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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

347 replies

bhappy55 · 19/02/2017 21:41

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

OP posts:
Car95 · 20/02/2017 12:08

It's not about making his life easier. He has chosen to start a new family, he doesn't get to put aside his old one when they become inconvenient.-

Putting words in my mouth 🙄

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 12:10

Nope, they are my words. You should try for your own, but they all seem to be justifying useless behaviour.

Sallystyle · 20/02/2017 12:10

If I was your husband I would resent you for asking me not to see my children incase you went into labour. I would actually worry about what kind of person I married.

HumphreyCobblers · 20/02/2017 12:11

I don't see how unanimously disagreeing with someone is bullying, and I am a strong critic of the aibu boards.

I am not saying that the unanimous disagreement is bullying, I am saying that continuing to say it, over and over and over is bullying, and disagreeable behaviour.

About two hundred people had SAID she was being unreasonable before I first posted. Surely that is enough? People would be more justified in continuing to post if the OP had been back to argue the toss.

More and more people piling in to state just how unreasonable the OP is seems unnecessary and unkind.

Car95 · 20/02/2017 12:13

The mother of this baby is not the mother of those other children, so that is immaterial. And if the father thought they were as important, OP wouldnt even think she could ask this of him.

I know she isn't, but the dad is a parent to both so both mums need to accept that both children are equals.
And my point was that just because the baby isn't born yet it doesn't mean the baby is insignificant. Babies don't just pop out one day and then everything changes- it changes beforehand.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 12:17

That change does not consist of not seeing the other children, does it? So what exactly is your point?

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 12:18

both mums need to accept that both children are equals

And no, they don't. I don't have to accept that anyone else child is equal in importance to mine. To me, mine are, that new baby is nothing to do with me.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/02/2017 12:19

Younger babies are generally expected to fit around their older siblings though.

Car95 · 20/02/2017 12:21

Me me me. Mine mine mine.

Well then you can forgive your child's stepmum for thinking the same about her children then surely? No thought not.
If your ex has more children with someone else, then you need to accept that they are just as important to HIM. That is my point.

bummymummy77 · 20/02/2017 12:21

I have to say that as a person who had both a mum and a dad that had children from other relationships after me and being put to the side it sucks.

It's part of what contributed to my mental health issues and low self esteem. Please, this is a critical time for them and although I know you're hormonal and needy right now as most new Mums are, they are children and their needs can't be ignored.

Robinkitty · 20/02/2017 12:24

This is what mobile phones are for, send him links, text him, face time. Call him if you need him, he's not going out getting drunk he's busy seeing his kids. As long as he's always available at the end of a phone then yabu.
By the way you will want his attention even more once the baby's born. I can see trouble ahead with your attitude.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 12:25

If your ex has more children with someone else, then you need to accept that they are just as important to HIM. That is my point

No, I don't. And since he will be a full time father to that one, and a part time father to the others (and far less of one at that, if OP gets her way) then clearly they are NOT equal to the father.
So your point is pointless.

Twistmeandturnme · 20/02/2017 12:39

AYBU to expect your DH to stick around more as you get closer to my due date ? No. YANBU
AYBU to ask him to see less of his children? Yes. YWBU.
One does not exclude the possibility of the other. You say that your DH travels for his work: is he able to select his own calls and order them in the week so if there's one to where his DCs live he could do that one on a Friday and bring them back with him?
This is an opportunity for you make a blended family; for your new baby to grow up surrounded by loving parents and siblings. It does mean that the logistics of DC visiting may have to change, but the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.
You are obviously quite anxious and lonely. Are there any antenatal groups near you? I bet you'll find a group of women to share lots of these worries with which will help you.
Good luck.

Car95 · 20/02/2017 12:44

Not really. Just because he doesn't see them every day of the year it does not mean he sees them as any less important.
What about resident parents who don't see their first children every day but see their second children every day? Going by your logic the child is less important to them as well.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 12:46

You're missing the point. It's not even about importance, its about need. The older children need contact with their father, especially when another baby is coming. A foetus needs....nothing from him. Not a thing.Childrens needs are more important then than foetus needs.

Car95 · 20/02/2017 12:56

I am not disputing that and I totally agree that the children seeing their father is a need that must be met. I have not once actually condoned the op.
The unborn baby isn't insignificant though and it is a pretty big thing to get a new baby sibling, so acting as if the baby doesn't exist is a bit silly. Involving the children in the upcoming arrival, making extra effort to make them feel loved and a part of the family etc is the way to go. It seems like the op wants one extreme ie to not have the children around at all and have her DP all to herself, and then the other extreme is where the father just forgets he's going to be having another child in a matter of weeks and the op can fend for herself.
Which to me strikes the question... Why can't the children come to their home with their dad???

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/02/2017 13:08

Sorry to miss the point but where does he stay when he visits them and why isn't he setting off for home until 9.30pm on a Sunday?!

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 13:15

Op only skim read first few pages and TBh was feeling same as other posters but I feel you have been given a really really hard time on here, your just mooting a suggestion, your pregnant with I think your first child? And you simply want your hard working never at home to be with you more, surely thats perfectly understandable?

I also feel it would spark off nasty feelings if your DH said he was not going to see the dc at this time, but at the same time, this is an unusual circumstance isn't it.

Why don't the dc come to you>? can their mother do the driving and bring them? Is he still expected to leave his new born to go every other weekend? I thought in situations like this the DC spent half time in their dads house and half time at mums which would make it so much easier.

can a new temp arrangement be made and the dc stay with you at another time for longer? I think its really sad to cut the current dc out - but at the same time, I think its really sad a new mum to be who simply wants more time with her dh as due date nears cant get it.
Agree with car above.

Sunnyfeet · 20/02/2017 13:16

OP - I actually think it's your DH who is being unreasonable here. Of course he needs to see his children, and this shouldn't stop, but the visiting arrangements need to change. The current arrangements clearly worked at one time (I assume?) but life changes, he now has a new partner and a new baby on the way, and I've never been a huge fan of 'set in stone/has to stay this way forever/it's been like this since 2009 so can't change/we do it like this because that's what we've always done' arrangements. You haven't said why he has to go away to have contact, this is unrealistic moving forward, and will prevent his existing children forming a relationship with their new brother/sister.

And would it be the end of the world if you tweaked the access rota, just this once, if you get right up to your due date and he's due to go away? Surely in a family there will always be times when one person has a need that trumps everyone else's for a few days - I think the arrival of a new baby is definitely one of those occasions.

Someone just referred to the new baby as a 'foetus'. What a horrible thing to say, that poster should be ashamed of herself.

user1486915549 · 20/02/2017 13:18

Cherrychasing....That's what I asked OP .
Odd situation

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 13:20

If I was your husband I would resent you for asking me not to see my children in case you went into labour. I would actually worry about what kind of person I married

I couldn't help laugh at this its so outrageous.

Sunnyfeet · 20/02/2017 13:23

So it's fine for the OP to give birth in her partner's absence, just so long as that particular week's visiting arrangements don't get altered?

myoriginal3 · 20/02/2017 13:25

A first time labour will not be fast. He'll be there.

He doesn't need to read pregnancy stuff with you. He has two already. He knows the drill.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/02/2017 13:28

So it's fine for the OP to give birth in her partner's absence, just so long as that particular week's visiting arrangements don't get altered?

OP isn't asking for that though is she.

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 13:29

what is constituted as fast though? How does anyone know?

Whats wrong with op wanting to read pregnancy stuff - just share this with him?

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