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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my husband boring?

255 replies

mosart · 18/02/2017 20:57

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 10:36

No, why would he leave me when he's got a free nanny, cleaner, prostitute and taxi? Because that's what I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 10:37

Oh my god I DO but I DID NOT START A THREAD ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS FOR THINGS TO DO IN MY SPARE TIME!!! I AM SO SORRY FOR SHOUTING BUT NO ONE IS LISTENING!

OP posts:
Idefix · 19/02/2017 10:37

OP what would happen if you said let's not do mobile phones at the table any more?

I can be like your dh of an evening and I literally have to force myself to 'chat' with dh and it really is because I am tired and just want to switch off on mn or tv . So we eat together every day with no gadgets and it helps.

How long has it been like this? Do you think in part your dh is bored of you? I imagine from what you describe that your days (as they can be with small dc) are very samey. What do you talk to dh about?

I would say changing what happens on dh day off would be a good starting point and landing family time, go for a family walk? Can dh not do his activity after work? Tired or not I manage book wine club once a month and walks in the evening with a friend.

AnotherDayHasGone · 19/02/2017 10:37

So do you engage him in your days activities, politics or general news? If you do all that and he ignores you then I have sympathy. If you sit there expecting him to engage with you then I have none as you are responsible for your own happiness.

Gottabeaneasierway · 19/02/2017 10:37

What do you do as a family? Do you have any fun days out or activities? You don't talk as if you are a family.

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/02/2017 10:38

Mosart "there's nothing I can do"

Yes there is! As stated up thread you have 3 choices

  1. Do nothing
  2. Speak to him and ask for things to change
  3. Leave him.

You need to speak to him and tell him how serious this is, if he gets defensive tell him you want to go to couples counselling.

I would get him to understand how very, very lonely in this relationship and if things don't change you will be thinking about your options- which may include leaving him.

DO NOT apologise if he gets defensive!

AnotherDayHasGone · 19/02/2017 10:39

So you don't want suggestions? What do you want then because I don't think you will get it here.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 10:39

I am probably best leaving this as its really upsetting me but grey and others thank you so much for just listening and understanding

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 10:40

You want your husband to like you. But do you love or even like yourself?

You've got the bar set pretty low in your marriage right now. Which also makes me think the answer to those questions may be no. And also make me think you may be depressed.

SaltBae · 19/02/2017 10:41

Okay so you don't want suggestions on what to do in your spare time, you want what? Advice on what to do about having a shit husband?

As PP have said, you can talk to him about it, make an effort to make a change or just leave him..???

disappearingfish · 19/02/2017 10:41

Your relationship sounds horrible. And yes, you are right, a weekly yoga class is not going to solve it!

Sounds like you will have to make some drastic changes.

How old are your children? How many years before childcare costs stop being a barrier to you working?

Where do you live? Can you move house so you are not so isolated?

What are the family finances? Do you have access to full financial information/bank accounts etc.?

What would your DH say if you started making changes like: no phones at the dinner table; spending time doing activities together at the weekend; no sex unless he actually puts his phone away and TALKS to you.

As you say, he is treating you as a non person. How does he interact with the DC?

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/02/2017 10:42

Mosart start a thread in Relationships asking for help on how to move forward.

Starting such a thread in AIBU is never a good idea Flowers

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 10:44

Mosart, you're not being unreasonable at all and I cant believe how many posters don't get it. I know how you feel. I can't bear to see somebody so unheard in their marriage come here for support and then be unheard on her thread. Sad

My advice is to leave the thread because AIBU is very harsh.

Brew
PartyPolitics · 19/02/2017 10:44

No, why would he leave me when he's got a free nanny, cleaner, prostitute and taxi? Because that's what I am.

And that is your choice, you could make different choices but you choose not to.
Sorry the thread is upsetting you but it's not clear what you want from it.

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 10:47

wow. Can you be a bit nicer to her while she figures it out what choices she has and decides what to do?

GreyStars · 19/02/2017 10:49

I think bakeoff makes a good suggestion of the relationship board.

Those of us who took the time to read everything you said, do get it. You do deserve better, and it's ok to vent about it - you do have a shit husband I'm afraid Flowers

please try not to be upset about what people who have the empathy of a rock think, they really don't matter.

Cantbeatatryer · 19/02/2017 10:49

Op I hear you. I have not had chance to read the full thread so sorry if I am repeating others.

You have reached a crossroads. It's up to you which way to go. You either do nothing and carry on the way you are but getting more resentful every day. Your child is little now but will pick up on the atmosphere between you.

Or you tell him. Or write it down and show him. Then you both need to talk and listen to each other and decide what you are both going to do about it. Give it an amount of time, say 3 months and see if things are better or if they have gone back to how they were. None of you sound happy.

You will get out what you both put in. Good luck. I hope it works out the way you want it to.

AnotherDayHasGone · 19/02/2017 10:49

It's very hard to help people when they throw every helpful suggestion back. It is not helpful to vilify the DH either when communication is two way and everyone has choices in how they behave and respond to others.

GreyStars · 19/02/2017 10:53

It's very clear what she wants from the thread, she wants some bloody support whilst she figures out what to do - because she feels alone in her marriage and has a husband who ignores her unless he wants a quick shag.

How anyone can look at a statement from a woman who feels that she is a glorified prostitue and nanny and not think that's really bloody sad is beyond me.

But no, the majority of posters think that this is all her doing and that bit of yoga is going to magically solve her arsehole husband problem - unbelievable.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/02/2017 10:53

But the suggestions are not helpful. OP has said repeatedly that her loneliness and sadness is not from an inability to do her own thing but because her husband does not treat her as a person or communicate with her even when she tries to talk to him. He wants her at home, looking after the house and children, sex on tap but without the need to acknowledge her from her PoV. It sounds incredibly depressing situation to live in.

Notonthestairs · 19/02/2017 10:54

There is nothing wrong with wanting more from your DH. But ( and this is meant kindly) you are not helpless - work out what you need (a dedicated night a week from him as an example) and then tell him. Make it clear that its important to you but you will both benefit. I hate the saying Happy wife, happy life - but in this instance it may well be right.

Also - and again I mean this kindly - I've recognised that my DH cant be my everything. He's an introvert, I am an extrovert - fine before we had children, I could easily go out 4 nights a week, much harder when we had kids, no family nearby and he works crazy hours. It took a long time and a few false starts but I made friends locally and I need them, in many ways they give me things my DH cant or just isnt interested in and I feel like they provide support for my marriage.

RedSauce · 19/02/2017 10:54

OP I don't think it's YOUR fault, but I don't think it's your husband's fault either. It's very difficult to find things to talk about or common ground (for both of you) when one of you just goes to work all day, and the other stays at home looking after kids all day. He probably feels bored too, I'd imagine.

I don't think you should pay for a babysitter so that you can "swan around pubs pretending you're 18", but you should consider finding something you both/all enjoy doing in the evenings/at weekends, so that you spend some time with your husband, either with or without the kids, doing something fun! That's why people are suggesting TV I guess, because lots of people enjoy watching TV together. It can be that simple. If that's not for you, fine, but you have to find some common ground with your DH and some way of enjoying your life together.

I would definitely talk to him about it though (in a calm and non-accusatory way).

creaser · 19/02/2017 10:54

I would imagine there are hundreds of men/women in your position. You have had no company/conversation all day and want someone to talk to some companionship he is knackered from working all day and wants to come home and veg. In the week I think this is probably ok as your both just in different places right now but won't necessarily last forever.

To me where this needs to change is the weekend when he isn't working then you need to spend time together as a family doing things you all enjoy. Walks together with the kids maybe we just pack a picnic and head out pay for parking but after that not too costly.

You could do all sorts but only you and him know what you will enjoy. But it does need talking about he doesn't seem to pick up that your understandably resentful of being stuck in and then he's too tired to converse. Tell him surely he isn't going to refuse spending time together at a weekend. The wonder of having children together is to watch them grow/learn etc and to be able to share it with each other otherwise what's the point. Smile

AnotherDayHasGone · 19/02/2017 10:55

But the OP has said she will not leave him. I cannot see anywhere where she has said she has sat him down and explained how she felt or has asked how to do that when others have suggested it.

Megatherium · 19/02/2017 11:01

So there are times in the day when you could be talking to your DH but aren't, and you aren't watching TV or reading. So what are you doing?

I get it that you don't want to discuss how you fill your own time, but it is relevant. Firstly, because you need your own resources and you need not to be solely dependent on one other person to keep you occupied. And secondly, because if there were more in your own life you would have more to talk about to him. It's not a one-way street.