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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Godparents... AIBU?

197 replies

user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 06:14

Don't know whether this is pregnancy hormones but I'm feeling a little hurt atm about the way or rat friends /proposed godparents are acting.

After 3 year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of ivf, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We are overjoyed. Our best friends (couple with kids of their own) know all about our struggles, including m/c and failures - and the impact it's had on us.

It had always been discussed that they would be godparents of our child - they are good loving people.

Now the difficult bit - after all the upset and difficulty we've had - now I am pregnant they have 'dropped off the radar' and are actually noticeably disinterested? Early scans (x2) were very stressful for us and despite knowing this and when they were, neither of them asked how they went or wished us well? Now I know that the baby is pivotal and central to our lives and I'm in no way arrogant enough to think they should 'hang on' to every milestone - but these were significant and they KNEW how worried we were.

Everytime they call/text (usually 2-3 times a week) they NEVER ask how I am or how the pregnancy is going.

This week I'm waiting on the results of blood test to tell me that the baby is ok (trisomy tests) and the sex. Again, husband told them this and still not even an acknowledgement.

To top it off, last time we were out for dinner with them they mocked me for 'putting my life on hold' by not going to Malaysia for our holidays (in March when I'm four months) because of the Zika risk.

The only thing they have acknowledged is that 'I'll be the taxi for the summer cos you can't have a drink'. Similarly there has been a couple of insensitive comments about miscarriage but I let them go over my head.

Am I being oversensitive? The 'turnaround' in behaviour is staggering - until now they had been interested/involved - and now it's like they are actively avoiding the fact I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 19:25

Teethdrama & Little Dinosaur - thanks for helping me put this in perspective. I know that our lives are about to change significantly and I suppose those who are worth staying around will do so? X

OP posts:
Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 20:12

Shes a little jealous of you and is coming to menopause herself

They know your life is about to change and they don't want to be stuck with the limitations a baby brings for socialising so are already backing away

Original poster
user1486334704 · 19/02/2017 20:16

Inneedofaholiday - I think you're right, coupled with the sudden 'let's go out' all the time when usually we socialise low key at each other's homes/out for dinner etc. Maybe they are pulling away now to avoid get togethers that involve a baby monitor and staying in

OP posts:
deadpool99 · 20/02/2017 11:11

OP can't believe they asked to be godparents. Anyway YANBU. She has been very insensitive and is not a friend. Sorry you've had such a hard time. I would continue with backing away. Choose different godparents.

Original poster
user1486334704 · 20/02/2017 11:26

Thanks Deadpool.... I suppose her asking shows how close and comfortable we are. But it does make this pattern of behaviour even more extraordinary and upsetting.

OP posts:
legalcheek789 · 20/02/2017 17:52

Sounds to me like she is trying to distance herself from you because she knows your friendship won't be the same once the baby arrives, to make it easier on herself. YANBU, she's been insensitive to you, and you should back away. She's probably just upset that she won't be your priority anymore. Congratulations on your pregnancy though!!

reiki73 · 20/02/2017 18:12

I had a similar experience to you in terms of fertility - 5 years of trying to conceive followed by 2 cycles of IVF. I had 2 embryos transferred back. By 9 weeks one had died, and at 12 weeks I got spotting and had an early miscarriage. I am genuinely disgusted at the lack of sensitivity shown with the comments that you've mentioned. "you're not the first and you won't be the last" Bloody appalling. "Was it something you did?" WTF? As for not being meant to have children? Bollocks to that crap. Your friend has been bang out of order. No one should EVER talk dismissively about losing a baby you've been carrying. That is reprehensible. IVF is incredibly stressful as well, so you have all that on top of someone's blatant insensitivity. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and put your energies into keeping well and feeling as relaxed as you can. Best wishes to you 🙂

dora38 · 20/02/2017 18:25

She already said her friend was in menopause. Hardly would be if she had suffered a miscarriage or abortion recently.

DebsJT · 20/02/2017 18:25

We asked a couple to be GP for our first child. Our gut instinct was not to as we were worried they would let him down. We asked anyway and by his 3rd birthday, they'd decided they couldn't be bothered any more and said they were far too busy. My little boy was devastated and I was so upset and angry. It caused a lot of trouble and we've not spoken since. If you get hadn't been my son's GP, we'd probably all still be friends...

meettherussians · 20/02/2017 18:32

OP- I had this with a friend too. When I finally said something she said as I was quite early on (also 12 weeks) she didn't want to focus on the pregnancy and keep asking questions incase I was stressed about something bad happening. Could well be this.

leojohnsmummy · 20/02/2017 18:35

well firstly congratulations on falling pregnant, its the best feeling ever having a child! if these so called friends aren't there for you now then what makes you think they will be there for your child. pick godparents that will do whats expected of being a godparent, don't settle for anything less!

HOPE ALL GOES WELL WITH BABY!Flowers

icy121 · 20/02/2017 18:52

Tentative congratulations OP.

Others have said she sounds jealous, to be honest she sounds like a vampire - feeding off the woes and you doing badly, and making her feel great in comparison. Really don't need that toxicity in your life and especially now.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing stepping back and focusing on yourselves and your pregnancy. Best wishes for it all!

Original poster
user1486334704 · 20/02/2017 19:04

Thanks for all the helpful and supportive comments. Helped me reach the right decision... and learned a lot about friendship sadly 😞

OP posts:
snazzienazzie · 20/02/2017 19:16

No YANBU!!!!
What awful comments, steer clear. I was in a similar situation & received a few comments from my sister of all people. It was when she'd had too many to drink one evening & started comparing my miscarriages etc, to her one (which shocked her hubby as she'd never had one!!) she was missing being centre of attention because I was getting it all! I walked out of her house in disgust....she was supposed to be my dd's God mother-no way!
You enjoy your pregnancy & I'm sure you'll be better off without negative people like that around you!
Good luck 🍼👶

Lovebeingmama · 20/02/2017 20:11

Hi,
Congratulations on your pregnancy, don't let this unpleasantness take away from your joy.
Putting all the comments together, she doesn't sound like a good friend at all. She sounds quite self absorbed and is finding it difficult now you are happy. Before when you were trying to get pregnant, it maybe made her feel superior but now the tables have turned.
I really don't think some of this stuff is just clumsy talk, sorry I don't.
Take care x

goodeyebrows · 20/02/2017 20:15

Just had two thoughts when reading your post OP. Firstly, I had a missed miscarriage at 9 w and some of the things people said were just thoughtless and upsetting but I've since learnt/realised that people just don't know what to say so just say the first thing that comes into their head. They would also never understand how upsetting their comments can be.

Secondly, I now have two DC and life is absolutely crazy (and wonderful) but literally a week can go by and I might realise I still haven't text my best friend back or something. I barely have any time to do anything and I am Constantly apologising for being a rubbish friend. Maybe your friends can be going through something like that.

reiki73 · 20/02/2017 20:25

I completely agree with emmyrose2000. Great comment re "perhaps some people weren't meant to be godparents"! Brilliant!

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/02/2017 21:10

Sounds like she's jealous and doesn't want you to be the happy one or the menopause is making her very grumpy which can happen.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/02/2017 21:12

Congratulations on your long awaited pregnancy 👶

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/02/2017 21:19

Happy8 why so rude and insensitive asking about the termination?? Quite clearly this was not a standard kind of termination out of choice. Are you the friend Hmm

user1481559154 · 20/02/2017 21:21

From someone who suffered with infertility for 5 yrs and was let down repeatedly with unkind comments from so called friends who apparently only had to look sideways at their husbands and fell pregnant etc etc, you and your partner enjoy your special time, you deserve it you've waited too long for this. I agree with others, revisit this once the baby arrives. Draw away from these people they're bringing nothing positive to the table right now and spend the next few months concentrating on yourself and your little family 😘

Original poster
user1486334704 · 20/02/2017 21:37

Genuine thanks to all the comments and advice this evening, reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable and the path I'm taking is the right one. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/02/2017 21:52

My own mum was dismissive when I became pregnant after years of trying and having problems. Turns out she was jealous Confused Pregancy can bring out some weird feelings. No excuse for the terrible things this woman has said to you. She should have apologised and tbf you should have picked her up on her comments when you could to make it clear they hurt you. She got away with them and carried on. A bully.

OMGBecky · 20/02/2017 22:06

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think taking a step back from these "friends" is the right choice. A PP's description of her as an emotional vampire sounds very accurate. I understand feelings of jealousy, that's normal, but she's been unbelievably unkind to you, and I don't for a second believe it's all just a lack of a filter! I desperately wanted a third child but due to medical reasons it would have been too risky so DH had the snip. When my SIL found out she was pregnant a week later (after a traumatic stillbirth the previous year) I was horrified at my own feelings of jealousy. But I'm not a total asshole, and was still happy for her and we talked about her pregnancy all the time and I couldn't love my squishy little nephew more.

I'm sorry her reaction to your wonderful news is adding stress to what should be a happy time for you.

lotbyname · 20/02/2017 23:45

Hum if it was me I wouldn't talk about your pregnancy for fear of something being wrong and it being painfull. I'd wait for you to bring it up.

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