To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

[bhappy55]

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

YABU - he is being a good dad - which is surely a good thing!

YABU, as I'm sure you know.

You want to read pregnancy related stuff, and talk about worries as they pop into your head . . . Your DH already has kids, I'm sure he's had enough of reading pregnancy related stuff. Plus, get some friends.

YAB totally U

My Dad was supposed to have us every weekend when he spoilt with my Mum, it was often cancelled as he'd been out night before and was hungover.

He met his now wife and contact was changed to every other weekend, because they needed some weekends free to spend with her family, and dad was busy with his stepson. It was more like once a month if that.

He then asked for the once a month to stop for a little while as he needed to look after his pregnant wife's son while she rested as she was pregnant. Three children in the house was too much for her.

When approached after baby was born to resume his contact, he asked for it to be changed to a he will see us when he can arrangement as the baby kept them busy, and four children is too much, baby would be kept awake etc etc etc.

Didnt you discuss how he'd manage being there for all three of his children when planning a third? Stepmum get a hard time here, and I do understand you're worries, but he can't treat his existing children as optional extras. He shoudlnt get to choose to opt out of his four days a month parenting and expect his ex to do it for him. How he treats his DC now would be how he treats yours should you ever split. Would you be happy with him opting out of parenting your joint child until his fourth arrives?

If he's several hours away during the week for work he won't be any closer to you should you go into labour and will still have a several hour drive back. Have you asked him to quit work in the weeks running up too? There's more chance of you going into labour on a work day than the four days a month he's with his children. Or is it just his responsibilities to his children?

What's the plan for contact after baby is here?

How much is there to do? Not much. Once you have baby gros nappies and a Moses basket you're set.

Kids come first. Yabu. Grow up.

You must know this is unreasonable but for what it's worth, I do think it's understandable. He's away a lot in the week and every other full weekend. I wouldn't think many new mums, who are in a relationship with the father, actually spend this much time alone.

The first time IS scary, and wanting a certain amount of handholding isnt unreasonable, despite the unpleasant a derisive replies you've had here.

His DC should be as involved as you can make them. I see that yours concerned about his health though. How old are the DC? Is there mother able to drop them to him at a half way point so they can spend the weekend with you as a family? Are they old enough to take the train to you unsupervised?

They are about to have a new brother or sister, it's time to start acting like a family..

My DSD was the first to meet her new brother. He was my first child and I had a nightmare time of it in hospital, but despite needing DP I still insisted he leave me to go get her and bring her to meet DS because older children must be involved, given importance, and Shown (not just told) that they are not being replaced.

Find a way to compromise and get them more involved. Sibling relationships should be the most important in your babies young life (after you and DP obviously).

Whilst yabu being a first time mum is pretty daunting for some people and there is no shame in that despite some very nasty comments here.

Remember that most new parents have an idealised view of how pregnancy & birth should be and curling up together on the sofa reading up about pregnancy/newborns is certainly nothing new (just unrealistic for most)

Take a deep breath and make backup plans for if you go into labour whilst he is away, and try not to panic. Fear of the unknown makes us irrational.

Why would he need to read up about pregnancy/birth stuff. He's been there, done that

I'm sorry but yabu. I would have felt the same - I think it's natural to want your dh to be close as you get closer to your due date. In both my pregnancies, dh was never far away.

I hate to sound harsh but it is this kind of thing that you will consistently struggle with as your dh already has 2 dc. So on a way this is preparation - you will always be sharing him, and you will probably feel (irrationally) that your baby is more important than his dc. Take comfort in the fact he is already a good father and he will know what he's doing!

When you're baby is here you will understand why it's unanimous. It's true that most first pregnancies go past the due date and once your baby does arrive you'll be having lots of family time so if he stopped seeing them now it could end up being a huge block of time. This would be really bad for your dh and his kids. Not great for you, I understand first pregnancy feelings, but you knew he had kids when you picked him.

It must be very hard for him to see so little of them. I can't imagine not living with my children, it would break my heart.

I would compromise and have them come to you. Also remember a first labour is likely to be long, plenty of time for him to get back to you. Chin up op, you're about to be really really grateful that he's such a good dad!

What was his response to your suggestion that he brings his DC to your house OP?

I hope you've not come back because you're busy giving your head a wobble.

If this is your first it is usual to be anxious and have daft ideas . Unless his kids are grown up you are being very unreasonable.

Good luck op

Why would he need to read up about pregnancy/birth stuff. He's been there, done that

Bit arrogant.

His DCs might be quite a bit older. Lots of things may have changed since he went through it before. My DPs eldest was 8 when I got preg and there was loads he couldn't remember or hadn't been told the first time round. My DSis was adamant DS's formula should be made up a specific way, because it's what she'd been told with DNephew 11 years before my DS came along. The instructions changed in that time.

Perhaps there is a similar age gap with this ladies' DP. You don't know so why assume.

Hi OP - surely this is going to be more of an issue once the baby has arrived and dh isn't around because he's with his dcs. What have you agreed will happen after you've given birth?

.

Yep. The unsavoury whiff of Dayly Phale.

apart from the obvious which has been said.

Why don't the children come to your house on contact? he might drive a lot but how is family life going to work when your baby is born..Will he not see you EOW..

You don't want him to see his kids so you can tell him your thoughts "as and when they pop into your head"?? YABVVVU.

I was totally on my own in the run up to my due date. It's not the worst thing and I don't think it's a good idea to ditch his kids at this stage- blending is going to be difficult enough and that will send all the wrong signals.

I won't repeat what others have said. Instead I have a different thought for you. Can your partner take a few days off work mid week in weeks where he will be away at the weekend. Do you know about parental leave? Once baby is born he can take up to 4 * 1 week off a year extra. Unfortunately it is unpaid so it depends if you can afford it. My partner takes odd days off in the week so we can do things together whilst we have child care and then uses unpaid leave for normal holidays. It really eases the pressure. Oh and it is available for each child so he can take time off to be with his other children too.

If this is even real it's unreasonable. Christ, I was single and planned it all alone. It's called preparation, independence and taxi numbers.

On the off chance you are still here OP, when you have finished reading your pregnancy related stuff, I recommend Siblings Without Rivalry. www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/1853406309?tag=mumsnetforum-21 Try thinking about things from the children's point of view. And I mean your child throughout their childhood and into adulthood, as well as your step-children.

YABU

Of course you're being unreasonable! He doesn't get to see that much of them as it is, so asking him to spend less time with them is 100% unreasonable. What's going to happen once the baby is born? Are you expecting him to miss time with them because of your newborn? Make a good plan for what he will do when it comes to his DC if you go into labour while he's with them and for the few weeks following the birth, but it isn't fair to expect them to miss out on their Dad because the two of you are having another child. You knew he that already had children when you got pregnant.

Unless there is a massive drip feed of 'his children are daughter and son, 34 and 47 respectively' (and even then, to some extent)...YABVU.

Or, to put it more succinctly, 'what foxysoxy01 said'