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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:

Stripyhoglets · 19/02/2017 14:03

Step back, when you have a baby you need friends at the same stage as life as you as it changes so much. You may not want to go out and entertain etc, beyond NCT groups and having friends round with kids while they play together. They've had their time with young children and this is yours now- don't let them spoil it. And don't have them as godparents either.

Whocansay · 19/02/2017 16:51

This woman really isn't your friend. A friend would not say things that are so cruel. This is way beyond 'lacking boundaries' or 'not having a filter'. She has zero empathy and seems to only care about how you add to her life (or not).

I suspect she really enjoyed feeling superior to you when she thought you couldn't have a baby. Now you've proved her wrong, she's wrong-footed, and possibly jealous. She's not asking about the baby because she's sulking,

I would ditch this bitch without a second thought. And I certainly wouldn't let either of them be Godparents.

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 17:06

Thanks everyone - for your candour honesty and support.
She's been in touch again today, asking if we're up for a 'big night out' next weekend.
DH has responded saying no as we have plans. Pointless saying I'm knackered atm which we would say to anyone else. No response.
I'm just going to carry on withdrawing like this.

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Whocansay · 19/02/2017 17:32

Great response.

She knows damn well you aren't up for a 'big night out'.

HaPPy8 · 19/02/2017 17:46

Its a bit confusing the way you are using miscarriage when you say you had a termination? They are not the same thing. Because in that context maybe what she was trying to say was lots of women have terminations and she was trying to make you feel better about it?

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 17:50

Happy8. One can lead a path to the other.
At my 9 week scan I had what is known as a 'missed miscarriage'. Heart was slowing and baby wasn't developing. Consultant said miscarriage was inevitable and yet could take up to ten days. I was therefore offered to have surgery (termination) to terminate the pregnancy. I was also offered he option of medication to induce miscarriage but I opted for surgery. Hope that clears it up.

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Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 17:53

And yes I am fully aware that miscarriage and termination aren't the same thing.

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HaPPy8 · 19/02/2017 17:55

I have had more than one missed miscarriage so yes i do know what it is. I am very surprised that your consultant suggested to terminate with a heartbeat at that gestation. Im sorry you went through that.

I don't think she has done anything wrong tbh. Been a bit clumsy with her expressions at times but not deliberately hurtful.

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 17:55

WhoCanSay - again the odd thing is they were never crazy about 'big nights out' until recently - now we're being made out to be the killjoys. Glad DH dealt with it.

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Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 17:57

Happy - I'm sorry you have experienced it too - thought your tone may have been gentler in the circumstances.
And I'm not about to go into my medical history to prove a point? The h/b was less than 50 so can we let this topic rest please - especially as it actually isn't the matter in question and still causes a lot of distress. Thanks.

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Sunnie1984 · 19/02/2017 18:07

From reading all your posts, I think they aren't the friends you seem to think they are.

Their comments over a long period of time have been very insensitive for people who knew exactly what you were going through.

Leave them to it and the friendship will fizzle out as it doesn't sound like they truly care about you.

Congratulations and I hope you have a good pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end x

meganorks · 19/02/2017 18:09

It does sound odd. I don't have any friends I contact as regularly as you mention, but would ask pregnant friends how it is going/ how they are etc if they were. I can't really think of any rational explanation for their behaviour. I was wondering if maybe they didn't really want to be god parents and they are distancing themselves. But then you say they seem to be contacting you regularly just not mentioning it.
The only other thing I can think is that they don't like being proved wrong or are worried things still might go wrong. But those in themselves are pretty weird.
I think you might just have to ask them outright.

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 18:12

Sunnie, Meganorks, thanks for your thoughts. They have been passed over a long period of time and I've repeatedly given them the benefit of the doubt / made excuses.

In terms of wanting to be godparents- the irony (but sadness) of the situation is that they asked to be godparents (that's how close we are).

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Whocansay · 19/02/2017 18:14

Your DH will have completely taken the wind out her sails with his response. She will have been hoping to come back with another snide comment about pregnancy 'not being an illness' or similar.

I imagine she's thinking of a comeback at the moment!

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 18:18

WhoCanSay - no response as yet. I hope there isn't one to be honest... I really don't like conflict and hostility but DH says she can't carry on saying and behaving thoughtlessly with no consequence x

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Whocansay · 19/02/2017 18:33

I hope you don't let her get to you. And congratulations!

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 18:41

Thankyou 😘

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TeethDrama · 19/02/2017 18:48

Not read the whole thread but imo they are jealous that you are pregnant. With 2 teens, their young children/fertility years are over whereas your adventure is just beginning. they never expected it to happen so felt comfortable being supportive re ivf etc, but now you are pg it's sparked some jealousy. Maybe they wanted a 3rd and couldn't have one, who knows but I would not go overboard on the friendship At this point in time, just be pleasant & do like for like. Maybe one day you could say "it's ok to ask me about the pregnancy, you know!" as a gentle nudge.

Congratulations on your happy news!

Littlelostdinosaur · 19/02/2017 18:51

Hi user have just read some of your updates, it sounds like the right thing to walk away and see what happens. Friendships change and you shouldn't have this overshadowing the happiest news for you.
AS others have said maybe it's menopause related, as a relatively new mum with two under three it's hard to know how o would react at a later life stage to a friend in your position (though certainly not with comments like hers!).
If you want to save it, speak to her openly. If not move along and se e if she tries to follow. The mc comments are just awful though and as said before, sometimes you co make a comment and think "shit that was mindless" and then you either apologies, or don't mention it to not prolong the upset, but you DEFINITELY make sure next time you are more careful. She sounds quite nasty tbh.

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 19:00

In the nicest possible way, they are probably sick to death of the whole subject. (I don't mean this in a horrible way, sorry). I know you have said that you deliberately didn't talk about it much, but from the initial post it is fairly clear that this has been all consuming (naturally).

I personally tell nobody anything about my private (married) life. My friends lean on me all the time, I k now all their troubles, sometimes it weighs me down. The irony is that I have much bigger things going on in my private life (not that anybody asks anyway, oh the irony!!!!)

So please let it go, enjoy your pregnancy and don't stress

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 19:03

You see what I mean? I guess it has got too much for them. Im sure they will be delighted for you when baby is born

MerryMarigold · 19/02/2017 19:11

Maybe they're the kind of people who do better in difficult situations (though doesn't always sound like it). Maybe they feel like you don't really need them now so they are taking a breather. Or maybe the menopause is making her a bit weird/ depressed, it does that!

NoBiggie · 19/02/2017 19:14

OP I think you're right to step away, however actually that gives the wrong impression as it sounds as though they have stepped away from you and so in doing the same you are only accepting their decision. You come across as very lovely and (and I mean this kindly) a bit naive. It sounds as though you have been explaining her nastiness away as thoughtlessness- probably because you're a nice person- but I think you need to look at the situation and ask yourself "would I have said that? Would I have done that to a friend?"

We can't say here why this couple are behaving like this, sometimes people disappoint us. It's likely down to them not you. I would keep things light and friendly but not make the effort. Maybe she is jealous of you?

Whatever the case with these friends I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy, don't let this spoil this special time for you.

Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 19:21

CallMeADoctor - I understand what you're trying to say but if you read the whole thread you'll see that we do all we can to not let infertility dominate everything. We purposely avoid the subject more often than not. Also - as mentioned we have both been very supportive to or friends through a lot of their personal problems (and in turn celebrated their happiness). we as a couple are upset that they aren't sharing our happiness when they have shared every other happiness for so long.

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Original poster

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 19:23

NoBiggie -
I probably have been naive in that I truly believe that consideration and empathy is at the forefront of friendships- friends being family we choose, right? Disappointed. Taking a step back is definitely the right thing.

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