to find my husband boring?

[mosart]

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

I posted similarly a while ago OP. Unless it
Involves eating or drinking or having sex he's not interested really. He used to be and I know people grow and change but it's hard to deal with when you're in your 30's. And people will say be responsible for yourself and I am. But your partner should also be responsible for your happiness too otherwise what's the point in a spouse if all the advice you get is just do your own thing? You didn't marry a gym class or a night out with the girls. You married a man who promised to love and cherish you not read books and ignore you! You're allowed to feel disappointed. I know I do! The thing that upsets me is it was never like this for the first few years. I don't think we will last once our children have left which is sad after nearly 20 years. No advice for you sorry. I just thought you were getting an unnecessarily hard time!

I get where you're coming from op.

This was me when we lived in Oz. Dh worked stupid hours, I was home with dd's and just wanted his company. I too went gym, classes, book club. I'm not known for being needy, but all I craved was his company, the man I married.

It nearly killed our marriage.

We came back to the UK, and ended up going to counselling. This helped our relationship a lot.

It's the monotony of day to day drudge, like Groundhog Day.

Hope you find a solution, and your Dh snaps out of it.

You need to talk to him. If he wants sex and you are not interested, tell him you are not being used that way. Maybe going without for a while will be a wake up call and show him he needs to make more of an effort. He seems to want things on his terms and make no effort towards his marriage or family.

You should also try to do things as a couple. Babysitters are not that expensive.

Op you're getting a lot of beside-the -point advice here - how is that going to make me feel loved is your most telling point - I really feel for you .

Maybe you might benefit from doing more stuff but actually you are right that you need to have more going on with DH than this to make it work for you! I know you said you have no babysitter - but I think if there is any way you can find someone to sit for you or can prioritise the cash for that you will find doing something together will at the very least spark a conversation.

What about friends together? Do you not have any other couples to meet up with - picnics, rambles, hobbies? We go to friends houses (sometimes with kids) for meals and go out with them sometimes. It makes for conversations afterwards (Analysis of the evening and a bit of gossip) and doesn't need to include drinking. We went to a friends house the other night and the DH doesn't drink, it was fine... if your DP reads a lot I bet he does have lots of opinions and views in there - how is he socially?

I think you do need to tell him how you feel about this though- what you're describing is no life to lead!

Re: alcohol - you don't need to drink to go out for a meal together. I have a friend who has this situation with her parents having been alcoholics- it affected her in most aspects of her life but I think took her a long while to address - and spilled into mental health in quite a large way- is it something you have worked through in your head?

My DH started being a bit like this so I told him he needed to make more effort because I was getting really lonely and fed up. He bucked up and things got better.

Thanks, I know you don't need to drink to go out for a meal, its just explaining to other posters why watching a box set over wine isn't something weve ever really done! as someone said I didn't marry a gym class. We don't really have mutual friends. And we really can't afford a babysitter

Just to add, I wouldn't be looking at evening classes, I'd be looking for a job. You're in a very precarious situation OP and if things go further down hill you're going to need one. Plus I think it would help massively with your self esteem.

Problem is whatever I earned would be cancelled out in travel costs and childcare

My work was like that when I first went back after mat leave, but I figured my circumstances wouldn't always be the same, so it would benefit me in the long term.
I'm so glad I did. It's given me freedom, independence, self worth and my own money, a few years down the line.

Perhaps your title is why you are getting all the suggestions for "boring" leads us to suggest you make your own life more interesting.

The train of thought being making yourself less boring you may have more to talk about and engage about.

It's hard being at home with DC and without adult company, then when another adult comes in the house to look to them for all those needs is not fair on either.

So by going elsewhere for some adult company is healthy and decreases the boredom.

Hi mosart,

People are suggesting things, not as an alternative to your disengaged DH, but as steps to help re-engage. You've clearly disconnected from each other, and tbh, you sound like you've disconnected from everything. 'We don't do eating together' - so start! My husband works ridiculous shifts and unless he's on a day off I wait to eat with him. Always have. We're like you, no family to babysit and no money to pay a stranger so dinner together is a nod towards a social life.

You haven't said how old your DCs are. I too struggled with mummy playgroups because I found most of them bitchy competitive airheads but I did eventually find likeminded mums at likeminded activities - parks, kids swimming etc.

You can't just magically expect him to change, but you can maybe at least try some of the suggestions. A fitness class is a brilliant way to get out and get some adrenaline going.

What have you got to talk to him about? Is he interested in his children? You don't mention them other than needing a babysitter?

You definitely need a talk. Maybe change the wifi password one night . But please don't just look to him to be the change you want. Babies can be very isolating and Groundhog Day, and this needs addressing regardless of the dynamic between you and him.

Btw I would not be having sex with someone who didn't speak to me. Just saying.

I will actually cry if one more person suggests that by doing an hours yoga a week I will transform my husband

Can i ask at which point in relationship you began to notice your husband becoming this way.

Did your relationship change slowly over time? Or was it always this way?

It won't help directly, but going out and doing your own thing will stop you being so reliant on him for adult conversation/entertainment.

Adults in healthy relationships need to do their own thing and have their own hobbies independent of them as a couple. It seems your DH has these - why don't you?

Perhaps start a new thread with a different heading and you will get the advise you want to hear

This isn't about evening classes, mummy friends of gin.

I think you could be surrounded by a million people and be drowning in gin, you wouldn't be lonely but you would feel alone.

Sounds to me like you miss your husband, and that you want what you had before and a bit of love and attention.

And so what if the OP wants to just come on here and vent, if someone listening to her vent will help her then maybe people should try and support her to figure out what she does want/need - keep suggesting the things she has clearly said she doesn't want or need is not helpful or supportive.

It takes two people to make a marriage, I am at home all day on my own and DP at times works long hours. I appreciate he works long hours, I know he is very tired when he gets in (I used to work 60+ hours, C level role like him so I fully understand the pressures) I appreciate that he needs some downtime BUT

he doesn't come in, ignore me, eat the food I've made him, watch me run around after DC, ignore me for the rest of the evening and only show me a glimmer of attention when he decided he wants to have sex with me.

I am actually really upset for the OP reading this, it sounds horrible.

I honestly was just joking about the drinking. I like a glass's or two of wine but I'm certainly not a go out and get drunk kind of person. And I don't care if I drink or not.

I do understand what you mean. Finding the balance is hard.

I know I try and be the happy interested person so he doesn't feel ignored. However I know he lso needs to wind down after a hard day at work and also probably doesn't want to re live his day.

I also get sick of the competitive tiredness. No one wasn't on a building site all day. But sometimes spending hours taking the kids everywhere getting stuck in traffic whilst still making sure he has a dinner to come home too and clothes to West cab he tiring too.

I'm a social person.

He isn't.

I feel he ignores me alot and we have nothing in common we don't even like the same TV shows.

But he doesn't see a problem.with spending three hours playing computer games then starting to paw at me.

If you wanna have sex you kinda have to start with talking to me first. Or or feels like all the other ONS I've had. And I got bored of thaws. I don't so much want sex I just want some kind of mental stimulation.

I don't think you sound as if you want him to be your entertainment. I think you want what most people seem as normal. Just a couple talking.

Bit he's more interested in his needs and your left out and bored stupid trying to accommodate them. Meanwhile it all starts chipping away at which you are and everything feels as if it's about making sure he's ok.

Although there have been some really empathetic posts here, I've been really shocked by the abuse the OP has received.

It's clear that she's not feeling loved. It's clear her husband doesn't really see her in his life. Whoever said, "Only boring people get bored" is completely bonkers. The OP is lonely in her marriage and no amount of nightclasses (which she can't attend for reasons she's given) will make a difference there. In fact if she did anything outside the home in the evenings I think she'd be ripe for an affair.

Of course it's boring if you live with someone who doesn't talk about their day, is on their phone while they're eating and doesn't share any activities with you or show any interest in you. Who wouldn't be bored with that?

whatever ivy ypud have a go at me then too HAVE YOU POSTED ABOUT THIS BEFORE OP

Hermione I have nowhere to go, we can't afford it

grey THANK YOU

And going

Yy

All my mummy friends are at work (I work evenings) my close friends live miles away I'd never get sienna there and back in time fir school runs. I get on well with my work colleagues however they aren't the going out fir drinks type.

My only company in the day time died.

I looked at classes and activities nearby but they are all evenings which I can't do cos if work. And I don't really have any hobbies any more.

Thank you too determined

And I doubt many people would be happy with that setup, they would feel neglected in their partnership/marriage and no amount of yoga or hobbies will solve this issue.

Yes adults do need to do their own thing, that is healthy, it is important but to me it sounds like the OP does do that to some level, but if she did exactly what he did they would just be two people living in the same house, bumping into each other occasion and having sex when HE wanted it. That's not a relationship and OP doesn't have to sacrifice her happiness and needs because her husband is tired / works long hours and has a hobby of playing on his phone.

I wouldn't want sex with a man who ignored me every time he saw me, I would be very upset and feel alone not lonely alone.

I think OP you need to tell him exactly how you feel, but sadly the only way to fix this is if he wants to fix your marriage and is prepared to listen and work with you.

problem is whatever I earned would be cancelled out by travel costs and childcare

So? You're household income wouldn't change but you would have the security of a job/pension and hopefully job satisfaction. Your salary wouldn't all go on childcare as your DH is responsible for 50% of those costs.
It's sounding more and more like he just wants a housekeeper/childminder rather than a partner/companion.
You're dc will grow up thinking this type of relationship is acceptable or normal. Would you be happy if they followed in your footsteps?

Doing yoga won't transform your DH, no. But it may be a step forward in transforming your relationship with your DH.

I'm not going to explain it to you again, because lots of pp have done that already. Tbh, you're coming across as not wanting to put any effort into helping your relationship - surely eating together once a week is the obvious first step? - but I'm wondering if you're depressed. I know when I am down, everything seems pointless and too much effort. Apologies if this is not the case, but I'm just trying to work out why you are so negative about some really good suggestions. There is no magic wand here, effort will have to be expended.

grey thank you

party well actually it would as we have joint finances. It doesn't actually make any difference how you phrase it, whatever I would bring in would be whisked straight back out again and more besides.