28th of the month - drink what you like
29th of the month - drink what you like
30th of the month - drink what you like

Really - if any one cannot manage that, they have a drink problem.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/02/2017 22:18

YANBU. I never drink at home, I just don't see the point in it at all.

I wouldn't let anyone babysit my children who thought it was acceptable to drink that much. They are getting drunk whilst in charge of a 3 and 5 year old. Not acceptable. And yes if they can't abstain and the drink is more important to them, they have a problem.

PerditaNitt · 20/02/2017 22:18

YANBU, and my preference is also for my in-laws not to drink when babysitting. They have baby sat before and had a couple of drinks and it did make me uncomfortable, although I didn't say anything to them about it. That said, my inlaws are very sensible and I do have trust in them, so I decided to grit my teeth and let it go, because I know they drink small amounts and alcohol doesn't affect them much. If I felt they had more than a glass of wine or a couple of beers, I would feel obliged to say something.

I appreciate that there are many parents who are capable of looking after their children perfectly well after a couple of drinks; the issue with babysitters and grandparents is that they aren't as familiar with the children, so I think it is more prudent not to drink

EineKleine · 20/02/2017 22:20

at the risk of getting blasted on here - is it a baby boomer thing? or am i just out of touch and everyone else is drinking that often that it's unusual for them to not do so?

Neither, I think. When I babysit other people's children (for free, or swapping favours) I'm often offered wine, alongside tea and biscuits. Not because I or they drink every night but because they are trying to treat me, I think. Similarly one of the perks of hosting book club is having a couple of glasses of wine when my friends are round. The kids are always upstairs - sometimes we drink a bit, other times we don't. It's not unusual not to or hard work not to, but it doesn't mean we are totally teetotal whenever there is a child in the house.

Original poster
mylongawaitedlife · 20/02/2017 22:21

HarryPottersMagicWand I love your username Grin

OP posts:
BackforGood · 20/02/2017 22:22

If you think the dropping the pan incident was due to them being impaired by drink, then, that is a massive drip feed, and not a genearlised question.
If that is what you are implying, then, no, I wouldnt be leaving them in sole charge of a 3 yr old. I wouldn't leave little ones in the care of anyone who was dependent on alcohol.

However, the question you asked was if all grandparents who are babysitting should refrain from having a drink, and i think that is a different question.

If you asked me to look after your 3 yr old then started dictating terms and conditions, then I'd just let you know if you didn't trust my judgement then youd probably best not leave your child with me. I actually rarely have a drink at home, but if i decided to, it would be my judgement call.

mummabubs · 20/02/2017 22:22

I posted about GPs being alcoholics. I'd really emphasise that I had no accidents or overtly bad experiences when I saw them, but it deeply damaged my relationship with them (which was non-existent to be honest due to them being emotionally distant through drink). So even with driving taken out of the equation I'd still say drinking around the GCs is a big no no. As others have said if they can't respect your wishes for one night then that says more about how important they view alcohol compared to your feelings I'm afraid. Sending love x

FATEdestiny · 20/02/2017 22:23

The PPs talking about alcoholics - yes, let's say I suspect they could be called alcoholics ifthey can't go without the stuff for a day and fight so hard to justify drinking

I agree.

I would simply stop having the discussion. They see the children when you are there as primary carer. They don't babysit. End of story.

You cannot control an alcoholics drinking.

Stop trying to think you can rationalise or persuade them. You can't.

trappedinsuburbia · 20/02/2017 22:24

I wouldn't feel comfortable with them drinking, especially not that amount and especially not with a 3 year old.

Wolfiefan · 20/02/2017 22:26

I agree with the posters who say these people have a drink problem. If the OP said my mum wants to have a glass of wine with her roast dinner when she's looking after my kids then I would say unclench! These sound like people who habitually drink more than would make it safe for them to be looking after young children. Their judgement, driving, balance, volume etc will all be affected.
They drink every day and half a day is drinking at the weekend? These sorts of amounts?They sound like they have a serious alcohol problem. They are in denial. OP they will never accept your point of view. You can't trust them.

Carollocking · 20/02/2017 22:27

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