To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

[bhappy55]

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

OP I'm assuming from your post that you don't have much to do with your step children? If your DH visits them every other weekend and I'm assuming stays over and you are left at home?

How exactly will you cope with a newborn with him working long hours during the week and being away every other weekend? You can't ask him to not visit his children when you have the baby, but his presence in yours and the babies life is likely to be minimal if he's already minimally present in your life. Did you not talk about this or consider this before conception?

His DC were there first and long before you were. Children always come first. If he does stop seeing his existing children between now and whenever you deem it acceptable for him to no longer be around all the time, I'd be questioning his ability to be any kind of parent as he clearly doesn't put his children first. You would also need to be happy for him to do the same if you ever break up and he fathers another child.

OneWithTheForce: That's you, isn't it? Most first-time mums expect their partners to be more available to them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

As 12 pages have already said YABU.

What wouldn't be unreasonable though would be to suggest he tries to take a bit of leave so he can be more around for you and also see his kids as normal. Could he try and negotiate a 4 day week for the next few weeks?

You also need to sit down and work out what will happen when the baby comes because that is when you are going to need the support. Can someone come and stay with you when he makes the visits to his kids? What you should not do is ever ever make it difficult for him to honour his existing access agreement with his kids. That should not change but you both need to work out how you and the new baby will be supported when the visits happen.

Most first-time mums expect their partners to be more available to them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Well there is because he also has other responsibilities.

Most first-time mums expect their partners to be more available to them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Bluntness100: I'm not saying she is right. I am saying her feelings are understandable and - with the caveat that she is wrong - don't deserve the pasting she has had on here today.

PigletWasPoohsFriend: True. But there is more than one way to skin a cat, isn't there? Why can't his kids come to them? I am not saying she is right, I am saying it isn't simply the case that she is unreasonable and precious. Pregnancy is hard.

My stepmum asked my dad to do something similar during her first pregnancy - it was the start of a slippery slope. My dad and I were close and spent most weekends together when I was younger. I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire now - they phased me out.

I don't see how unanimously disagreeing with someone is bullying, and I am a strong critic of the aibu boards.

My now eXH used to work a 2.5 hour commute away when I was pregnant with DS. He couldn't have worked closer to home for that period in case I'd gone into labour, I would just have had to call my mum and then hope he made it home in time. Similarly he took our DS away for the weekend to visit friends the weekend before his current DP's due date. Not a decision I personally would have taken but nothing happened and she didn't in fact have the baby for another three weeks. So basically life just has to carry on as normal. Pregnancy isn't an illness. But there's a lot of issues tied up in this which go beyond The DH not being there for the OP during the last weeks of her pregnancy. If she's not a part of the DSC's lives how are the DSC going to have a relationship with their sibling? Will the DH have an expectation that he take the baby with him on some weekends to see his other DC for instance?

I'd be more concerned at working out the bigger picture than what's happening in the next four weeks. Because the OP is only going to be pregnant with this baby for nine months, the sibling relationship will hopefully be for life.

Trifle, yes, the op has had a bit of a pasting.

The thing is the question it then gives rise to, is what happens once the baby is born, when will the op be comfortable with him seeing his children. When it's two weeks old, four, six? And you're talking up to six weeks before the birth with no contact either. It really is the start of a slippery slope. So maybe three months with no contact as a new sibling is due or has been born?

Cutting the kids out to focus on the op at this stage, for no more than to read pregnancy books together and discuss thoughts as they pop into her head, is not the answer.

While agreeing that OP is being unreasonable there are some people here who are being vile. DH's DCs are very important, of course they are. But they are no more important than the baby soon to be here.

Some first wives seem to think the world revolves around the first DCs and any subsequent DCs are somehow inferior and less important. They aren't.

Yabu op, his kids and he come as a package deal. Just be glad that he's the kind of father that sees his children regularly. I'd question him more if he went a month or so without seeing them just in case.

Bluntness100: I don't disagree. I do think it's easy to forget how hard it is being on your own with a newborn, and it does sound like the OP is going to need to get used to that! I feel far more sorry for her than anything else.

OP, if you do come back to the thread, consider having a back-up birth partner (mum or a friend?) as you will feel better for having the security of knowing someone will be with you in the event that your waters break, you have reduced movement etc. People are very quick to say, "Oh you'll have ages for him to get back" but the reality of birth can be very different to that. I would make sure I wasn't going to be alone even if it meant DP missing it.

OP if you had to share out your dear child would you think these thoughts? Or would you think that your child is worth sharing and is a person in their own right, who needs and deserves all the love they need?

Some first wives seem to think the world revolves around the first DCs and any subsequent DCs are somehow inferior and less important. They aren't.

Totally agree. Although mums on both sides of the fence can end up thinking their children are more important. The person in the middle is a dad and whether first wives/second wives like it or not, all the children are equally important to HIM.
Some of the posters on here are just as bad as the op, if not worse with their attitudes towards children that aren't theirs. "Latest sprog"? Ouch.

Aw, the poor dad, with all these competing women and children. The sap.

Some first wives seem to think the world revolves around the first DCs and any subsequent DCs are somehow inferior and less important. They aren't

No they aren't however in reality it goes the other way. First DC are faded out in favour of second families.

DH's DCs are very important, of course they are. But they are no more important than the baby soon to be here

Of course they are. They are walking, talking, thinking people who are being denied their parent. The foetus is just that.

TheWinter Well it doesn't make his life any easier does it when people are competing does it? Doesn't make him a sap at all.

But they are no more important than the baby soon to be here.

It's not about making his life easier. He has chosen to start a new family, he doesn't get to put aside his old one when they become inconvenient.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd I thought of him as just as important as my 1st walking, talking, thinking little person. Especially when I was 37 weeks pregnant. Is that not normal?

Unfortunately for you, it's just one of those things that have to be dealt with. His other children are just as important as you and the one you have on the way, and you get to see him during the week aswell I assume?
I totally understand that you may feel the need to have him nearer as your due date approaches but you can't ask him not to see his other children.
Do you have much family around you?
Unfortunately, no one really has their partner around to chat through things as and when they pop into their head, maybe try and make a list of worries etc as they pop up during the day, and chat through them in the evening or before you go to sleep etc. I'm 39 weeks at the minute and it's my partner's busiest time of the year at work (sods law lol!) which means he's working all hours, so we're not exactly swimming in time together. It's just one of those things, and that's his job, not something as important as other children as in your case.
I know it's hard, and I know you're going to have worries etc but the best thing you can do is talk to him about how you feel. But personally I'd talk to him about how you're feeling without asking him not to see his other children. It's not fair on them or him, and it shows what type of person he is and the type of father he's going to be to yours that his other children are so important to him. Don't ask him to change but maybe try and find another solution together.

The mother of this baby is not the mother of those other children, so that is immaterial. And if the father thought they were as important, OP wouldnt even think she could ask this of him.