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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486334704 · 21/02/2017 06:58

Lotbyname - Id definitely agree if she hadn't already proven herself on multiple occasions to be really insensitive with her comments (not just one off's) - she has proven empathy isn't high on her agenda. Plus when I have suffered m/c or failures she has asked all about it. As I've said in earlier posts, it's almost like she doesn't want us to be happy now we have got what we so longed for.

OP posts:

LubiLooLoo · 21/02/2017 07:37

This strikes me as a bad case of what I call womb gossip. For example:

My friend had twins and she gets asked if she had ivf all the time but both friends and strangers.

People are always asking me when I'm having the next baby, and before I had the baby, why I hadn't had children yet.

I've been asked how many stiches I had in my fanny post birth, to which I invited them to count, but they didn't seem interested...

People strangely seem to love knowing about our miss-functioning wombs. Anything that's not considered 'normal' is cause for curiosity. Now, as far as they are concerned, your uterus is being normal and boring...

Just wait post birth, I bet they'll want to know alllllll about your experience. And the cute little bundle of joy will sweeten the deal.

Give them space, I'm sure they'll come around. And if it's any comfort, I can't stand one of my DS's god parents and it doesn't much effect my life. ;)

user1481559154 · 21/02/2017 07:38

People not being on it with regards asking after scans etc is disappointing but I guess to a point it could be explained away with people not wanting to raise it in case there were issues or just being caight up in there own lives etc however her comments regarding your inability to conceive naturally and those miscarriage comments are so hurtful and not the sayings if a true friend. She's had her family two children, most women would give anything for that but it's your time now not hers and if she says anything like that again I agree you need to let her know she's out of line. You are not being oversensitive in my opinion. As I said before concentrate on the people around you you can rely on. You don't need this kind of stress in your much longed for pregnancy, enjoy it, happy mummy happy baby remember x

altiara · 21/02/2017 08:09

Strange one OP! Her comments definitely are unacceptable about MC etc even if she didn't know what to say but if she's the one asking then that's different. It's not like you suddenly told her and she didn't know what to say. Most people can empathise how awful that is without having been through it.
Definitely think she doesn't want the status who to change otherwise she wouldn't be changing behaviour to include big nights out - giving herself opportunity to criticise you for feeling perfectly normal during pregnancy i.e. shit (I thought I had a terminal illness I was so tired).
TBH, it's hard to see how or why she's such a good friend with these digs. Really, who wants to know how fertile she is, who would even say that in front of you! It's not a competition and you are supposed to be friends.
I agree with fading her out but with the regular texting and the over investment when things arent going well it's just odd. How can you keep such a high level of contact up without asking about your pregnancy, that isn't normal for a friend. No it doesn't have to be every text. And why go from wanting every detail to nothing.
As for your aibu - no you are not.

slinkysaluki · 21/02/2017 08:17

She's jealous of you OP. I'd leave the ball in their court. No excuse for being so nasty I don't understand people, they are supposed to be your good friends. I lost a long standing friend I'd known since childhood when I had my first child because of her jealousy. That was 18 years ago. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

BusyMummy55 · 21/02/2017 10:46

Congratulations on your pregnancy! x
I haven't read all the comments and I am not sure if it has been mentioned already, but what about you mentioning to your friends that you really need their reassurance now as so far it is going well, but your past experience still makes you nervous... I am hoping that wouldn't bring up any more nasty comments from them, but if it does then you definitely will know, where you stand

CEOD · 21/02/2017 13:16

Haven't read whole thread but maybe they don't want to mention pregnancy because they are worried something might have gone wrong? Like, don't want to bring it up in case you've had another miscarriage or something?

Or maybe she's hurt because you didn't tell her straight away? I would just bring it out into the open - ask her if she is annoyed or upset about something.

CEOD · 21/02/2017 13:18

I would choose different God-parents though!

mouldycheesefan · 21/02/2017 13:24

Why on earth did you ask them to be godparents, they sound dreadful people!
Unless you are religious there is no need to have godparents, I wouldn't bother just let the matter die. Godparents are just a religious commitment. You make a will with guardianship arrangements in, in case of your deaths, and I wouldn't choose these two for that! This guardianship is the commitment to look after your children in the sad event that you died before they were grown up. Think carefully who you choose.

kazmina10 · 21/02/2017 17:35

Maybe they don't want to be godparents after all, and are a bit scared to say so?

Original poster

user1486334704 · 21/02/2017 18:30

.... But they asked to be godparents(?) plus if that were the case I'd have hoped there would have been better ways to have managed the situation rather than behaving as they are 😪

OP posts:

House4 · 21/02/2017 19:00

Congrats - you must be thrilled. This is your time - enjoy it and brush off any negativity.
Did you say she is going through the menopause? Even if she isn't I think there is some jealousy there. She has had her children and maybe realised she cannot have any more babies, which has upset her, understandably. If she is in this situation it's really hard to be happy for someone else.
Also they may be upset as a baby means you all won't be socialising as much or the way they want!

There isn't much you can say to them without causing yourself stress but put yourself first - before the friendship. If you're tired - don't go out, if your excited - shout it from the rooftops - be selfish - you're hormonal so this is the best time to get away with it ;)

House4 · 21/02/2017 19:06

As for the Godparent question... don't mention it again! If they say anything reply with 'everyone has started asking to be godparents!' with a laugh. Tell them it'll be a competition to who shows the most interest with the baby! Time will tell once the baby is born. And it should be a def NO if you are both not happy with the decision.

Benedikte2 · 21/02/2017 20:50

You can have as many godparents as you like -- just an English tradition to have 3 and the Royal family always seems to choose many. So when the happy time comes choose all those who have shown a genuine interest in the DB's welfare.
I think your analysis is correct and your female friend likes to be the centre of attention plus it seems she has a very negative view of menopause and so is not happy with herself and is taking it out on others. However with the passing of time her view may change. BTW I think it is part of the human condition for any nurturing woman to feel covertous of a new baby at some stage in her life. I'm well past childbearing and caring but can be heard to sigh heavily on occasion.
May you and your DH have much joy OP

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2017 20:56

They sound awful tbh, the miscarriage comments, the fact your going to be a taxi in the summer for them as you can't drink, that she conceives babies naturally, rubbing yiur face in it. Do they have any redeeming features? They woukd certainly not be godparents to the baby, I doubt they will be very interested. They don't sound like nice friends either!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2017 20:59

Asking to be godparent is really rude, it's an honour given to you by the parent, not one that you are entitled to.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2017 21:00

I woukd never ask even my most closest friends if I coukd be godmother, yiu just don't do that!

Foxysoxy01 · 21/02/2017 21:09

They sound insensitive with their comments, a bit emotionally dense.

I would imagine they don't want to show excess excitement or talk about your pregnancy at all for fear of something going wrong. It would be beyond awful if they were all excited and making a big deal of your pregnancy then if something went wrong not only would they and you feel awful but you would probably never be able to get the friendship back.

I would give it some time and as you progress I reckon they will get more vocal and excited about your baby.

Anyway, congrats on your pregnancy

mouldycheesefan · 21/02/2017 22:30

As I said upthread, guardianship is a much more important issue than godparents which only has a religious role. If you want them to support your children in their journey through the church then great, perhaps they are very religious. If not, choose someone's else who can fulfil that religious role. But it is purely a religious role and nothing else. If they aren't religious they would be a very strange choice regardless of their behaviour.
Just don't mention christenings and godparents and let the matter die.

By the way, When they asked to be godparents did you say yes?

Daisies123 · 22/02/2017 09:17

No need to mention Godparents at all- you won't be organising the Christening until the baby is here so no need to worry about it.

Whatever her motivation for acting weird- spend time now with supportive friends. Life changes are when you find out who your true friends are.
We had DD baptised at seven months, and decided on Godparents at three months. As I'm Christian I wanted friends who I knew would commit to praying for DD regularly and support her spiritual development. One friend, who had been my bridesmaid, wasn't chosen as she started acting weird after our wedding and by the time I was pregnant several years later had made herself a non-friend with crazy demands and lack of understanding that my life had changed (hers hadn't, which I think was the problem).

So, good luck with the pregnancy and when the time comes to organise a Christening choose Godparents who you know will support your child in what you want from the role (depending on whether you're religious or not).

Mrseds · 22/02/2017 11:07

It sounds like they wanted to know the in's and outs of the ivf as it is new to them. I'm currently pregnant on my second IUI baby and always get asked what it intails, as it's not the norm. You will find that now you are pregnant some people don't want to know, and people can be quite insensitive as they don't know what to say or how to act around the infertility issue. At least you have some time before baby is here to decide what to do about them. Congratulations on your pregnancy x x

Spadequeen · 23/02/2017 06:44

Just because they asked to be God parents doesn't mean you have to ask them.

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