To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

[bhappy55]

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

Anytime I see shit like this on here I get so angry . New dc do not trump existing ones . I will never understand how people can get into serious long term relationships with people that already have dc and not treat these kids as part of the family

YABVU

Sorry for the absolute pasting you're getting here OP

I think when your first baby in less than a month is due it's completely reasonable to want your DH to stay nearby in case you go into labour. So in that sense YANBU.

However as others have said you can't expect your DH's kids to go so long without seeing him.

It's unlikely a first labour will be quick so I would suggest you make sure he is contactable 24/7 (eg mobile not on silent or turned off overnight) and able to head back home to you at short notice if need be (so not drinking alcohol while away).

Hope you're OK - AIBU can be brutal

Fuck no!

Asking him to put your child before his would be bad ebough...but you are essentially asking him to prioritise you over his kids!

Sorry you're getting such a rough time on here, but you must be able to see why...

Is there a family member or friend who you can call on during the times he's away? First pregnancies are a nervous time...I get that.

Also meanr to say do you have any family or friends who can visit you while he is away?

This is amazing.

YABU. Hopefully once the baby is here, you'll realise that.

Yarp

Sorry but YABU. You can phone him when you first go into labour and there is a good chance he will still have about 24hrs to make his way home to you before it even begins to start becoming an issue. VV important that his other DCs don't feel they are at the back of the queue for his attention so keep going with him seeing them as normal as long as you can.

Sorry, OP, there are no easy solutions to this problem.

Did DH move away, or are there relatives nearby who his kids could stay with straight after DC is born? That way they can meet their new brother / sister and see their dad without him having to spend time away.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You are trying to set a precedent whereby you and your child are higher in the pecking order than his children. You may not realise that is what you are doing but it is what you are doing.
You can't ask a parent not to see their kids so they can read pregnancy magazines with you.
Get a grip.

YABU. Sorry.

It's tough in your position, you need support and you're feeling vulnerable. Is there no one else about to support you, your mum, or a friend? I know the while thing can be quite overwhelming.
Longer term it may be better if he lived closer to his other kids to cut the traveling time. But I think you know you can't ask him to unhook from his kids for weeks at a time.
First labours are usually quite drawn out, I felt my first pangs at about 2, called my oh home At about 4, and ended up giving birth about 12 hours later, and my midwives thought that was quite quick.

So maybe tell your dh you need a bit more quality time, attention and reassurance, but that will have to come during the week, and on "your" weekends.
Best of luck with your baby.

Of course he should not see his children. What an inconvenience they are.

As long as whatever you wish for them, you'll be happy for your child to receive the same treatment.

YABVVVVVVVVVVU. Blending a family is hard work and the children should not be sidelined at the whim of the new stepmum. Why are the children not coming to you? First thing my DH did when my DS was born was go and get his DD from school and bring her to the hospital. DS was born at 1.34pm and she was at the hospital by 3.30. We'd moved a bit further away when DD was born. We had DSD the week before the birth. I went into labour the day she was due to go back to her mum, we asked if we could keep her 2 more days. My parents stayed at our house with her and DS while DH and I were at the hospital. I gave birth at 2am, DH Went and got them all at 8am. Please, please do not side line your DH's children.

OP , you have a nice decent partner. He was a father before you were in his family.you are all together now and having a new addition and you are all equal in importance.
Best of luck with the delivery. Please don't try to make your DH feel bad for getting his priorities right. Maybe in the future a simplification of the regime could happen... DC stay with you/ live nearer...

Hmm, well obviously you are being wildly unreasonable and if this is real then I feel very sorry for your step-kids who deserve his time and attention as much as ever - if not more. Babies when they do arrive don't just tend to plop out unannounced so he would have plenty of time to get back to you. Whether he would want to when you sound incredibly needy and clingy is another matter. Is this a reverse?

I think you just need to talk to him about how you need more support and time with him. The preamble towards your first birth is very different to a second, third, etc as there's no time to sit and wonder then. So he's gone through that, of sorts, twice already.

Whatever the arrangements for him seeing his eldest two, bear in mind that their mother will be expecting him to continue to hold up his side of the agreement. And likely wondering if the impending birth will impact on his availability post-birth. It is fair to think how it will impact her arrangements in the day's/first few weeks post-birth. Do you know her at all?

I would understand more that you don't want to be abandoned with a new born every other weekend once the little one arrives. Your concern now about not getting enough time together will be magnified when the little one arrives.

Talk to him about how it will work with the baby, but don't use the time spent with the older children as a reason to get upset. Since they came along they've been his top priority.

Living so far away from his DC isn't helping. 5 hr round trip! And if they don't already, you should start to have them staying with the two of you once a month perhaps, or you go to stay closer somehow.

As for him working so late and long. Can't be good. Ask him to work less!

Hi OP, I was in exactly your situation - my DH was 4 hours away every other weekend to see DSD. I think people are forgetting how scary it is to be alone during the later stages of pregnancy. My baby came v prem and both of us were at risk, but luckily DH was home when things kicked off. If the situation with DSC is amicable, can you arrange for them to come to you? Can you take advantage of school hols (Easter is coming up) to arrange for them to be with you for a longer time when the baby arrives? We got my DSC to stay as soon as the baby arrived so she felt part of it, then she was with us for most of the school hols so she could spend time with her new sister. If none of that works have you arranged for family members or friends to come and stay with you when he's not around? Hope it all goes well xx

I think people are forgetting how scary it is to be alone during the later stages of pregnancy

No, I think people are thinking that she should have thought about this before getting pregnant by a man who already had two children if she wanted him all to herself.

How old are his children?

If they're 29 and 27 with families of their own then I expect they'll cope without him.

If they are actually children then of course he can't stop seeing them on the off-chance that a worry might pop into your head!

He needs to manage his workload more effectively so that he can be home with you earlier in the week. not ditching his children.

My 13 year old Dd was 8 when her dad's son was born. We had arranged that I would take ds and Dd to see him a week or so I think after he was born. Their dad cancelled because his wife was going to have family visiting. Their brother was 3 month old by the time they met him. Ds doesn't remember but Dd does and although that alone isn't the cause she is beginning to hate her dad because of a list of things like this where his new family are chosen over his older 2 dc. So living on the other side of it I'm bloody glad you think your dh would say no because he loves and misses them.
You have to look at it from your own perspective. How would you feel if you split up and he ditched your child for a new partner and child? His children will always be his children and you cannot ever ask him to drop them like this.

This has got to be a reverse surely because nobody could be that stupid

I am sorry you are receiving a tough time here which - I assume - is why you haven't updated . Clearly you are feeling vulnerable but as everyone else has pointed out , your baby will be no more important to your DH than his existing DC are. It might be helpful if you return and say how old the other DC are and why they don't stay with you during access time ? In the meantime please don't ask your DH not to see his other children as that would be VVU .