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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my DH to spend more time with me as we head closer to my due date and not see his DC for a few weeks?

347 replies

bhappy55 · 19/02/2017 21:41

AIBU to expect my DH to stick around more as we get closer to my due date (I'm 36 weeks pregnant). You see, my DH has 2 DC from a previous marriage and he sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he sees them in the week if he works in the area as well, which is about 2 and half hours drive away (in good traffic). On weekends that he sees them, he doesn't normally get back until around midnight on a Sunday, including tonight. The thing is, with me being so close to the due date, I don't really want to be on my own, just in case anything happens. And not seeing him at weekends at this stage in my pregnancy is getting me down because he is so busy working on weekdays (sometimes very late into the evening) that we don't really get any quality time together. My Q is, AIBU to ask that he doesn't see his DC in the last remaining weeks, at least until I go into labour? There's still so much we have yet to do around the house, and with it being my first pregnancy, I could really do with spending some time with him to talk about my worries as and when they pop into my head. Or sometimes, I just want to be able to have him with me so he and I can read up about pregnancy related stuff together. Although I know he loves me very much, I do feel like I'm on my own and not getting the support I need from him. There's a good chance that even if I did ask, he would refuse anyway because he says that he loves his DC and will miss them too much not to see them, which I do also understand. What are your thoughts please? Anyone else going through or been through a similar situation?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/02/2017 10:00

I think this thread has descended into bullying, just by the sheer weight of responses saying YABU and variations thereon.

People have disagreed and said they think OP is BU...how on earth is that bullying? Sheer weight of responses? That means the majority of people disagree with OP thats all. Cant we all stop what? Is no-one else allowed to say OP is bu then? Hmm

Elendon · 20/02/2017 10:02

You are having one child; this is your DH's third child. He rarely sees them as it is.

What would you do if you were working and didn't see your children regularly and your other half was having his first child?

You have at least 4 weeks left. Your husband has other children. He's doing his best. You need to understand that your child has half siblings.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2017 10:02

I think this thread has descended into bullying, just by the sheer weight of responses saying YABU and variations thereon.

So you need some people to agree with the OP to prevent 'bullying'?

How does that work when everyone thinks she is being very U?

HumphreyCobblers · 20/02/2017 10:07

everyone is allowed to say what they want, obviously

I am allowed to say that I think it would be kinder to look and see a lot of people saying the same thing and think "Oh, she'll have got the point by now, I won't weigh in saying a variation of you are a selfish thoughtless person".

I think the OP is unreasonable but I also think she is heavily pregnant and it would be kinder to stop going on about it, given that so many people have already said it.

HumphreyCobblers · 20/02/2017 10:08

Can you not empathise with someone you disagree with?

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/02/2017 10:10

Can you not empathise with someone you disagree with?

No, since empathise actually means to understand and share the feelings of another.

likewhatevs · 20/02/2017 10:13

I can see this from OPs point of view. Of course YABU OP, but I get it. You are anxious and fretting. You don't yet have your child, so you don't know how important it is for him to see his children. He sounds like a good father, trying to do right by everyone.

When my DNiece was younger (she was 6 at the time ) she was badly burned in an accident at home. My SIL texted her absent father from the hospital telling him what had happened and asking if he could come and see her. He didn't come. He didn't even call DNiece to see how she was.

They didn't discover till several months later that his new wife was nearish her due date at the time (he wanted to show them the new baby which was the first time they knew about it - either the baby, or the wife ) and hadn't wanted to leave the 36 weeks pregnant wife in case something happened.
He has since all but forgotten about his older two to concentrate on his new family. He visited them yesterday for the first time in 6 months because he was 'in the area'. He forgot to bring his youngest a birthday present (she is 11 next month) but he did remember to apologise to his eldest who just turned 13 for forgetting to send her one.

That is an example of a shit dad. Don't push your DH into being a shit dad. He clearly isn't.

HumphreyCobblers · 20/02/2017 10:16

ok, can you not feel sorry for someone you disagree with?

This pile on mentality is the most depressing thing about AIBU. I am sure MN was a kinder place before it started.

Given the fact that the OP has not been back to defend her position and argue that she is NOT being unreasonable, I am wondering why so many people seem to be keeping on and on telling her that she IS unreasonable.

Elendon · 20/02/2017 10:16

The OP wants to talk about her worries as and when they pop into her head. Sorry, but that is asking too much from someone who also has other children they want to see and sounds controlling. I've never stopped my ex from seeing the children, but when his twins were born, prematurely, he was given all the time he and his partner needed. Good grief, who wouldn't do this?

Somehowsomewhere · 20/02/2017 10:20

Surely not many people can talk about worries as and when they pop into their head when on maternity leave before the baby comes, as their partner will still be at work?

Sunnysidegold · 20/02/2017 10:22

Agree with maroonie, how would you feel if it was the other way round? That he told your child he couldn't see them for a length of time because of something going on with other children. I appreciate that with your first it can be a bit daunting but is there anyone else who could keep you company while he's away? Or go stay with someone? I think it'll be hard enough on his dc with the attention a new baby gets especially and you would realistically want your dh around when baby's born so that would be a ridiculously long time to go without seeing dc. What are your health concerns about dh? Is it the hours spent driving?

Elendon · 20/02/2017 10:27

Threads like this make me thank my stars that dh has had a vasectomy, the thought of some entitled madam demanding our kids miss out on him for WEEKS, is really heartbreaking to think about.

My exh had a vasectomy that was reversed in his 50s. Now the father of twins. Yet he still sees his teenage son regularly, and he is a six hour drive away - one way. don't know how he does it His partner has her parents at the house almost 24/7.

LagunaBubbles · 20/02/2017 10:28

Can you not empathise with someone you disagree with?

No I cant honestly think how it would feel to be selfish that I wanted my DH to stop seeing his own children, even just for a little while, sorry. Heavily pregnant or not is OP empathising with her DHs children?

ArcheryAnnie · 20/02/2017 10:33

I understand why you would want to see more of your OH at the moment, but nonetheless YABVVU.

You would be setting up a world of trouble for the future. Your OH's two existing DCs would almost certainly view this as them being utterly displaced by your coming child, and would resent both you and your baby for it. (And they'd be right to, as this is what you would be doing.)

You and your OH will have to find a way to incorporate all your OH's children into his schedule, not just yours.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/02/2017 10:37

A further point, bhappy55 - you want your OH to be a good father, don't you, since you are having a child together? Because by pressuring him to abandon his existing DC, you are pressuring him to become a bad father. This is not something you want to do, believe me.

PortiaFinis · 20/02/2017 10:40

I agree with you Humphrey. I don't really see why everyone piles on with various witty ways of making the OP realise how very shit she is.

I thought there was one helpful post when someone suggested mid week days off or something like that but by and large people have just been kicking OP incessantly.

Elendon · 20/02/2017 10:48

No one is suggesting that the OP is being very shit.

What people are suggesting is that she recognise that her husband has other children that he should be a decent father to, and is being. I'm supporting the husband in this. He is actually being a decent dad to all of his children. She should be thanking her lucky stars that she has a decent man who recognises he is a father to all his children.

AlwaysNeedTea · 20/02/2017 10:52

I know it has been said but you are clearly being VERY unreasonable. You knew you were having a baby with someone who already has children, you can't expect him to drop them. You're not the fort person in the world to be pregnant so get over yourself.

I have a DD who is 10 and she spends weekends with her dad, am I meant to stop seeing her in the week in case my baby with my OH is born whilst she is with me?!

user1486915549 · 20/02/2017 10:54

OP. You have had a rough ride on here but hopefully it has made you have a rethink.
I would have some questions for my OH . Can your SC come to your house sometimes. If not why not ? Where does OH stay alternate weekends ?
Does he want his children to meet their new half sister / brother ?
Have you made any attempts to integrate SC into your family ?
The whole situation sounds very odd.

Car95 · 20/02/2017 10:56

My XH's subsequent children have fuck all relevance to my life.

Luckily my dh's ex has a more mature attitude than you. One of "latest sprogs" is friends with her "latest sprog" (< someone else's lovely words to describe a child), so her youngest has some relevance to our lives as does our child to her.
We could have just been really bitter and made the whole thing awkward for the children.

Even if they weren't friends and didn't know each other, their subsequent children do have some relevance because they are their joint child's siblings. These children cause contact schedules to change eg when it's a birthday or the child may want they younger siblings photos on their bedroom wall, and their parent should be nothing but positive about that.

PortiaFinis · 20/02/2017 10:57

OP had been called stupid, a princess, and the idea of her husband reading baby books with her mocked. With comments like "Well aren't you a special little snowflake"

It has not all be well-measured responses.

minipie · 20/02/2017 10:58

Oh dear OP you are getting a hard time!

FWIW I do understand your need to "nest" with your DH. Very normal feeling especially with first pregnancy. And you're probably going to feel the same once the baby is born.

If you want to increase your time with your DH then you need to look at other ways to adjust your life. Can you have his other DCs to stay more? Can he reduce his working hours (even if that means less money/you going back to work earlier etc)? Can you move so he reduces his commute or journey to see other DCs?

Good luck - blended families are tricky.

Dollygirl27 · 20/02/2017 11:02

OP please don't ask DH to stop seeing his kids because the new baby will be along in a few short weeks. Many years ago I was that kid and to be honest my relationship with my df and dsm was never the same. It started after my half sister was born contact started to be cut back until we saw him a few times a year (he lived a 45 minute drive away). As I became a teenager I became more interested in doing my own thing and it wasn't until my 20's we started to rebuild a proper relationship. I love my dad and always have but couldn't stand my sm for a long time because she didn't like me being around and I knew it. Kids even young ones know when they're not wanted around and it will have an impact. Include his existing kids as much as you can they will be excited but apprehensive about the new arrival as well x

Bantanddec · 20/02/2017 11:03

No one can think this is acceptable this must be a wind up

ParisGellar · 20/02/2017 11:03

This is one of the most outlandish and unreasonable demands I've read on this website. Surely a reverse?

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