to find my husband boring?

[mosart]

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

coffee I am not interested in eating together because my husband sits messing with his phone

Apart from wanting to spend more time with your DH what do you look forward to doing in the evening?

Are you going to talk to him? When dh and I reached impasses, I used to write to him. I could say how I felt in a less emotive way, he could read it at his leisure and neither of us had cause to accuse or blame. I never got much if any verbal feedback let alone any written. His behaviour did change though - it did take a lot of nudging. And I got to look at my behaviour too. We can talk much more freely these days. There still are a lot of bumps in the road. If you don't feel able to do this, counselling helps.

I don't look forward to spending time with my husband that's kind of the point of the thread :)

People are trying to say there's no magic wand to change your husband - you need to enforce the change - and doing a bit more than spending time alone is a start.

Dinner conversation (if you ate together):

Him: so how was your day
You: I read a book but couldn't concentrate
Him: oh...

Of course a class won't change your bloody husband but until you also change things you won't feel any better even if he does show some interest! No one is saying one class will have miraculous powers, but ITS A START. Small steps.

Inferring anyone who isn't teetotal is a gin swilling alchy is bloody rude op. One person made a joke and you keep digging at it.

Maybe those of us suggesting things have been where you are now and we're out the other side.

YABU calling your husband boring, because you seem unwilling to even consider doing things to reignite the interest he had in you.

And you've still not said a lot about your DCs other than they prevent you going out. How old are they?

When me and DH went thru a couple of years of this I joined a church - got me out of the house, very welcoming people, other kids for the kids, and that's not even taking into account anything around faith that helped.

Maybe call your thread 'can I vent about my boring life and not want to fix it'

Ive tried but as I say he gets defensive and it ends up with me apologising

Tbh I would be fucking pissed of if my oh sat and fiddled with his phone whilst eating dinner.
Fortunately I still have a teen at home so phones are banned at the dinner table, therefore I wouldn't even need to tell or explain this to my oh as my teen would "pull" him up on this type of rudeness.

If he has time for his phone then he's not "that" tierd after work

OP how do you engage your DH? You find him boring but have you thought he might find you just as boring. I would have a serious talk but be prepare to change yourself as well because I would find it tedious to have to entertain someone after working my ass off all day who had nothing to give back.

Ok then, but what do you like to do?

But you don't seem to want to try anything that might change that. You keep mentioning money but you don't need it to change your situation.

Yes I know Bunny, I do already KNOW that I am stuck and there is nothing I can do. Banging on at me about how its my fault, funily, doesn't help

Dh gets told no phones at the table. It's a rule I think is very sensible esp with children. The way you portray your marriage is that you take the lead from him and don't assert yourself or your needs much. Is this true?

OK everyone I am sorry. I will go to yoga and then come home and my husband will not want to stick his dick into me he will engage in a lovely conversation about it and all will be fine and if I don't do this I deserve everything

Have you properly sat down and told your DH how you feel? You sound very unhappy but I can't imagine your DH is happy either. Your marriage is in a very precarious position but counselling may be beneficial.

It would be a good idea to look into going back to work. Yes, I know you won't be any better off at the moment but your marriage sounds like it is on its last legs. Being a single mum on benefits is not fun. If you were to break up but had a job you would be entitled to tax credits which can make a huge difference.

My DH pretty much ignores me when he gets home from work - aside from a 15 minute download of our day (I talk whilst he eats). I encourage it - we're both knackered. However Friday and Saturday nights are reserved for us. So no phones, a takeaway (and yes a bottle of wine) and we generally only watch comedies or stand up shows, something light - I find us having a laugh together helps.
Op - I dont know what the answer is in your scenario, you dont mention talking to your husband about your feelings. Have you told him that you need something more from him? How did he react?
And yes you are clearly pissed off about the suggestions that you do something on your own in the evenings but, you know what, its not a bad place to start. To be valued by friends or take part in a group activity is good for you - it supports feelings of self worth, it will give you something of your own that doesnt relate just to what your family needs from you and might enable you to demand a bit more of what you need at home.

I find it heartbreaking to read, it's just so sad.

What do you think would happen in an ideal world, for you mosart? On a regular day Maybe you could write down what it would look like (in private or here) and then try to work backwards from that, but it will only work if he works with you.

I don't expect you want very much at all.

You're not getting the advise you want so you're now being obtuse.

That isn't going to help you, there are people hear listening and trying to help.

All you've done is moan & rebuff any advice anyone is giving you & now you're being passive aggressive.

Are you sure it's your husband who is boring or are you both a pair of woe-is-me miserable gits?

Don't have a TV? Get one
Don't have a babysitter? Pay for one
Don't do mummy friends? Well then shit have fun being lonely 🙄

So what do you want from this thread?

Help? Hope? Vent?

Right now you're venting.

No I wouldn't and I'm not pissed off, I am pissed off with people getting pissed off with me and making this situation into my fault. And I'm not going to leave DH, I didn't say I was going to be a single mum on benefits. Nowhere have I said that.

But anyway I will I leave it now.

I DO go to the gym, actually
I DO sometimes see friends on a Saturday, not every Saturday but sometimes
We REALLY can't afford for me to work, weird as that might sound

"but I'm wondering if you're depressed"

Good point. It makes wonder me if the OP and also her husband are both depressed due to social isolation and lack of money.

You might not want to leave him but are you sure he doesn't want to leave you? He sounds miserable too.

I don't want a TV, I want to be not treated like a very badly paid prostitute.

I don't want to pay for a babysitter so I can swan around pubs pretending I'm 18, I want my husband to like me

But your saying the above is all my fault and it isn't. I've never said I want a TV I've just tried to explain who I am, or was, who we are, or were, we're not TV watchers, we're not boozers, is all.

Lots of cross posting

It doesn't matter a flying fuck what she likes to do, she could have the social life of kardishain - what she is upset about is the fact that her husband ignores her all evening, all weekend doesn't talk to her AT ALL until he feels that he wants a bit of action.

I bet he even moans about it, if she's not up for it.

I do think it's worrying that you don't seem to have anything at all that you like to do in your spare time.