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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my husband boring?

255 replies

mosart · 18/02/2017 20:57

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

OP posts:
RedSauce · 19/02/2017 11:03

creaser just said exactly what I was trying to say, but more eloquently. Hopefully you're still reading this, OP.

Brokenbiscuit · 19/02/2017 11:04

I think people are genuinely trying to help. However, I understand that you're not looking for other suggestions about how to enrich your life, OP. This is about your relationship with your husband.

It must be horrible to feel unloved. As others have said, you need to do something to change your current situation. You've said that you're not going to leave him. If you are sure about this, then the focus has to be on improving how you feel about the relationship if you stay.

You've said that you're not interested in eating together, because he is always on his phone, and that going out isn't an option because you don't have a babysitter. So what can you do?

There is no point in being defeatist about it. You have three basic options - do nothing and carry on as you are, leave him and start afresh or take positive action to improve the relationship. Which one are you going to choose?

Squills · 19/02/2017 11:05

I've read through the thread and can sympathise with your frustration over the replies saying that you need to join an exercise class, evening class, etc. None of these suggestions are going to help with the problems with your husband. As you state in your earlier post you're being used and abused by him and it must be dreadful for you.

I would suggest doing as others have said and tell him that you both need to discuss the situation. I'd tell him briefly what you wish to discuss and make a definite date/time so that he realises the gravity of the situation and for him to get his thoughts together. Obviously get a firm idea of the issues you need to resolve yourself.

If you can't make headway then perhaps marriage guidance counselling is a possibility.

Good luck

southall · 19/02/2017 11:06

I bet your DH is super stressed working long hours to provide for his family on a single salary.

You think he sees you as a "free nanny, cleaner, prostitute and taxi driver".

I bet you have told him this more than once.

Little wonder he doesnt enjoy having a conversation with you.

Libitina · 19/02/2017 11:09

I work 12 hour days so am always out of the house, DH works away in the week so staying in a hotel.
At weekends I am knackered and would love to stay in. DH wants to go out all weekend after being cooped up all week.
We compromise, one day off and one day doing things as a couple/family.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/02/2017 11:10

That's just mean south

Working hard is not a free pass to treat your wife as if she's nothing more than a facilitator to your life.

nolongersurprised · 19/02/2017 11:11

The op is upset that her DH is "boring". Yet she has nothing that she finds engaging or sufficiently interesting to do in the evenings - not even reading, not watching TV. I don't think it's a huge leap to wonder if she'd find him less boring if her own life was more full.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/02/2017 11:14

She did however say that he'd not be impressed if she started going out in the evening.

So I'm also wondering if he's somehow placing restrictions on what she can do in order for her to not be able to get out there and see what it's all about.

As of he's not interested but doesn't want anyone else to be either.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/02/2017 11:19

Working hard is not a free pass to treat your wife as if she's nothing more than a facilitator to your life.

This.

RedAndYellowStripe · 19/02/2017 11:19

mosart I get it, DH is the same. He cannot do small talk at all so if we are talking it's me talking, him very vaguely listening and that's it.
Having a bath together can be nice but every night?
No TV here either and no we don't drink either Grin

I'm afraid I don't have an answer as such.
I know that things got easier when they he dcs got older because it meant I had more time for myself to go and see other adults (work, friends, studying etc...) so didn't feel the need to connect to another adult as strongly.
And then it has been about accosting that he just doesn't talk so evenings would be usually very silent.
It used to drive me mad.
I've sort of accepted it and cope by ensuring I am getting those needs met in other ways (NOT an affair!).

Idefix · 19/02/2017 11:22

Giles that is sort of what I was driving at about the weekends. There seems to be only one day when they both have the potential to do something together but he chooses to go something by himself.

I wonder if the op has ever tried to address that with dh. No matter how switched off I get during the week we always make an effort at the weekends and during holidays.

Op what are holidays like?

RedAndYellowStripe · 19/02/2017 11:25

Bugger I missed the bit about being treated as a badly paid prostitute :(:(

mosart if you are at that stage, then I'm not sure that you will be able to do anything to change him.
You need to ask yourself if this is something you can live with. Would you be happy to still be there, in the same place, with the same requests put onto you, in 10 years time?

I agree with you. A bit of yoga isn't going to change your DH. But do you actually believe you can change him that much??

annabe1 · 19/02/2017 11:27

Tbh if we didn't have children I would have probably called time on the relationship
So youre together for the kids. Lucky them, growing up with parents who dont have anything to say to eachother Hmm

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 11:33

Why are people on here so unpleasant? And no, I've never told my husband I am a nanny cleaner and whatever. I don't want him to feel bad. But that's how he treats me.

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 19/02/2017 11:37

And still no mention of the children.

Your husband is not going to suddenly change without YOU forcing the change. That does not make it your fault, that makes it you taking control of your own life.

You are saying he doesn't talk to you about his day - it has to be two way. What will you talk to him about? Is he meant to conduct a monologue about his day while he eats dinner, on his own?

I genuinely don't understand why you won't consider shifting anything at all.

And again, I'm not sure I've read anyone to tell you to go act like an 18 yr old. Going to a film, or the theatre, or for dinner isn't being a drunken raver!

There's stuff here not being said, some cultural or religious restrictions to dismiss whole swathes of things you could have as common ground is just odd, tbf.

What exactly would good look like for you? That is including your own contribution. We can't ever say (unless there's abuse) 'I wish he would' without looking st ourselves too.

We're saying what works in this situation, not blaming you, and you're having a hissy fit because you refuse to accept there's stuff you could do to help the situation.

Earlier you said he doesn't want you to work - is this the 1950s? Then it's you can't afford you to work (around school hours? Or are the kids younger - you won't say).

I'm frankly bemused

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2017 11:39

OP, you need to start a new thread in Relationships. There's always blame in AIBU - you can't talk about anything properly here.

Idefix · 19/02/2017 11:42

Mosart I don't think peopl are being unpleasant and I think some pp are trying hard to gain a better understanding of how things are in your relationship. It is clear you are utterly fed up with your situation, and none of us can know can provide a fool proof rescue plan for your relationship if indeed that is what you want.

Would you consider relate? This can be done by yourself or as a couple.

What strikes me most about many of your comments is that your life sounds very lonely, not just because of your issues with dh. I think this is why there were so many suggestions to do yoga etc. If you did decide to leave dh how would you fulfill this need to have someone to share your time with?

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 11:45

But I haven't said I'm going to leave him. Anyway not to worry :)

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 19/02/2017 11:47

there is no easy answer mosart. That's the problem. The reality for you is that you would probably walk away if it wasn't for the children.

You wish for things to be different, but your DH probably isn't going to change who he is as a person. If he isn't the type to pay you attention, give you affection without wanting it to lead to sex ( or if he has lost the knack if he used to) then you probably are barking up the wrong tree.

You can either become more upset and frustrated about it or you can take some positive action to talk to your DH, and not allow him to make you the guilty one.

Nobody on here can change your life, but you can at least try to, because life is too short to be as unhappy as you sound.

The gym classes, yoga and other activities are just a sticky plaster over the big problem. But maybe you will have to use the sticky plaster if you have no alternative.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 11:47

But I haven't said I'm going to leave him. Anyway not to worry :)

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 19/02/2017 11:48

Op, if you are still reading this.

Apart from not having a tv. Your life sounds like my parents when I was a kid. My dad came in, had tea, had a sleep, walked the dog, then read or went to his shed til bedtime. No idea about their sex life thankfully but I do know my mum was bored shitless.

She had no social life at all and was bored. They had been married 20 years. Neither of them liked alcohol.

She gave my dad an ultimatum to take her out once a week dancing or she would be leaving as she couldn't spend the rest of her life with this monotony. Dancing was the thing they did when they were courting and both had loved it then.

He realised she meant it.

They started going dancing and progressed to passing examinations as dance teachers.

You have a choice op, either talk to your husband and explain how you feel, or stay miserable.

Brokenbiscuit · 19/02/2017 11:48

So what are you going to do, OP?

Take action? Or just put up with it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 11:48

Why are you focusing on the negatives even on this thread

I personally have suggested writing to him, asked if you like/ love yourself and said about counselling. Others have given these and other suggestions. Yet you've ignored us.

Is this how your relationship also works? Right now I feel as though I'm speaking to a brick wall.

Chickpearocker · 19/02/2017 11:52

Most of the people on this thread are twats they have not read your posts. I would suggest that your husband is a cunt, simple as that. He's treating you like shit. I really think you should name change and post in relationships, you may not leave him but you may be able to learn to live with this better and develop coping mechanisms. You deserve better and you know it, someone who loves you, is interested in you, who talks to you, who doesn't treat you like a skivvy, someone who fancies you as opposed to jumping on you like a piece of meat. My first step would be to stop all sexual contact as it's not consensual at the moment.

Pigeonpost · 19/02/2017 11:57

What the fuck does this have to do with evening classes?! Some weird posts on this thread. OP, your DH is being a disrespectful twunt. Reading or playing with a phone at mealtimes is rude, having absolutely no interaction with you other than sticking his dick is even worse. He might as well be fucking a blow up doll if that's how he's going to behave. No wonder it's making you feel shit. Why are you having sex with him? Can you refuse and explain why if necessary? What a horrible situation to be in. I really don't think yoga will help!!