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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

347 replies

bhappy55 · 19/02/2017 21:41

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

OP posts:
LadyPenelope68 · 20/02/2017 07:48

YABVVU

southall · 20/02/2017 07:57

After 39 weeks. He probably shouldn't be that far away, you and your unborn child should be his priority. Especially if its your first pregnancy (you didnt say).

But before that i would say you are being unreasonable.

ithakabythesea · 20/02/2017 08:16

No, all his children should be his priority. OP is going to have to learn to share.

OfftheCuff · 20/02/2017 08:17

YABU

He has children. You knew that when you married him.

Think of it this way - would you like him to treat his child with you like this in his next marriage?

southall · 20/02/2017 08:23

So when he goes on holiday with OP he will sometimes have to miss a visit.
I would guess this is made up for a later.

I dont see the problem of missing a visit around the due date. He can make it up later.

Bluebellevergreen · 20/02/2017 08:26

OP is this your first baby? If it helps I was 37 weeks thinking well it can come any time now!
At 41 freaking weeks now and still waiting. DH working, going out, etc because there will be plenty of time for him to reach me if this labour ever starts and these weeks are looooong.
You will rather have him home for the 2 weeks after baby is here.

He sounds like a committed dad which is good.

Just try to find a way to distract yourself because you might have 6 weeks of this and the wait is long and hellish
Good luck

pishedoff · 20/02/2017 08:26

YABU

As others have said, spin it around, imagine how you would feel if you and your DH split in the future and your DC becomes a second rate citizen?

I have a friend like this, she has a son with her DH, she took him on knowing that he already had 3 children from his previous marriage. 2 are now adults but the youngest ( young teen) is regularly pushed aside on contact weekend so they can do something special with her snowflake. I can't understand how her DH does it, but he does. As I have a son from a previous relationship, and have had to deal with the upset from him when Dad cancels for something better, I've had to ask her not to talk about her SC as it's nasty!

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2017 08:29

Op have you maybe just finished work for maternity leave or something? And that's what's leaving you feeling vulnerable because you're suddenly home alone?

Do you have any support network other than your husband?

Notcreative23 · 20/02/2017 08:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I had my first born a month early. You never know what's going to happen. I think your DH and his ex need to sort out a way for the kids to come down and see him at your house.

I don't agree with the people saying you're putting your child ahead of his. I think you're worried about labour and want your partner to be there with you in case anything happens. That is very understandable.

His ex can't honestly expect him to drive 2 hours every weekend to see them. Surely she has to bring them up to you guys at some point as well. Especially after the baby is born!!!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/02/2017 08:32

His ex can't honestly expect him to drive 2 hours every weekend to see them

Actually if the OP and her DH are the ones that moved away then actually she can.

Jenniferb21 · 20/02/2017 08:34

I think everyone is being a little harsh here when you're Labour is approaching it is a very scary time and I can see why you want him around. However he does have responsibilities already and balancing them will always be something you all have to deal with.

I think most importantly what will happen when the baby is born in the first couple of weeks you will need him there for you.

Can the kids come to you? Can he see them for just few hours rather than a whole weekend?

For a first labour I'm sure he'd get to you before you even get to hospital.

Good luck xxxx

Afreshstartplease · 20/02/2017 08:34

Yabu you might not give birth for ages yet

Imagine how pushed out his DC would feel

Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot

JacquesHammer · 20/02/2017 08:35

Jesus Christ some totally unpleasant posts on here. Bravo to those posters throwing around the insults. Big and clever.

OP, YABU but then secretly I think you know that and we're just looking for an outlet.

Now would be a good time to have a chat with your OH as to how things will work if you are in labour the weekend when he's seeing his children.

Notcreative23 · 20/02/2017 08:35

Also my first labour was only an hour! Every labour is different. You can't just assume it's going to be a long labour the first time because that isn't always the case.

southall · 20/02/2017 08:35

OP,

Push for what you think is in the best interests of your own health over the next few weeks.

You should not be feeling unduly stressed at this time.
Pregnancies always carry a small risk to mummy and baby.

His kids are safe at home with their mum.

Msqueen33 · 20/02/2017 08:37

So you'd be okay with him working weekends and not seeing your child? You'd be happy with that? They are his children whom he loves. They're part of your family. Your understandably nervous but you can't ask him to not see his kids

expatinscotland · 20/02/2017 08:38

(checks drawer for missing socks)

Jenniferb21 · 20/02/2017 08:43

Sorry when your labour is approaching

Also just to add in absence of their ages it's hard to say (sorry if you've put it on a later message I didn't read the entire thread) it's hard to say but maybe the last weekend (around your due date) he could Stay home? Would that be a fair compromise

maltesersarethedevil · 20/02/2017 08:43

Expatinscotland Wink

southall · 20/02/2017 08:46

Most of you are reacting as if the OP wants to permanently ban her DH from ever seeing his other kids!

TrojanWhore · 20/02/2017 08:46

Four days a month with his DC isn't that much.

If you want 4 days with him just concentrating on you, he could take leave.

Because your relationship with your employer is way way less important than your relationship with your DC.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/02/2017 08:48

Push for what you think is in the best interests of your own health over the next few weeks.

Her DH should push for what is best for his DC. Funnily enough they are just as important as the baby.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/02/2017 08:50

Most of you are reacting as if the OP wants to permanently ban her DH from ever seeing his other kids!

Well maybe because many of us have seen how this goes... Next it will be can't see the DC because the new baby is here. Can't see the DC because of tiredness. Can't see the DC because.......

vrid85 · 20/02/2017 08:54

I'm sorry but I disagree with most of you on this. I definitely don't think YABU to want your DH around in your last weeks of pregnancy. Of course you are not expecting him to completely ditch his DC but I don't see how he can expect the current set up to continue once the baby is born anyway!
How on earth is it reasonable that your DH is away from Friday to Sunday night on a frequent basis? Couldn't his DC come to you instead? Where is he staying when he sees his DC? This arrangement is not healthy and completely prevents you from forming a relationship with his DC, if he doesn't want them to feel left out then why isn't he involving them in his new family life? How are they ever supposed to have a relationship with their new sibling? Crazy set up if you ask me, sorry you're getting such a grilling!

pishedoff · 20/02/2017 08:55

Exactly Piglet, Is this just a temporary thing or is OP going to be expecting the SC to be dumped over lots of other situations

If I thought it was the former, whilst it's not ideal, I would go with it but plan something special with the children after the birth etc but I don't think that's the case unfortunately

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