Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:47

NotYoda - the 'dried husk' comment was tongue in cheek amusing said by the author in reference to her own situation! I have learned to be tough in the face of comments about being 'barren' so I hardly think finding humour in a turn of phrase is bad.

Support I have given them in the past is significant. Job losses, financial issues, cancer scare (happily not cancer) bereavement, teenage issues - a lot. And every step of the way DH were there with a 'how's things' text or 'thinking of you today's appointment' etc. This is the ONLY time we have ever been vulnerable or in need and it's not being reciprocated.

And - in true MN form you are the first poster to attack me. Thanks.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/02/2017 07:48

You might legitimately have found the miscarriage/giving up etc comments unforgivable. But you appear to have got past that.

To my mind, pregnancy is a weird hanging around limbo state. There's not much to really talk about because all you can hope for is that as far as you know everything is fine. I'd see what they're like when the baby has arrived. Their interest may well pick up again.

snowone · 19/02/2017 07:48

Hey OP - hope you are doing ok.
I'm afraid that unfortunately losing a few friends along the way becomes a bit of a side effect of pregnancy / moving on to the next stage of your lives.

My DH best friend (who was supposed to be our DD godfather) just literally fell off the face of the earth when I got pregnant. We hear off him maybe three or four times throughout the year now. My DH found this hard to begin with....but has accepted the changes now.

Try not to get too down about it!! Smile

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:49

Archers - should clarify her kids are nearly 20 and 18 - at Uni and both great kids (whom DH and I invest a lot of time in too).

The more i look at this the more I think it's to do with losing socialising friend/Prosecco buddy. Which is really unfortunate.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:50

Snowone- thanks for your comments. Was that to do with lifestyle change? This is what we're thinking

OP posts:
queenofshihtzus · 19/02/2017 07:53

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Could they be jealous? I had IVF and I was lucky enough to get pregnant. I noticed that, despite my difficulties to get pregnant, some friends who had been lovely during my struggles, really changed when I became pregnant - turned out it was jealousy. I can say that with perspective as ds was the result of my pregnancy and is now 12. I also have a dd aged 8 and, again, I noticed some changes in attitude when I was pregnant with her and also when she was a young baby. It was definitely jealousy and upsetting for me.

Sadly maybe they're not the friends you think they are? Enjoy your pregnancy, it's a special time, maybe let them go a bit? (The miscarriage comments are outrageous btw 😡)

NotYoda · 19/02/2017 07:55

I did not "attack" you. I commented on something you said. Disagreed with what I saw has a really insensitive comment, and asked a question in order to shed further light on the situation.

It's good to hear how supportive of them you've been.

Good luck with your pregnancy

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 07:58

Queen - so good to hear other ivf success stories. It's like 'one for the team' isn't it?

They were so supportive and interested (despite the m/c comments) when we were struggling. Now we're not they just don't acknowledge I'm pregnant. And if they have to (I had to turn down a planned 'outdoorsy' weekend away with them- I can't go canoeing or mountain biking) they reluctantly acknowledged it and commented on me being 'too careful' and 'you're pregnant not ill' (I'm fully aware of that but due to a number of factors I'm high risk).
They haven't lost any money on that btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:00

Yoda thanks for the clarity. It was the tone of your post but it doesn't matter. Thanks for the well wishes.

OP posts:
Amber76 · 19/02/2017 08:00

Concentrate on your little family. Don't overthink the Godparent thing - we didn't even ask our Godparents til a few weeks after birth. If at all possible i would ask family members as opposed to friends (but i know this often isn't possible).
Also if they are such good friends how about asking them if they are okay? That you haven't had a proper catch up in a while - ask outright. Maybe they have their own problems.

fc301 · 19/02/2017 08:03

I was going to be charitable and comment that everyone's got their own shitstorm going on, that maybe that had painful stuff going on that you didn't know about.
BUT having rtft I feel quite certain she has revealed her true self to you.
If you just take "some people just aren't meant to have children" &
"I can have a baby anytime I like"
What you see is someone who enjoys having the upper hand over you. She's massively self absorbed.
Back away (run for the hills).
It's up to you about godparents, you don't need to justify that decision to firmer drinking buddies.

fc301 · 19/02/2017 08:04

*former not firmer!

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:08

FC - this is what this morning has made me do - take stock of everything that's been said including stuff I've dismissed and ignored. And when joined up it's all pretty insensitive & self serving. I'm actually quite upset it's come to this.

Feels like they don't want us now we're 'happy' and will have lifestyle changes.

OP posts:
carabos · 19/02/2017 08:09

Sounds like the friendship has run its course tbh. You are at very different life stages now and it's always difficult to maintain relationships that are not built on shared experience. If you look at it dispassionately, you don't have anything in common anymore. You need to build friendships with people who are going through the same as you- not necessarily the infertility bit, but the pregnancy and birth bit.

FWIW, I have a gym mate who has a 7yr old DC conceived through IVF. She mentions her infertility problems, treatment etc in pretty much every conversation. She is hyper alert to any perceived insensitivity to her issues, even from people who don't know her very well and complains that people should guard their remarks in the context of babies and children generally. It is difficult to know how to respond tbh. Perhaps your friends are just stuck because they have little frame of reference and struggle to know how best to support you?

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:10

Amber - we haven't got extended family who are age appropriate or suitable for other reasons - perils of both DH and I being only children

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 19/02/2017 08:14

Congratulations OP.
As someone who has been pregnant 7 times only has two babies and has now been steralised due to complications I would also not be asking too much.

At 12 weeks you are still in the danger zone it might actually be they are focusing on you rather than your baby dream hoping to be supportive without focusing on baby.

My 19 week mc my mil said " its gods way." Nothing more.

In her own cack handed way that was comfort for her and she was trying to make me feel better.

As someone who doesnt believe in god and was devestated it was bery hard for me to hear at the time.

A few years on I realise she just didnt know what to say.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:14

Carabos - good points about shared experiences etc and now it's the case we're on different paths?

I've never been an IVF bore - I know too many! DH and I bore each other but we made a conscious decision a long time ago that we didn't want to be identified by it. The friends I talk about are our CLOSEST friends and we share everything - which is why this behaviour is markedly odd. For the last six months we purposely didn't bring ivf into convo unless they did (which they always did cos they cared and were interested). But now it's worked - the turnaround is insane!!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:16

Somerset I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

I understand that m/c is a difficult subject to broach.... which is why I'm not and haven't held my friends comments against her. People think they have to say something - and often it's the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 19/02/2017 08:24

So maybe they have realised you won't have much in common now yr having a baby..they are at a different stage in their Iives..menopause and teenagers,are a world away from a squishy new born...I expect she is feeling very jealous and broody herself and found it easier to support you when you were in the same boat as her..i.e. Not able to get pregnant.now you've turned the tables ,they didn't expect it,she's jealous and they fade away.....sadly friendships do sometimes run their course.ive learned if it ain't working let it go...you will make many friends on your journey as parents.you don't need negative people pulling you down x

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:24

Somerset - also for context, I've been pregnant 3 times before this, (two 'chemical' losses at 6w and then the m/c - determined to have NK cells so the risk is highest for me personally cos of my condition until 10 weeks) friends in question know this which is why getting through 1st tri is a massive step forward for us - but still nothing from them

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:25

Thanks SlimmingSnake. What you say is what the little niggle in my head is telling me...

OP posts:
fc301 · 19/02/2017 08:29

OP you sound lovely and I think you've been giving her the benefit of the doubt for far too long. Time to protect yourself now.
Just step back and let the relationship settle into 'we have drinks occasionally and chat' not 'they're my best friends'.
If they ever raise it (they won't) just act surprised and say how much your life is changing now.

MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 19/02/2017 08:30

She sounds horrible from what you've said. And jealous. She seemingly felt some kind of superiority for being able to get pregnant easily, and because you couldn't it made her feel good about herself. Now, you are pregnant and will have that new baby excitement and positive attention (I couldn't think of a good turn of phrase but hopefully this makes sense) and for her that phase of life is over. And I can empathise up to a point because it must be hard to go through menopause, but that doesn't excuse her being a cow to you.

Riversleep · 19/02/2017 08:36

To be honest, they don't sound like they were great friends before all this. They don't sound like they were supportive through your miscarriages and we're just loving the drama of the ivf thinking it wouldn't work. Now you are happy they haven't got their miserable struggling friends anymore.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 08:47

Thanks everyone. I always try to think the best of people - and ivf has taught me never to judge anyone for anything unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. Empathy and compassion goes a long way in friendships - as does being pleased for your friends when they are happy. I'm not getting much back from this friendship except angst and I thankyou all sincerely for your thoughts and help 😘

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread