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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 19/02/2017 10:11

If they have spent a fair amount of time being heavily invested in your struggles to get pregnant, perhaps now that you are, they are just pleased for you and just need a break from talking about it all the time. As you say, this is really important to you, scans etc....But perhaps they now think they can relax a bit in being so over invested? Don't mean that in a horrible way, but people can get fed up after a while, and perhaps they have got their own problems.

Mumzypopz · 19/02/2017 10:16

User1486....You say you aren't getting much back from the relationship...But from what you said originally, I got the impression they had been very supportive originally, it's just at the moment they aren't being over enthusiast. Perhaps you have just gotten used to having them fuss around you etc...do you know whether they have ever had issues? They might have had pregnancy issues that they just haven't told you about? People deal with things differently, perhaps they are trying to encourage you to stop worrying and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! .Congrats on the pregnancy by the way.

scaryteacher · 19/02/2017 10:22

OP They may not mention the pregnancy now it has happened because they assume everything will trolley along as it did for them when she was pregnant. It's a fine line between being over invested, nosy or being supportive, and she may not know where to pitch it without treading on your toes.

I also think texting is a weird medium, as I don't always know when a text warrants a reply; then there's the issue of my phone being charged, or my knowing where the damn thing is. I prefer to speak to people and am welded to my landline.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:32

I really hope some of you on here are right and in their own way they are retreating as it's going ok. But. Their level of 'retreat' is profound. And I mean so much so that other mutual friends have noticed it.

Re pregnancy issues for them - discussed at length and they have never had fertility issues - friend prides herself that she got pregnant both times without even trying. Some 'sensitive' types would take issue in that being repeated to me umpteen times - as I have said ive let a lot go over my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:33

Spadequeen - thanks for your honesty and it's making me think a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:38

Scaryteacher - unfortunately friend is welded to her phone and to Facebook. She is an avid texter and has always been heavily involved - she still is! Example being my Dad has recently been successfully treated for cancer. She was texting and calling regularly to ask how his appointments went, how he was etc. Which is lovely and is why i value her friendship ( I was also very supportive to her through illness and bereavement). But it's odd that she'll ask/comment/reassure about my dad's cancer but won't acknowledge our pregnancy.

I sound like a parrot (I'm sorry!) but the marked difference in her behaviour is plain weird.

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 19/02/2017 10:40

Only read part of the thread but you are totally misunderstanding what godparents are for.

ohtheholidays · 19/02/2017 10:42

She sounds horrible.

Honestly I would'nt want anyone with her kind of mouth and attitude any where near any of my DC let alone have them as a Godparent!

Honestly OP I wouldn't bother contacting them any more and I'd just let the friendship fizzle out.

You and your DH have gone through alot to get to this stage and you deserve to enjoy it,get rid of negative Nelly and enjoy your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:43

HeCantBeSerious - sorry but I don't think I have articulated what I believe the purpose of godparents are in this thread(?)

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:44

Ohtheholidays - it's really sad because she can be absolutely lovely. She doesn't have a filter and isn't very empathetic but she has been a good friend. But the 'negative nelly' (well put!) is becoming a real noticable issue now x

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 19/02/2017 10:45

Godparents are there to help your child (not yet here) with their religious faith (which they don't yet have). You haven't attributed any of that as far as I can see.

AnneOfCleavage · 19/02/2017 10:48

I have read the whole thread now but early on I immediately thought "she's jealous" which has been confirmed through finishing reading all updated posts SadYou have changed the status quo in your friendship and that's why she's behaving the way she is. If you'd have got pregnant a few years back she may have been fine but now she has uni aged children and you can't be her go to drink buddy, coupled with the fact she is starting menopause yet you are pregnant just brings the divide in your friendship wider in her book. She is toxic I'm afraid. Anyone not happy for someone else's happy news is a shit friend and a joy sucker.
I would retract quite a bit from this friendship and see how it goes and if you're up for it tell her how her attitude has affected you and that you've noted every insensitive barbed comment she's made.
I have let go of toxic dream crusher friends and although upsetting at the time was liberating in the long run as found time for new friends who I made along the way. You'll make friends at NCT classes etc & may find friends more in your stage of life.
Are your friends Catholic? They won't be allowed to be godparents I suspect if they aren't!
Good luck with your scans and congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:48

HeCantBeSerious - why the aggressive post? I haven't commented on the role of the godparent. I am well versed on the role of godparents being fortunate enough to have two who have always provided me with love, support, moral and spiritual guidance which is all I would wish for our child from their godparents in the future.

OP posts:
Nessie71 · 19/02/2017 10:49

Take a step back and enjoy your pregnancy...you dont need the stress..see how they are once baby is here if still not botherd ask someone else to be godparents .

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:51

Thanks Ann - you make some very pragmatic and clear points which I appreciate.
I think part of this is my own upset/disappointment about what is happening - and I don't want to lose their friendship but nor do I wish to be trampled on.
Friends are also RC although not practicing.

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 19/02/2017 10:53

Rachel - you're right it may not even be an issue by August if things don't improve.

Ah, sorry, didn't mean to make you sad. Sad
It may well have resolved itself - maybe you will have become close again, who knows. Smile

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 10:53

Thanks Nessie/Rachel - taking a huge step back and seeing what happens... ball in their court.

OP posts:
Pinbasket · 19/02/2017 11:57

Just a thought, but maybe their retreat has nothing to do with their friendship with you- maybe they are battling with a problem of their own (health, illness, mental health, relationship who knows what?) Have you asked them directly how they are?
I wonder whether either of their daughter's may have miscarried recently or had a termination? As I say, just a thought...

FlaviaAlbia · 19/02/2017 12:12

The comments you list go beyond tactless. They're unkind.

I'm glad you've decided to take a step back. They sound like the kind of people who like having friends in need so they can feel better about themselves. Now you won't be "poor X, I do so much to support her".

How does she speak about other people to you?

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 13:01

Pinbasket - they are happy and healthy as can be - even down to a minor thing as one of them having a nasty bout of flu over Xmas and we did the 'friend' thing (i.e. How are you/do you need anything/ prescription picking up etc)

Neither of their kids are in relationships (i know that doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy not an issue) but both are happy healthy and successful.

They are the type to share everything and always have done - if they are keeping something back it may explain the odd behaviour but it certainly doesn't appear or suggest that's the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 13:04

Flavia - I agree some of them are unkind - even her husband will try and pipe her down sometimes.

I don't know what she says to others, all I do know is (and I don't want to sound unkind it's just true) is that she 'always knows best' and it's 'her way or the highway'. Rather than just accepting that people have different opinions or do things in different ways - it's always accusatory and 'why on earth would X do Y' etc.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/02/2017 13:12

When I read your OP I thought maybe that they had their fingers so tightly crossed for you that they were afraid to ask anything in case it was bad news. The more I read though, the nastier they sound. I suggest you enjoy your pregnancy and find some nicer Godparents.

8misskitty8 · 19/02/2017 13:35

Congratulations on the pregnancy op.

In your opening post you state that they are 'good living people' Sorry but they are not, especially the woman.
I'd drop them and get other people to be godparents. If she is being like this while you were trying for a baby then I can just imagine the comments once your baby has been born. There will be remarks about your parenting and how their children walked before yours, talked before your etc.
You don't need someone like this in your life.x

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 13:42

Barbarian & Miss Kitty - thanks. I have realised from the feedback on here that I'm doing the right thing x

OP posts:
Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 13:46

My reading on it is that they are struggling with infertility themselves and/or coming thro the menopause

When people behave oddly it's usually more about them than you

Carry on with your pregnancy and find new pregnant friends to hang out with - poss that's what they are fearing too - that you won't be able to do the things together when your child is born.