Godparents... AIBU?

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Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

Actually having read back, have her dc both recently left home? Does she have empty nest syndrome just when you are going to have a full one? It doesn't justify her behaviour. A good friend would be more self aware and if she wanted to be a bitch due to her own issues, would do it in private at least not do it to your face. I wouldn't have them as godparents.

At first my gut reaction was maybe they don't want to ask so early on in case it's bad news and they don't want to hurt you by having to tell the answer

Not sure how to respond about the insensitive comments though

If they are your best friends could you just ask them outright - you might be assuming one thing and they another

Also,you don't need any stress or worry right now,you need to consentrate on keeping healthy and well...they are distracting you from that...possibility on purpose to make sure they are centre of attention and yr worried and stressed about them,so she has the upper hand...I don't know ,I just know in life I try to limit my time with people who bring me down..

Hello again user
Yes I do think it is sometimes do with lifestyle changes (although he is now married with 3 SS and a baby on the way, and things still aren't any better). I think that unfortunately for us the damage it too far gone!!

Congratulations OP. Our DS was born after IVF and is now a beautiful pudgy 6 month old. I still have to pinch myself sometimes when I think about how he was created in a lab. I think that the 12 weeks leading up to that important scan were truly the longest of my life and I think what makes it harder for those of us with infertility issues is that it's not a simple case of "oh well, you can try again" if something has gone wrong.

It does indeed sound like your friend is jealous and the fact that you are already at the stage of describing her comments as "nasty" suggests that you should ditch the idea of having them as godparents.

In fact, do you really need godparents at all? Unless you are strongly religious and want them to take the traditional role of educating the child in a Christian way, I personally feel that the godparent thing is not essential. (Am not talking here about deciding who would raise your child should something awful happen to you, that's a legal matter). We don't have any godparents for our DS, not because there was a shortage of suitable candidates but because we couldn't really get our heads round what they were meant to be doing and whether it was reasonable to ask someone to make such a long term commitment. When you are planning a baby for so long you have a lot of time to think about stuff and perhaps choosing godparents in advance was more of a theoretical thing based on stuff that people having babies do, rather than a true need on your part? I am just saying this as the fact that there 2 are your chosen godparents seems to be making this loss of interest more acute for you, so maybe if you drop the godparent idea altogether it will ease the impact a bit?

Very very best of luck with your pregnancy. I found that I managed to relax into mine around about 20 weeks or so, and it is a glorious feeling when you've tried so hard to get there.

Carabos - it sounds like this woman has a real hang up. That must be very stressful to be around her and I say that as someone, who's been through it! My ivf dd is 8. Sometimes I tell people she's ivf sometimes not. If someone says their oh only had to look in their direction and they were pregnant, it gives pangs but that's their reality and I'm sure not easy to deal with for them either. So I don't let it bother me too much. I didn't appreciate a former friend telling us she'd had 3 abortions. Tbf she didn't I know we'd be ttc for a while. The first 2 abortions were with a former long term partner so 3rd abortion with her dh post marriage and then she went on to have 2 kids. TBH that conversation hurt. But I didn't say anything.

I don't think you should have to censor your every word around people. But there are limits and talking about multiple abortions is mine.

.... her children are at Uni but live at home - she has a great family life.

Re not asking in case bad news - for every other cycle which has ended in m/c or loss she has asked continually - which is why it's so odd that for the first time there's good news forthcoming and it's not acknowledged 😕

Jessie - thanks for the support and I can't wait to get to the 20 week mark - each day is like a victory isn't it. Congrats on your baby 😊

We are religious - not deeply but I'm raised Catholic and we both like the idea of godparents but maybe not the ones we had hoped for now. The actual irony is they ASKED to be godparents when we first started on the ivf bandwagon - something that makes this situation even harder to swallow!

Without doubt she's jealous of you. The strange comments about her being able to have a baby right now are a give-away. I think if she can't bring herself to be happy for you after all you've been through she really isn't much of a friend. I think her lack of questions about how everything is going for you point to jealousy too. It's completely normal for a good friend to send a quick "Hope the scan goes well/how did it go?" text.
I think you're right to back off slowly without a big scene. Friends come and go in our lives and I've had friends who were close at different times, but less so when our circumstances changed and the main reason for our friendship was no longer there (e.g. nights out not happening so much after having children). This has happened both ways. Some friendships survive the changes and some never do.
I also find that the older I get I see friendships a bit differently and that it's great to have all sorts of different people in our lives and that the most important thing is kindness.
Your friend isn't being kind at all. Whatever the reason, you don't need her in your life at the moment. Maybe at some point it will change, but for now gather kind people around you, not people who don't seem interested and think it's ok to make horrible little comments at your expense.
Good luck with your pregnancy, it's an exciting time

Dragon- understand your sentiment. Everyone has a tipping point. Mine is the (whilst tipping head to side) 'you may have to accept a childless life'. Like the fact they don't suffer infertility makes them a fertility expert! I'll leave statements like that to my fertility specialist thankyou!

Thanks Rain - and you make the point which is upsetting me so much - all it takes is a quick text. I don't expect them to keep my pregnancy calendar to hand! But friends who I wouldn't consider 'as close' have been overwhelmingly supportive on the important bits.

Pulling it all together - I couldn't initially fathom that a nearly 50 year old with two children could be jealous - she's been there - but more I read on here I'm coming round to that possibility

It's sad she's jealous. It really shouldn't be all about her. You never know whats going on though. Perhaps she desperately wanted more kids and her dh got the snip. However it doesn't mean you should have to put up With this behaviour even if this supposition were true.

Oh God if she's going through the menopause, her self esteem is probably on the floor and hormones through the roof. Imagine if, when you had just realised you needed fertility treatment etc someone close to you got pregnant and expected you to fuss over them and ask about every scan and blood test? That would be pretty heartbreaking wouldn't it?

You also have to realise that you're pregnant now, obviously you're anxious about your pregnancy but all pregnant women are no matter how they conceived. They're leaving you to it because pregnancy is something you have to go through on your own. And the farther along you get the less interested people are in supporting you (but they do get more excited about shopping with you and telling you horrible birth stories )

Anyway congratulations on your pregnancy and leave your friend to it. No point stressing over her when you've got a beautiful little baby in your tummy to look after

You said earlier OP, that she was supportive whilst you were miserable, but isn't there now you are happy. Have you thought that it could be that she feels support isn't needed now you are pregnant and happy, and that whilst she may noting your milestones, her support isn't needed, as everything is OK? Perhaps she and her dh are leaving your and your dh alone so as not to intrude, as they can remember what the pregnancy bubble was like?

I think ascribing jealousy to her is a tad mean, I am slightly older than her with my dc at uni, and there is no way I would want to do all that again. I would however, have backed off and left you and your dh alone, so as not to get in the way, and so that you could enjoy this time.

Congratulations and good luck by the way!

Thanks everyone -
I'm stepping back awhile and seeing what she does. For someone who was so very caring and involved (if thoughtless with her mouth on occasion) to have such a turnaround - its odd.

It's also really relevant that they aren't 'leaving us alone' - their contact is just as regular but markedly no mention ever of pregnancy. So whilst other friends have 'stepped back' to allow us our pregnancy bubble - they haven't. But they don't mention the pregnancy!

Congrats first of all, and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.
I think I would just try not to give them any head space, or as little as possible.
Enjoy the pregnancy, and value those who are being supportive towards you.

Don't fret at this point about godparents; make the decision when the time comes. Back away a little, maybe, so that you're not hearing unhelpful comments. Who knows, the friendship may have drifted completely by the time you are choosing godparents.

Take care of yourself.

*probably should have made it clearer - I don't KNOW she is going through the menopause she says she isn't but her periods are all over the place / Stopping and she is suffering with hot flashes/tiredness etc. Her husband says she is but she is adamant she isn't. It's not my place to have a medical opinion I've just told her I'm there for her if she needs me or just needs a good vent.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think you need to distance yourself and stop bothering about what they are or aren't doing or communicating. This is a very special time for you both and you need to concentrate on your happiness and well being. I would distance yourself. Let them come to you and not just on the basis of being a lift or doing them any favours.

There has been a subtle shifting in the roles in the relationship and your friend is not responding very well to this. Whilst she has been supportive in the past, it seems this is over. Forget about the godparents thing, it is just not important at the moment and they have no "rights" here no matter what may have been discussed in the past.

Whether this woman is going through menopause, is jealous, is simply not interested in pregnancy in general, or is always 'hands off' with support whenever anyone around her is pregnant, there is absolutely zero excuse for her nasty and cruel miscarriage and trying to conceive comments.

There isn't a single thing in the world that excuses telling someone dealing with infertility that they aren't cut out to be a mum/dad (to paraphrase).

Rachel - you're right it may not even be an issue by August if things don't improve 😪

Emmyrose - I totally agree. Think I've grown immune to comments like this though. Another helpful comment was 'you need to consider surrogacy now' after my first cycle failed... luckily I've learned to only listen to my clinic or other ivf patients 😊

Why the hell are you friends with these people after some of the shitty comments she has said? She sounds nasty as fuck.

ElsieMc - thanks and yes I need to stop worrying about upsetting people I suppose!

Donald - I keep telling myself that she isn't nasty she just hasn't got a filter. And I keep thinking she doesn't understand ivf/infertility/Mc etc. But the more I get back on here the more I am starting to realise that I may have given her too much leeway

I used to have a friend who was so supportive when things were going wrong but seemed to hate it when everything was going well. I no longer see her.

When dh and I got engaged, she was really anti marriage. When I got pregnant she did nothing but moan about her children and what a nightmare it all was. She was a very negative person, yet at one time she was one of my closest friends.

Don't miss her at all