to find my husband boring?

[mosart]

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

X-post with Chickpea!

Ok, so you've decided that you're not going to leave him. That means the only real options are to stay like this or have the conversation and see if change happens. Firstly, how old are your children? When they're young, it can seem all very mundane and boring. Family life can be repetitive and exhausting.

I know money is tight but can you afford to scrimp and get a babysitter, even once a month? I think you need to get out of the house together and spend time together. It's easy to slip into doing your own thing when you're at home. I get that he's tired after work. I assume he doesn't work every day, so can you not have a night out when he's not been at work all day?

Do you do things as a family when he's off work - take the kids to the park or for a walk? Depending on their ages, can you play a game? Again, you don't have to spend money.

"I would suggest that your husband is a cunt, simple as that."
"My first step would be to stop all sexual contact as it's not consensual at the moment"

If he is cunt like you suggest. Then when he gets no sex from the OP, he will most likely have an affair or go to prostitutes rather than change his ways.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I can see you are fed up. I can tell you are lonely. And I think like many posters I don't think he will change. I asked if he's abusive. Because if he's not and he is providing you with a home and food, is it something you can live with? If it is, then having your own social life can make your life more fulfilling. Basically the suggestion is to change your side of the problem as you can't change his. I understand you can't afford to work otherwise that will give you self esteem and money.

If you are considering leaving, I didn't get that sense from your posts. And you have since said you aren't going to.

What the hell are "mummy friends"? That sounds so twee it makes me cringe my face off.

Some of the suggestions on here...am I right in thinking if you don't want to go to Spanish, yoga, cookery or painting classes you are a depressive bore? Righto.

OP doesn't need or want advice about getting out of the house and doing stuff. Getting a TV isn't going to solve marriage problems, is it? Going to yoga isn't going to help. This thread is utterly ridiculous!

The fact of the matter is, you can't just tell OP she needs to do something and then when she doesn't like the idea get snotty with her. Marriage problems are complex - complex problems don't have simple solutions. It's absolutely fair enough to offer suggestions but OP is under no obligation to agree with the suggestions, is she?

I think that people, myself included, are trying to find ways for the OP to be less bored. If she won't talk to her DH about this, or rather, he won't discuss it, and she also won't think about leaving him then the only other option open is to amuse herself.

We're only trying to help.

230 posts of suggestions, and no acknowledgement that anyone has given you things you are prepared to at least try.

All the very best

In life you do need to meet people half way and give some sense you can take on board some of the comments, even if you don't agree with everything.

Of course she doesn't Potato. Issue is she's only focused on these people, becoming cross with them and not even acknowledged other advice or opinions, which I hope would be more useful. I can only conclude she's not in the position to want to hear such advice and opinions.

showme i agree about some of the stroppier posts, but what does the OP want posters to say? 240 posts of "poor you".?

The OP has confirmed that she won't consider leaving. Or speaking to her H (in case he feels bad). Or looking at ways in which the 'do nothing' option relationship-wise, can become more manageable through focussing on broadening personal horizons.

daisy I get what the OP is saying. She doesn't want advice on how to not be bored. She doesn't advise about finding a hobby or meeting people. She wants advise on how to ensure HR DH starts appreciating her. On how she can ensure he is treating her right. She wants to stop feeling taken for granted.

The problem here is that taking yoga or going out with friends isn't going to change that because the issue is about what is happening between her and her DH. Not about how SHE is as a person.

mosart I agree that to 'make' your DH change can be done but would take a long time.
It would be worth doing ONLY if you know deep down that he is a good guy and that as somehow lost his way. If he thinks nog of his relationship with you, if he is just a twat that has no respect for women or for you as a person, then you will be flogging a dead hrose.
Otherwise, you need to look at it as training him and educating him. Humour can make a difference. Talking to him in ways that will hit home can work I would make a relation between how he behaves at home and how he would be with friends or work colleagues etc...). Standing iyour ground and believing in yourself that what you are asking for is NORMAL and not a nonsense.
Making things happen (e.g. Talking to him in the evening and asking for his sopinion so he has to engage, even for a little time), time together at the weekend, organising days out etc...
But also living your life as he wasn't there. He don't want to talk to you? Great! You can listen to your fav music, go On MN, prepare a day out with your dc(s) wo him. Then gush about how great it was. Show him you have. Life wo him and an exciting one at that.

Over the years, I have found that when everyone on a thread has told OP, or me, if I'm the OP, the same thing, but she's just not listening/not ready to hear it, then there isn't much that can be done.

On the rare occasion I go back and read my own old threads, I normally cringe.

Is that your situation OP?

Op: "my husbands boring"
Reply: "talk to him"
"I can't cuz reasons"
"Have a meal"
"I can't cuz reasons"
"Watch the TV together"
"I can't cuz reason"
"Go out together"
"We can't cuz reasons"

So on and so on.
What else is there to say?
Its like someone's moaning that their head is in a vice but are refusing ton remove their head from the vice.

OP, have you ever said to your husband 'We don't ever really have a conversation anymore, and that puts me off having sex with you because I don't like that being the only way we interact. I'd like us to have our dinner together, with no phones at the table, and talk properly'?

If you haven't ever said that, then say it. If you have, how did he react?

If your response is 'I can't say that because it'll make him feel bad', well, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. If you don't like the way he treats you now, there is no way of changing it while never, ever risking hurting his feelings. You seem quite at ease with challenging people on this thread. Direct that towards your husband.

But also living your life as he wasn't there. He don't want to talk to you? Great! You can listen to your fav music, go On MN, prepare a day out with your dc(s) wo him. Then gush about how great it was. Show him you have. Life wo him and an exciting one at that.

Which is what everyone has been saying!

Not always that simple though is it DJ

When things like this go on for a long time and coupled with maternity leave which merely highlights and increases the distances between you as ultimately the guy gets to carry on as normal ajd it's the woman who makes alot of the adjusting. She's through one giving up work. Maternity leave makes you feel so detached from it all.

You need your husband/wife to have your back. To encourage you and enable you to go out and to do things and make you feel worthwhile as a person.

She hasn't got that.

If the person who's supposed to love you can't even treat you as of you matter then why would she want to risk going out there and stumbling and feeling as if maybe he was right all along. After all of your husband won't even look at you then why would anyone else think it's worth talking to you....

Giles

Then that is depressing and probably means some level of depression. Which has also been pointed out.

I get that it isn't so simple. But self esteem comes from within. And op just isn't ready for any of it. Which is sad but there is nothing to be said or done until she is.

See I don't think she sounds depressed.

The self esteem thing. It comes from the people around you. Esteem is result of the actions of others as much as it comes from inside yourself.

The fact she's held on to enough to know she wants and deserves more shows incredible strength imo especially when the actions of the people around you indicate the compete opposite

There are some very good points on here. But I do disagree with the thought that somehow there's something wrong with her because someone else has made her feel this way.

She could take all the anti depressants in the world and join every class going. But her husband isn't interested so that's going to bring her crashing down every time. Especially as he doesn't sound as if he'd be supportive of anything anyway.

She's not said much about him as a person really but I would suspect that he is probably very difficult in the sense that she would some how "pay" fir whatever see decided to do.

It's the down side of being financially dependant on some body and there is the that much help out there really. Not that's going to be available particularly quickly or easily and there's a child to consider too. Sometimes it's just better the devil you know...

Probably isn't simple for the OP Giles
But what other advice can anyone in this forum give that hasn't already been given? That was my point.

You can dissect a relationship as much as you desire too but not a single person here has a magic wand that we can weave to make things different. Beyond suggesting things we think could be helpful... What else can we do?
Even if OP did start a thread, under a different name, a different title etc. The advice would be te same.

"Talk to him"
"I can't because whatever"
"Sit and have a meal"
"I can't because whatever"
"Go to relate"
"I can't because whatever"
So on and so forth.

They both sound depressed. Moping around every evening, not making an effort to talk, being irritable (as OP has been on this thread), no motivation to do anything, take part in anything, even read a book or watch TV. Sounds like depression to me.

I think they both sound fairly normal.

He isnt thrilling and neither is she. They are both just bogged doen with day to day life.

The op seems to not really eant to fix it and has loads of excuses as to why her life is boring and she cant do anything to fix that or deal with the marriage problems. I am pretty sure her husband has the same point of view. He works and is knackered, nothing exciting has happened, nothing exciting can happen because of xyz, nothing worth talking about, eats his meals alone etc.

Its easy to get stuck in this place and frane of mind. Op really needs to decide wether to deal with it head on (that could include ending the marriage) or just accepting thats how her life is.

I think it's lovely to believe or think that there's a reason people treat others like crap but the truth is some people really are just like that.

I think she's probably tried all the suggestions a thousand times and doesn't want to go onto detail about what happened when she did which would explain why she appears unmotivated or irritable.

Giles I agree with most of what you said.
It is very hard when yuh do all the adjusting and yu R partner doesn't have your back.
It is very hard when the person who is supposed to love you and at least to like you show you that they don't. If they aren't, then who will ever do that?

And agree too that there isn't anything wrong with her to feel down in that situation. I've been there, albeit for different reasons and what you said resonates with me a lot.

I never said there was something wrong with her though. Perhaps she has tried the stuff others are suggesting. However if she went in it with the attitude that she's currently displaying then maybe she was doomed to fail. If she's written a strong, very non judgemental letter to him stating their issues or said things clearly and concisely about what she expects from her husband and marriage, I'd be surprised. I'm not seeing any positivity, self care or permission to see the joy in life either from him or from herself. I've also not seen a level of self awareness required to really have tackled the issues they're having. Admittedly I may be wrong as this is but a snapshot.

OP please start another thread in relationships with a different title and explain what your relationship is like. I don't really understand how people here are missing the point so spectacularly but it is AIBU.

I agree op should get another thread. But I think you're spectacularly missing the point that op doesn't sound ready for the sort of help she needs.