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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
SorrelSoup · 19/02/2017 06:54

Is that like a foul weather friend? They like you when you're down and they get to feel powerful. Or they're jealous and not that happy themselves?

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:57

Sorrel I know what you mean and desperately don't want to think that. They were always enquiring when things were in the doldrums. Now- nothing. And that's the issue. My ten week scan was a big psychological barrier for me (as that was the point I lost before). They didn't even ask how it went (they knew when it was and what it meant) and just texted the day after to 'joke' that we were missing a big social event cos 'xxxx can't drink' . I don't get it.

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MojhitoSparkle · 19/02/2017 07:01

Have you considered that they might be finding your pregnancy difficult due to a recent miscarriage or abortion or in their life? People don't always tell you when things like that happen but I can see it may be difficult for them to be outwardly happy for a friend if they are privately going through something like this,

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:04

Just clarifying another post - if I'm honest we spend 70% of our social time together talking about their issues - certainly not ours. The lady half of the couple is very confident and quite commanding - we talk about her and her life 50% of the time. And even though I really do like her she is one of those people where what she believes is cast in stone - the type to look at you like your crazy and actually says 'you what?' if something is discussed which she doesn't like or agree with. Harsh but it's very apparent.

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Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:06

Sparkle - we are very close -
Her DH had the snip ten years ago.
It could be something to do with menopause as mentioned earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:08

The only thing DH and I have surmised that it could be is the fact that our friendship 'dynamic' is about to change for a short time - no more parties and nights out for the time being - we socialised with them a lot in this way

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Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 07:09

Very insensitive. Protect yourself. I made friendships from my NCT group and from nursery. Just remember that if you are putting your energy into people, with whom the friendship has run it's course, you are not allowing space for new ones to flourish. Time will tell if this friendship is dead. Maybe they're in denial that your friendship will change once the baby is born. Maybe they've been pushed out when friends have had kids so are protecting themselves. Maybe they're arses or foul weather friends.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:11

Dragon - thankyou. We don't want to lose them but friendship shouldn't be a battle and I'm harbouring a lot of (whether it's justified or not) resentment the longer this continues 😕

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GinIsIn · 19/02/2017 07:12

The miscarriage comments aren't very sensitive, no, but I do think you need to manage your expectations of others - it's been a long journey to this point for you, but it is your journey and what is important to you on it will barely register for most people.

At 12 weeks most people haven't even told others they are pregnant, let alone expect them to mark every one of the appointments and milestones in that timeframe. You are only 12 weeks in. There's another 30 to go. In the time you will have countless tests, appointments and markers that to be very honest are interesting to nobody but you, so I don't think it's fair to be angry at anyone else for not making a fuss of them.

First scan photo, finding out the gender, and you going into labour are all things you can expect others to be interested in. Your trisomy results, blood pressure tests and urine dips - not so much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Flowers

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:17

Thanks Fenella 😊

As i said earlier in the thread -
This is boring to most people which I totally accept. But they didn't even ask about (let alone see) my first scan(s).
They knew the first ten weeks was my physical and psychological barrier and didn't acknowledge it.
I'm no way 'princessy' enough to think anyone except my DH and my Mum to be interested in routine tests -
But they have gone from asking everything to literally nothing - it's exceptionally strange and quite upsetting.
I haven't taken the m/c comments personally, I'm used to them now x

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lborgia · 19/02/2017 07:18

YOu've mentioned lots of issues that would make me think that it is absolutely the case - that She's fine when she has the upper hand, can be the helper, but is NOThappy with you now having joyful news.

You have changed the dynamic and she doesn't like it one little bit. Also, as someone who is beginning menopause too, I know several women who are seething/distraught that it reflects on their fertility, virility (what's the female version of virility? Is there one?), and she may be acutely aware of your fecund state and her "dried up husk" state (my expression, not what I think of others!)...

This makes perfect sense to me, but that doesn't stop it being unacceptable and very miserable for you. Much as it's painful, I think you're right to step back. You need to find every moment of pleasure in this experience as it's been a long time coming and it may take some effort to not fret even now. You don't need her/them being prize bitch at a time like this - if ever.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:18

... and they knew we would get gender Result this week and haven't asked about that either 😕

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Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 07:18

I've lost dozens of friends. It hurts. I'd really recommend the nct groups where you do a course together. We met twice weekly for years after the birth. Without this I'd have been completely isolated. I was new to the area.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:21

Iborgia - sorry your dried up husk comment has cheered me up! Thanks for your comments. The more I think about it - this could be the issue. Just a few weeks ago (after she had a few glasses of wine admittedly) she got all stroppy and insistent she could 'have a baby right now' if she wanted to (she's 48). Her DH pointed out that he's had the snip and she still got shouty and adamant she could 'have one naturally'. (I'm not delicate enough to get fazed by those 'natural' digs anymore).
It was all precipitated by her and quite awkward

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Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:24

Dragon - I'm looking forward to this 'new chapter' of friends - just had hoped my existing ones would stay around!

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KoolKoala07 · 19/02/2017 07:25

Maybe she's jealous. Maybe she'd like more children but because she's going through the menopause it's unlikely to happen. Maybe she can't bare the thought of you showing your new baby off. I'd make sure I'd show that baby off as much as I can when he/she arrives. Smile

emmyrose2000 · 19/02/2017 07:27

The miscarriage comments are disgusting and unforgivable. I think you're being too generous OP, in trying to pass these off as being 'thoughtless'. One comment, maybe. But not multiple.

If anyone had said to me during my fertility battle that maybe some people just aren't made to have children I'd have cut them dead out of my life on the spot.

I'd drop this so-called 'friendship' off. There's no way I'd have them as godparents of my child. If she/they mention it again I'd say "maybe some people just aren't made to be godparents".

They (or at least she) sound like the type of people who enjoy being the superior ones in the relationship. When you were trying to conceive it was easy to offer sympathy etc as they already had children and could feel 'superior' to you (bad choice of word, but nothing else springs to mind right now. No one should feel superior/inferior about their ability to have a child). But now you've "caught up", so to speak, they have nothing to lord it over you with. I hope that makes sense!

I'd no longer initiate contact, would takes days to respond to texts etc, if at all, and move on from these awful people.

I hope you have a very boring and stress free pregnancy! :)

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:33

Koala / EmmyRose thankyou for making me not feel bad.
I've not been on MN for long but it's terrifying knowing you can be 'blasted' for being too sensitive. I've reflected a lot this morning and when I gather it all up - you're right. I have let a lot slide and ignored a lot - on the premise that I believe I'm being over sensitive. It's good to actually reflect and realise I'm not.
I'm quiet but I'm a tough person emotionally - I've had to be - so in terms of this friendship I think you're right. Thanks

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Phineyj · 19/02/2017 07:35

These are not true friends and I think you will regret it if you continue asking them to be godparents. I agree with other posters - she's lost interest now you're no longer "tragic".

Congrats! We had our DD in similar circs and it makes it all the sweeter if you have struggled.

Booboostwo · 19/02/2017 07:39

The mc comments are awful. If they had made one of these type of comments it may have been excusable as a moment of stupid insensitivity or foot in mouth disease, but all of them together reveal them to be uncaring people, incapable of basic empathy.

The lack of engagement with your pregnancy and tests might have been excusable on its own, e.g. I am weary of asking about test results just in case they were worrying and my friend doesn't want to talk about them, but couple with the mc results these people are not friends.

Drop them.

Booboostwo · 19/02/2017 07:39

Mc results =mc comments
Sorry!

NotYoda · 19/02/2017 07:41

I am going to put an alternative view because I think it's pretty shocking that you'd find enjoyment in the idea of anyone being 'a dried husk'. Do you know anything about how it feels to approach menopause or to parent teenagers?

Maybe they have stuff going on in their lives that you know nothing about. I have not heard anything from you about any support you may have given them in the past

I'd say that you've already stepped away from them and I understand why. The miscarriage comments were very very insensitive (possibly cruel). You are not in the same place with them anymore.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 19/02/2017 07:41

Congratulations - how exciting for you and your DH. I hope all your further tests go well.

As for friends - it's a strange one but as PP have said, seems like she won't like the fact the attention will now be on you and that your friendship dynamic will change.
Also, they have older children which means they have been through the sleepless nights, routines, everything revolving round this little person for a while, and so don't fancy being part of that. Which IMO is a bit mean not to be there to support you through it all, especially given their experience.
However, as you've said, for some people they just aren't interested in other people's babies.
I think you will just need to see this one out and don't keep updating, maybe if you are strong enough, if it does come up in conversation why you haven't told them about XYZ then be honest with them.
Once baby arrives, you will be in such a bubble that these things won't bother you too much anymore and they will either come through and be great friends again or you lose them.
Your friendship circles will change anyway given how you will have a new baby and you will usually make new friends at groups and such like so it may just fade away naturally over time.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:42

Phiney & Booboos - thanks for your honesty and support.
We're stepping away 😕 The nasty comments come from the lady half whilst her DH rolls his eyes - but there have been a lot, sadly

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archersfan22 · 19/02/2017 07:45

Maybe she's finding the teenage stage very difficult and is jealous of you about to do the baby bit that she perhaps looks back on fondly?
Or there is something she's not telling you eg marriage in trouble?
Or she's just insensitive and not interested if you can't party so much.