To travel somewhere alone, sans husband and children?

[4ggggggggggggggggggggggggggyyy]

Husband thinks I have lost the plot but that's nothing new. Anyway.

I have a particular reason for wanting to go to this part of the world, it's really important to me for all sorts of reasons but one very personal and pertinent one. Hence why I really don't want to go with two pre-schoolers crying and whining and demanding.

Since we have no one else to have them (and I wouldn't ask anyway) I still want to go. I have looked at flights on EasyJet and would go for four days in June. I've suggested husband takes some leave and I go. I regularly do this when husband does a long day: in theory it's a twelve hour shift, in practice it's more like thirteen plus travel time.

Husband is Not Happy.

AIBU to say tough, I need to do this, and book a temporary nanny to help him? Or have I lost the plot as he claims?

I compromised all of my 30s and much of my 40s away, none of which benefited my child in the long run.

Life's too short. Start living.

I'm always having to compromise, it's all I ever do

It might be time to consider if 4 days is enough to be honest.

Compromises means two people giving/getting.

What compromises has he made for you?

I highly doubt he makes any, from the sounds of it.

Wondering if Field10 is your DH ...

I'm concerned for you, OP. You sound worn down. Perhaps you should seek counseling to understand why you put up with being treated so poorly by your DH.

Oh, Ewe I don't need counselling for that I know why, I can tell you exactly why but I'll condense it and say, because I'm an idiot lol

My mum and dad live in Kenya - they're missionaries and moved there in Jan 2012. They're coming home in April. Last summer I'd been massively overtaxed and got a big rebate. DH suggested going to visit mum and dad as all three of my sisters had been but I hadn't. I was so excited. I went on the computer to book my ticket. He sat with me and when I clicked '1 adult' he was really upset. "But I want to come too! I want to go to Kenya!"

But it wasn't about going to Kenya. It was about me connecting with my family's experiences. It was about me knowing where they'd been. Meeting their friends and not having a five year hole I my life.

He really struggled with it and gave me (very gentle) grief about it for the next few months. I was upset about letting him down but stood firm - I needed it for me.

It wasn't until I was on my second day he got it. I'd been to visit mum's Danish friend (82) who played the piano for us and my mum and I sang a couple of duets together (that was soooooooo nice!!!!! I've missed her so muchl) and when we got to Java coffee house I took advantage of the free wifi and uploaded a picture of us together to Facebook. He messaged me. "You were right - I'd have hated it!!!" It wasn't a jolly, it was me being a daughter. It was being shown off by my parents to all their friends. I didn't spend a single moment alone or go shopping or anything. I slept in theIr tiny spare bed and spent every second with them. It was perfect. I loved every moment. He would have been bored and I'd have felt awkward.

so. My point is, yes, he has a right to feel miffed but he has no right to be nasty or stop you. You know why you're going and you know what you need from this trip.

May I advise the following phrase?

"I am going on my own because that's what I need to do. I love you very much and I know you love me. Please stop talking about it now because my mind is made up and i need you to respect my decision because you love me."

Please go on this trip.

Apologies for appalling capitals etc. My tiny phone screen plus wine does not make for grammatical coherence! :-)

Thank you Naomi I will try!

Do you really mean all you ever do is compromise, OP, or do you actually mean all you ever do is give in for the sake of a quiet life because he becomes unbearable if you don't? What is he compromising on?

Read the post again upthread about coercive control.

I second the advice to namechange, change your password, lock down your security settings and use the Relationships board to get some support for the wider issues here.

I can't get this thread out of my head. I hope you're okay, OP.

YANBU. Just go.

Throwing my YANBU into the ring too.

Good luck OP, I hope this is a turning point for the better.

OP if he knows why this is important to you and is still being difficult, it makes me wonder if he has your best interests at heart, it doesn't sound like it. I know you said you were safe, but are you really? I can't really understand why 4 days is such a big deal. As a compromise could you perhaps go out a few days early with a view to your DH and DCs joining you? I realise your relationship is not up for discussion here but I really think you should consider your position

Completely understandable why you need to go alone. It's not a jolly family holiday occasion at all.

Being charitable towards your husband, is it possible that he fears you'll struggle with processing your grief while you're there, and worries about you being upset and alone?

The insistence that all visits must be taken as family holidays seems ridiculous- is he really saying that neither of you can ever go alone on stag or hen weekends, or trips away with friends, or travelling for a hobby? Or is it only you who cannot travel alone?

Is it something he would like to do too? If so I'd have the hump if my DP wanted to jet off somewhere great and leave me with the daily grind.

If not then YANBU. Crack on!

Is not a good thing anyway for him to have bonding time with his children?
When mums are around,I think we naturally "interfere " and they'll probably have a great time
I've left my children with their dad for weekends since they were babies&he's also had ski holidays with the boys every year too
I think it's important not to lose ones identity&also to be valued for the "job" we do
This would be a lovely little break for them too surely?!

OP you have a double YANBU from here, my DH thinks your H is being a controlling arse (as do I). Fwiw we're attached at the hip, always have been but my DH would never stop me doing what I need to do to make me happy - happy wife, happy life as far as he's concerned and it's reciprocal, when we're both happy the whole house is happy. My DH isn't a fan of me not being with him/him & the kids (he misses me when he's at work and wants to spend time with me) but he also recognises I need time to myself. I think previous posters are correct, you need to make sure you're safe, secure your login and name change and then go over to the relationship boards for further support and advice - I have never seen AIBU so unanimous!

Iv done this a few times altho with mates .
Men are perfectly capable of looking after their own Dc . Yabu at all. Quit compromising .

We have a DD who is SN and I go away for several days at a time for all sorts of things, to get some respite but also just for fun! .DH could go away just as much, but does not wish to. If he did wish to I would do for him what he does for me ie be a parent to our child.
I am appalled at this thread. What kind of partner/husband would object? Why the fuck would the partner think they could have the right to object?
OP just go. And seriously consider if you want to live with your partner in the future if this is what they are like.

My first reaction at the start of he thread was that maybe I'd be feeling nervous if my DH wanted to go away for 4 days without us, purely because he really is like my other half and I like to know he's there if I need him. Having said that, I would completely understand why he wants to go alone as the circumstances are unique and not just a jolly but also that's my issue that I'm not that dependent, not his.
The more I read, the more I am sad for you that he can't see past his own concerns to support you - and this is coming from a wimp. Hopefully he'll feel differently in the morning after time to think things through

NaomiCole what a lovely, heartwarming story.

YANBU OP.

Second that - great story and great phrase, Naomi.

OP, you are not an idiot. If you have made mistakes, or bad things have happened to you, or both, you are a person of value whose opinions and needs are worth the same as her husband's, not less as he seems to think.

Naomi you expressed what the visit meant so well.

There's nothing to stop him having a little holiday with the kids, is there?

(Yes, I realise that you're not planning a holiday, Op).

My point is that he could have FUN with his kids!

My husband is going away on his own for four days in June, doing a triathlon abroad. He loves doing triathlons and this is v important for him. I don't fancy joining him and I think it's fine for him to do something for himself.

Last Sept I went away for five days for a course I really wanted to do. He took care of the kids.

All no probs at all.

Go for it!

I've been away for either work trips or things like hen weekends for 2-4 days often and DH is always fine with doing the childcare: he's a great parent and loves to do it. Why on earth it's unthinkable for one parent (coincidentally, the mum) to have a few days away I don't know. Plus, what will happen if you ever become ill enough to be hospitalised? Or if you get a job that asks you to travel?