To travel somewhere alone, sans husband and children?

[4ggggggggggggggggggggggggggyyy]

Husband thinks I have lost the plot but that's nothing new. Anyway.

I have a particular reason for wanting to go to this part of the world, it's really important to me for all sorts of reasons but one very personal and pertinent one. Hence why I really don't want to go with two pre-schoolers crying and whining and demanding.

Since we have no one else to have them (and I wouldn't ask anyway) I still want to go. I have looked at flights on EasyJet and would go for four days in June. I've suggested husband takes some leave and I go. I regularly do this when husband does a long day: in theory it's a twelve hour shift, in practice it's more like thirteen plus travel time.

Husband is Not Happy.

AIBU to say tough, I need to do this, and book a temporary nanny to help him? Or have I lost the plot as he claims?

Does he have to take whole days off OP? If his working pattern takes him into the evening does he have the option to take 4 x half days rather than full days, so that he finishes in time to get to nursery? Then it's only two days leave which isn't such a chunk out of his allocation.

I suggest you go for more than four days. Seriously. I hope that you get to go and I understand why it is so important to you (although I was hoping it was for a happier reason that you wanted to go).

When my DH had his old job he had 32 days leave so I would have been 'go!'

Now he has a new job he's down to 20 days plus Bank hols which have to be taken on bank hols (he could move them around before) so leave suddenly feels a bit more precious. Is there a way to work it so that it doesn't use four whole days of his leave? He obviously doesn't work 7 days a week so could the timing be improved?

FFS-it's only 4 days! He needs to improve his parenting skills and his attitudes if he can't cope with his own children alone for a few days! What would happen if you split up or were taken ill etc?

He gets 6 weeks annual leave in total. I'll try to tack the 4 days onto either side of a day off anyway. But I don't think I'll go. He's really unhappy.

"But I don't think I'll go. He's really unhappy."

Get him to articulate why he is unhappy. Ask for 3 complete, coherent sentences explaining why he thinks you should not go.

Lots of mums go away alone. I'm going the first weekend of March, can't wait.
Maybe you can day to your dh that of you can look after kids on your own, he probably can too. But if it's a nanny that will make the difference, then book one.
What does he mean it will look peculiar? Who is watching?

Just read more of the thread. My oh doesn't want to go away without me and the kids either, but I still go. I get guilty and nervous about it, but I'm such s happy mum when I come back that they all know it's worth it. Also I baby him a bit, by putting meals in the freezer.
Having read your reason for wanting to go, I think it's him that's being selfish.
Get him to communicate WHY he doesnt want you to go. What would that mean to him. If he is going to have help when you are away, he doesn't really have a reason.

Six weeks annual leave is a whole heap of leave.

It would be less than one week of that leave, to do something very important for you.

I think he's being ridiculous and very selfish for making you feel bad about going away.

I go away with work though quite a bit and I've noticed that my friends who have f/t jobs where they have to travel, or work late, or just blitz it every now and again tend to have more opportunities to go away for 'fun' reasons as well, so meeting up with old friends or going away for a few days for a city break. I think the pattern of one parent being able to cope without the other is established early on. The mums I know who are SAH often say their partners say they can't cope without them, and I know of families where the dad has never ever had the children on their own as they 'can't cope'.

If I had little children, I'd deliberately go away to make sure that dad could cope on his own and to set a precedent that one parent going away for a few nights is not the end of the world (all being fine with the children). Otherwise you get into a 1950's rut where the mum is the default carer and ends up having to be there all the time, til the children are teens!

YABU!

Massive fail. YANBU! He shouldn't need help either, it's 4 days

Go for it! I went away from here to London and elsewhere for 6 weeks, and it was great, dh & son coped very well, but DS was 11 so older than your children OP.
You are your own person, not only a mother and wife.
We all can benefit from having time and space on our own, doing things that we want & need to do, without our partners and children, it isn't selfish, sometimes it is so necessary.

I wonder if his unhappiness is less at the thought of having to cope alone (contrary to popular MN opinion, not all men are useless parents) and more to do with the fact that because he can't imagine wanting to go away without you and the children, he's reading more into you strenuously wanting to do so and what he thinks it says about your relationship - that you don't love him as much as he loves you, that it's a sign of some sort of discontent you're feeling etc. That fits with the "what will people say" worry; if he doesn't know many couple who holiday separately and therefore that this is not abnormal, he might be fearing people thinking that your marriage is on the rocks or something.

Not saying that his feelings are in any way justified or a reason not to go, but that there might be more to it than just not wanting to look after the children solo for four days, and that would warrant a more sensitive conversation - along the lines of BertrandRussell's suggestion - than just putting your foot down.

Fill the freezer and let him get on with it. It's only four days for goodness sake. Any decent dad should be able to cope.

He can certainly cope, but considers it unfair he should have to, given he is happy to accompany his wife on said trip.

Hello, Mr4gggg.

Some people like/need to do some things on their own. You are being incredibly unreasonable and unkind to stand in your wife's way like this.

Just say 'no, I'd rather do this on my own. This is very important to me and I will need time on my own to think about things when I'm there'.

If you do it with him/the children, there is a danger (not even a danger, it will happen) it will be all about him/the children and not about what you actually want to achieve when you are there. You will end up managing their tantrums/applying sun screen/fitting round their schedules and not giving yourself the mental space that you need to process this death.

I have a memorial journey to make this summer, not abroad and not away overnight, but I would be very annoyed if my husband suggested he come along with two small children. I go away anyway through work.

You are still a person. I bet you would support him to go.

Oops, I am not 100% sure it was a memorial journey you were making, I kind of put two and two together from your posts, sorry if this was not the case.

Even if you wanted four days off with the girls, that would be fine too.

He can cope with his children. He just doesn't want to.

How dare you want four days to yourself OP? Don't you know your time is his time?

I trust if this is the way it's going to be he'll be ensuring his shifts never leave you to do all the childcare again?

He's got a fucking nerve.

How do you suggest your wife will be able to:

see where it happened and process and understand as I've never understood

Where her family member died, with two small children in tow? Even aside from having the time to do so (would you look after them in this other country all day alone so she can?), what about when she is feeling emotional and wanting time to process what she's discovered? Is it helpful for her to have your children there at that point, and potentially feel she has to hold it together for them?

It is an eminently normal thing for a married person who can afford it to take time out on their own every now and then. Just because you don't want to do this doesn't mean your wife shouldn't.

What is it you fear about this?

I went to a far destination (13 hour flight) by myself without kids and husband (2 under 5s) for a wedding last year. A whole week of bliss. Best trip ever :) DH fully supported me so it all worked out

I understand exactly why you want to go to the place alone. I lost a family member very unexpectedly a long way from home and I'd like to go there, it's hard to put into words why, but the whole thing just seemed so surreal, we were in such shock and grief and pain that it was hard to understand what had happened. I think going there would help.

My husband (we've 3 kids under 12) has been away on trips without us. He took a week to go to the US to meet up with a family member but spent a few days on his own. There was no way I was going to traipse over with 3 at that time, very young children. I've been away for four days travelling and meeting up with a sibling a few times on my own since the kids were born, I used to do it a few times a year.
I really hope you get a chance to go.

I think you should go for it. It is only four days, and you say that finances and annual leave allowances are not a problem.

I went away skiing with my friend for a week recently (mutually agreed with DH, who doesn't ski) and although the children (6 and 4) didn't particularly appreciate it, they were all fine.

What does 'sans husband and children' mean?

What does 'sans husband and children' mean?

Yeah I think it's OK anyway, four days isn't much. And yeah some men do complain at having to look after the kids, but so what? It won't kill him!!!

Thing is, some women aren't much better. The other week there was a phone in on 'this morning' where the stay-at-home yummy mummies were ringing in for advice on how to cope with their children being at home for half term.

Jayzuz Chroist! Never heard anything like it. Talk about entitled-to snowflake! They couldn't cope with the thought of being with their own CHILDREN for 5 days! I used to LOVE the school holidays, and did the most wonderful things with my girls, (and their dad came along sometimes too!)

They remember what great fun we used to have, and still talk about our many trips, events, and days out we had, even now.