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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

347 replies

bhappy55 · 19/02/2017 21:41

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 20/02/2017 13:33

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lia66 · 20/02/2017 13:37

My dh worked at least 3 and a half hours away Monday to Friday when I was expecting dc6. It worked out. I think you're probably safe ( although obviously it's a natural event so not 100%) for him to be able to get back to you.

PatMullins · 20/02/2017 13:37

What a thread! ShockGrin

Raaaaaah · 20/02/2017 13:37

Disclaimer: I haven't read full thread.

OP you are not unreasonable for feeling vulnerable and in need of your partner in the run up to the birth of you DC. However you are being unreasonable expecting him to spend less time with his existing DC. It should be a reassurance to you that you have a good 'un who maintains contact with his kids. It's an indicator of how seriously he takes parenthood.

I completely understand how you feel though. My Partner's Mum was terminally ill when I was heavily pregnant with our third. It was really important for him to spend precious time with her (she lived a few hours away and he had to stay over) but boy did I feel lonely, vulnerable and tearful. Big unmumsnetty hugs from me as the weight of emotions can suck even if they aren't reasonable Flowers. Oh and he got back in time for the birth even though he was away when I went into labour.

Raaaaaah · 20/02/2017 13:40

Have now read some of the thread!! Boy oh boy you lot have some empathy Hmm. The OP is feeling scared and overwhelmed and everyone lays into her.

mouldycheesefan · 20/02/2017 13:43

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jcne · 20/02/2017 13:45

YABVU. children come first. be a big girl.

everybodysang · 20/02/2017 13:47

The reaction you're getting is a bit harsh (step parents often get a bit of a bashing on AIBU) but you know YABU. I have 2 DSC and when DD was due I did feel like you do, a little bit, but I kept it very, very firmly to myself. Mind you DH was bringing the kids back to ours rather than staying there - as others have said, you'll have to look at how you manage this arrangement when the baby's here.

When your hormones are going wild and you think like this (and you might have more feelings like this, it's complex blending a family) you really have to remember this - YOU are the adult in this situation, your SDC are children and even if it's very, very tough, you must always do what makes them feel secure and loved. Sometimes that really does mean biting your lip and reminding yourself of this.

I love my stepchildren very dearly, but they do frustrate me in ways my own child doesn't but oh my god I just keep my mouth shut and work through it myself. It's me that has issues if there are problems - not them.

We're all really close now and they're older teenagers and a delight but it was a bit tough at times when they were younger. I know it's hard. But kids need to be secure and not feel pushed out - that has to be the most important thing.

HumphreyCobblers · 20/02/2017 14:04

A first time labour will not be fast. He'll be there.

This is not true. It may be very fast. Mine was.

Sunnyfeet · 20/02/2017 14:42

It would be really helpful to know WHY contact takes place so far away from the OP's home,.

bummymummy77 · 20/02/2017 15:07

I'm sure I read upthread that the op didn't want them around her in her home in the later stages of pregnancy.

bummymummy77 · 20/02/2017 15:10

"I don't have a problem with his DC or DH seeing them, just perhaps not on the weekends in the lead up to labour"

This is very unreasonable. It won't get any easier once the baby is born.

Screwinthetuna · 20/02/2017 15:21

I think he should be spending as much time with his DC as possible before the baby comes...YABU.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 20/02/2017 16:03

YABVU

You choose to get involved with a man who already had children, you and dh choose to have a baby, his children have no choices, all they will be concerned about is seeing their dad and him being part of their lives, so don't stand in the way of that. I do understand the worry that the baby will suddenly make and appearance while you are on your own, but even if you go into labour and its quick for a first baby he will have time to get home to you.

when exh new partner was pregnant he didnt see our dc for 4 weeks before the birth and 4 weeks after, despite living 5 minutes from us. My poor dc were really upset and anxious. When they finally met the baby they felt very pushed out, unfortunately for them it was the start of a slippery slope, they have now moved abroad and ex sees our dc two or three times a year

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 16:05

It should be a reassurance to you that you have a good 'un who maintains contact with his kids. It's an indicator of how seriously he takes parenthood

YY I think this is the best thing the op can take from this thread

Sunnyfeet · 20/02/2017 16:44

Is it just me who thinks the current contact arrangements are a bit odd, and need addressing?

Fanciedachange17 · 20/02/2017 21:31

Its not just you Sunny. I wondered if it were a Court arrangement and maybe it is supervised contact only.

minipie · 20/02/2017 22:28

Um. I wondered if OP was the OW and exW doesn't want DC seeing her. But that is pure speculation.

AnguaResurgam · 21/02/2017 08:02

"It would be really helpful to know WHY contact takes place so far away from the OP's home,"

Isn't the usual reason that the NRP has moved? And that the journey is not one the DC can do independently (no train or coach service, or simply too young to be unaccompanied).

ZombieApocalips · 21/02/2017 08:05

If the OP had posted about being scared /lonely because her dh worked 2.5 hours away, she'd have had lots of sympathy. Unfortunately she went a step further and mentioned the stepkids which is what prompted many to post.

I'm surprised that a devoted dad wouldn't live closer to the kids tbh. If OP and her h lives 2.5 hours away because it's closer to OP/her h's family then she needs to think about whether the support she gets from then outweighs the benefits of having her h being further away. If not, I would really suggest that they move closer to the stepkids. Even 1.5 hours closer would save time and money (petrol).

minipie · 21/02/2017 09:59

Angua even with a long journey, I would have thought it was more usual for the kids to come and stay with the NRP on their weekends - not least so the RP can have a break! It's not clear here where the DH is spending his weekends with the kids. If he is staying every other weekend at his ex's house while he sees his kids, that's pretty unusual I'd have thought.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/02/2017 11:16

Another OP who lights the touch paper then steps away Hmm

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