To travel somewhere alone, sans husband and children?

[4ggggggggggggggggggggggggggyyy]

Husband thinks I have lost the plot but that's nothing new. Anyway.

I have a particular reason for wanting to go to this part of the world, it's really important to me for all sorts of reasons but one very personal and pertinent one. Hence why I really don't want to go with two pre-schoolers crying and whining and demanding.

Since we have no one else to have them (and I wouldn't ask anyway) I still want to go. I have looked at flights on EasyJet and would go for four days in June. I've suggested husband takes some leave and I go. I regularly do this when husband does a long day: in theory it's a twelve hour shift, in practice it's more like thirteen plus travel time.

Husband is Not Happy.

AIBU to say tough, I need to do this, and book a temporary nanny to help him? Or have I lost the plot as he claims?

My husband is going on a 4 day holiday with a friend in a few weeks time. Me and the kids are staying at home. It would be wrong of me to try and stop him as he really wants to go. I will be expecting a good pressent though

Surreal that in the 21st Century a husband thinks it would 'look peculiar' if you travelled somewhere on your own. He needs to get out more and see woman travelling unescorted every day and night on planes, trains, boats and cars. In any relationship there are places you want (or need) to visit on your own, or with people of your own choosing - and not always with a husband.

I hope he is just afraid of looking after the children on his own - in which case he needs practice. If not, he has serious issues and living in the wrong century and wrong culture.

No YANBI I have been thinking of doing something similar myself. The way I see it if you are going to be married for life (or a long time) it is not fair for one party to prevent the other from doing things that they want to with their life. After all a few days is not really going to impact DH or kids at all but is likely to do you the world of good.
Hope you have a great time x

My heart goes out to you... I'm guessing they're likely other scenarios within your relationship that aren't considered healthy. No doubt having read all the comments, it has got you thinking?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, when there's trust & love.

He is controlling and abusive. You are not compromising but capitulating. Is this the relationship you want your DC to grow up in. Or to think is normal. I know it is difficult to think about, but do please at least think about it, and look at online/other types of support.

Having not met op or DH, I think he's had a hard time. Yes he may be a controlling narcissist. But could it be he loves you dearly, sees you're still in pain and grief and desperately wants to support you on what may be an emotionally challenging trip? To be with you on a journey that means so much to you, I can see that as a loved one, he may want to see you through the good times and the bad. The way this post has been drip fed this post and been made this about You and Him is it possible this is destracting you from another issue; of grief and loss? Have you considered grief counselling and discussed with friends IRL? I think YABU to go on 4 day trip alone without answering those questions, if only for yourself. Sorry for your loss and I hope that once you take that journey, alone or with loved ones, you find the peace you crave.

Honey you can't have read OPs comments throughout the thread or you wouldn't be saying that.

Honey- do please read the thread.

OP if you've been around on Mumsnet for any length of time you'll be able to answer the following question - if only to yourself; what is the acceptable level of abuse in a relationship?

Oh gosh. Please look after yourself OP. Inside and out, now and for the future.

I started out thinking 'this is a simple case of someone who can't tell the difference between a need to understand and a need to believe'. That is, your DH doesn't need to understand your position, he just needs to believe you when you say that this matters to you and this is how you need to deal with it.

But his position being primarily about what 'others may think'... that is unhinged and deeply worrying. It set off the Psycho violin theme in my head.

The expectation of passport-hiding or other sabotage tells me you need to get out of this shower, fast.

I'm so sorry to jump in and add another YNBU.
It doesn't matter WHY you want to go. Even if you wanted 3 days away to sit in a cave on a mountain, he should not have an issue with it. Being married doesn't take away YOU. You have the right to your own life.

Even though my EXH was a complete cunt, he did encourage me to go away on solo trips as he knew that's what I enjoyed. Found out later it was so he could get me out of the way and have sex with his colleagues, but still.

Please look after yourself. xx

I know this is *Mumsnet, but I thought you might appreciate a man's (and dad/husband) opinion...

No, YANBU to want to do this alone, it is only four days and they are his children too. Also, it's not as if you have told him one day, and are going the next. I think all of us with young kids have been in a situation where we have wanted or needed to do it with kids in tow so that we can enjoy or experience it properly.

A couple of years ago, when my eldest was about 10, my wife needed to make a trip home to see family, she went on her own for about 10 days. she wanted and needed to go, and we decided (together) that it was not appropriate (or indeed possible) for the kids to go with her, so they stayed behind with me and I made it work. It's called being in a relationship, and parenting.

I think he just needs to man up!

Just my two pence

There's not a lot of sympathy for the husband here, but I wonder if the reaction would be as positive if the question had been: "My husband want to swan off for four days leaving me to look after our two children with no support. He has said he does not want to go with me or with two whining and demanding children. I have pointed out that I work, but he just says I should use my annual leave to cover his holiday." I'm not convinced that there would be as many people suggesting that she is being selfish or that she should 'toughen up' as after all, they are her kids!

My husband is exactly the same, and would react the same way. If you have to do this. Do it! It sounds important to you. Its such a shame he doesn't realise that's what really matters. I hope you go. xx

Oh do keep up, NeilWalker.

The reverse has been discussed at length already. For many of us, it's perfectly normal for our husbands to go away for a few days on their own, having discussed it rationally and sensibly beforehand. No-where does OP suggest she's done anything other than ask nicely, but her partner is being a selfish controlling twat who would rather HIDE HER PASSPORT than let her off the leash he wants her on.

Well said Dad2 OP, that is what your partner should be saying to you

I think Neilwalker is OP's husband 😀

neil you have clearly not RTFT or you are being ignorant. For instance, my DH works away, our 3 DCs are mostly left in my care, which is fine, they're mine! But my DH would and has agreed that I need to do somethings without kids and supports me, always. His job means that he can be away a lot at short notice, but we agreed, he loved the job so when the opportunity arose, he took it. I supported him. I left my job so that he could pursue his. Compromise, support, understanding. That's how it's supposed to be. Not hiding passports or belittling someone.

Twatty none :)

I must admit I did think there would be more posts like neils I think dh did too

Definitely go. You'll feel amazing, strong and like YOU again doing it and he'll feel a much stronger connection with his children being the main carer for...only 4 days.... It really isn't a long time...I can only see some of this thread so have missed out on the passport worries and jealousy bit, but saw someone said give your passport to a friend - great idea - and then be incredibly positive about the whole trip telling him how much the children will adore spending that time with him blaa blaa, how studies have shown how it strengthen's kids self esteem having strong male role model blaa blaa - say anything in fact that makes him feel good about doing it as he's probably scared sh**less - let's face it, looking after pre-schoolers is exhausting and if he's never been the only one responsible for them then he could be panicking and it comes out as being a control freak. If you have friends/childminder that can relieve him for a couple of hours here and there then great but otherwise let him do it. He's their Dad after all and I'm sure everyone involved will learn loads and when you come back he'll be exhausted but will have a better appreciation of your life and I'm sure a stronger connection with the little ones. Excited for you. Go and enjoy!! Xxx

But OP and Neil, 'swanning off' and 'considering and discussing taking a trip she feels is necessary for her mental and emotional wellbeing following a bereavement' are quite different things, aren't they.

Can you really imagine people saying 'screw his wellbeing and the toll not addressing and processing this loss might have on him (and potentially your relationship) in future. How very dare he even suggest that you take four of your generous 30 days holiday to support him in this! So what if he'd do the same for you this year or at any time if you wanted!'

The fact is, in the six years I've been on MN, I've seen heaps of 'DP wants to go on a stag long-weekend / week, leaving me heavily pregnant / with the baby(s) (sometimes spending money that means no family holiday is possible that year). It won't be possible for me to do the same for a year or two at least, due to pregnancy and baby(s).'

The overwhelming majority of responses have been, 'unless it's within three weeks of your due date, or six weeks after having a c-section, (with some caveats about funds) you'd be unreasonable to seek to prevent him. Pull yourself together and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to go away with friends post-baby, you could. Just because you wouldn't want to doesn't mean he shouldn't'. Oh and 'allowed, what do you mean allowed?!! He's an adult, you can't allow him or not, anyway!'.

OK. My bad. I hadn't read as far as anything about hiding passports - that does add some worrying detail that paints the situation in a different light. My point was just that there was no information about their parenting arrangements in the original post, their respective share of parenting, or his reason for objecting, but there were many immediate assumptions in reply. I'm the primary carer as my wife goes out to work and I work from home, and have been more than capable of looking after my children when my wife has gone away. I just think that people were reading a lot into very little information and applying their prejudices to one side of a story. What I paraphrased was basically all the information that was originally provided.

Sounds like he's the one being selfish to be honest. He should support what's important to you. It sounds very important.

It's only a few day.

Is he also worried he can't cope alone with the kids without you?

If your husband and kids come it'll change the whole trip.

You want to visit the place a loved one passed away.its totally reasonable and normal to want to do that alone and spend time thinking and reflecting alone, a loving dh would support that, him insisting they come means you have to work around them, planning what to do together, getting back for DC meals, bedtimes etc.

From the way your DH has presented himself, I can see it becoming, you get to visit the scene for half an hour,nth run all have to leave when the DC become bored, and if you wanted to return to scene on more than one day I can see him saying there's no need and the DC will be bored, and then the actual reason for trip doesn't happen as you'll end up putting husband first (which sounds like you do a lot) and doing what he wants so that he doesn't strop and make you feel shit and selfish.

He sounds like a right cunt to be honest, and an abusive one at that. I really hope you make that trip alone and don't let him bully you. He's probably terrified that with a few days out of his clutches and a bit breathing space and putting your own needs first for once will make you realise just how controlling he actually is

I've just read the whole thread.

Please get help if you need it.

please don't give up your job, it would be a good idea to have your own money xx