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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my husband boring?

255 replies

mosart · 18/02/2017 20:57

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

OP posts:
PartyPolitics · 19/02/2017 09:22

Because the solutions won't solve anything.

So what are you going to do about it?
I think you have 3 options

1.Continue as you are in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage
2.Speak to your DH and tell him how you feel. You say Its just he doesn't seem interested in me at all. So tell him this, you can't fix this marriage on your own.

  1. Leave and take responsibility for your own happiness.
LauraMarling · 19/02/2017 09:23

If he's in in the evenings why don't you do a night class or take up walking or something for yourself.
Then you have a hobby outside of him and it gives you something to chat about ?

FusionChefGeoff · 19/02/2017 09:24

I think what people are trying to get at is that conversation is 2 way. And by the sounds of it, you don't have much in your life that will fulfill your side of the chat. If you had a more interesting and positive day, you might be able to encourage your DH into a conversation.

Equally, you can't and shouldn't rely on other people to make you happy.

If you are bored / want to feel loved and H isn't going to fix that, then you need to fix it by entertaining yourself and making friends who can love you. Or just building your self esteem so you can love you.

Or leave him.

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 09:24

Mosart, I hear you. the loneliest I ever felt was in a relationship. You want to be heard, and even on here you have to put in to caps 'how will an evening class make me feel loved'

My x used to do that, ignore me all evening except fro some criticism about something, then come up to bed and expect sex Confused horrible.

haveacupoftea · 19/02/2017 09:25

I think you both need couples counselling and possible some anti depressants.

SEsofty · 19/02/2017 09:25

What do you want to happen?

You can't change people, only how you respond to them?

If you are bored, do something about it proactively. Get a job, join a gym, start up a new hobby, make some new friends, anything.

ExitStage · 19/02/2017 09:26

I think people are missing the point.

She wants her husband to take notice of her. To chat to her, to have fun with her, to walk in the park with her. She wants some intimacy and possibly a bit of romance.

When he walks through the door she wants her heart to leap a little, not sink because it's another evening of watching him snore.

I'm sorry, but this sort of life has all the seeds for someone to have an affair.

HeadDreamer · 19/02/2017 09:27

It is because it sounds like you are complaining you have a boring life with no friends. You can make a change on your side. Anyone suggesting this and you say they are unhelpful.

Why can't you take people you meet home? And why does it have to be ho,e? Why not the pub or costa? As for discussing children. Surely that's what mum friends are for? Do you have anything to talk about other than children? Is your life only revolving around chidlren? That's why people have suggested hobbies. Why can't you discuss the mortgage with friends? As for the sex, well, depends on if you have an open marriage Grin. But friends can't help with that I can see.

Bravas · 19/02/2017 09:28

Op I get that you don't want to do these things, all you want is a decent relationship with your husband and you're not getting what you need from him.

I think this life has worn you down and making you seem a bit negative, understandably you can't envisage any of the suggestions working or helping.

I guess you either have to tell him how you're feeling and together instigate changes or you end it.

SharkBastard · 19/02/2017 09:31

So your husband only engages with you when he wants to have sex to help him sleep?

I'm quite taken aback by the responses on here, my DH works very long hours, I work regular hours, we are both introverts and I struggle to make friends. There is no way either of us would treat the other the way some here treat their other halves. Why on earth wouldn't you want to spend some time together? Is that not what partnership is about? It doesn't mean you need to spend hours talking, it's about connecting.

OP I feel for you, and you have every right to feel utterly frustrated and disengaged if all he offers you is sex without intimacy

NoMoreAngstPls · 19/02/2017 09:31

Have you asked your DH why it is that he doesn't want you to go out with friends in the evening but yet doesn't want to acknowledge your presence when you are there?

And tbh who cares if he wants you to stay in! He's not the boss of you!

You need to take control of your life OP. If you do split up with him, you will have to be responsible for your own happiness. If I were you, I'd start now, and show him that you're perfectly capable of having an interesting fun time.

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 09:32

I read the OP as being very succinct, not negative or ground down. It's a negative situation and I think she's got a hard time here because she hasn't given ''juicier details''.

But actually having been in a relationship where my x made no effort for me but was charming for everybody else, I think it is extremely disrespectful.

I think the join a night class suggestions are a bit 'wth' when she wants her own husband to talk to her.

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 09:33

Oh, i just realised, this isn't relationships, it's AIBU

Maybe you could get this post moved OP?

BitchPeas · 19/02/2017 09:33

So many posters are missing the point massively.

OPs husband ignores her apart from when he wants a shag. Why on earth would an evening class, a walk with a friend, or some anti depressants be suggested as a solution to this problem.

Sorry OP it sounds shit and miserable for you. I couldn't live like it.

Trainspotting1984 · 19/02/2017 09:33

I think people are being quite hard on OP. How much is it too much to expect that your husband, who you live with and are closer to than anyone else, should speak to you?

I can see both sides- I have work stress and it does manifest in wanting to sleep or fiddle with phone rather than engage. But that's no excuse. I know I'm being unfair to my family though.

Adult classes are a shit suggestion. They frequently don't result in friends anyway, cost money and require a level of commitment that it doesn't sound like OP can give.

I think you need to talk to him OP- you can't let this go on for 20 years and realise one day your children have all left and you and your husband have been ignoring each other every evening for 20 years

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/02/2017 09:33

I do feel for you OP Flowers I went through a similar phase with DH when the DC were young and DH was working long hours. i agree with PartyPolitics ...

"So what are you going to do about it?
I think you have 3 options

1.Continue as you are in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage
2.Speak to your DH and tell him how you feel. You say Its just he doesn't seem interested in me at all. So tell him this, you can't fix this marriage on your own.

  1. Leave and take responsibility for your own happiness."

We did 2 and I suggest you do the same. Tell him you need a "serious chat", plan it for when he is not tired from work and tell him what you've said here. If you can't come up with solutions together then it doesn't look good for your relationship.

I can understand why he's tired and can't do much during the week but him ignoring you during meals and when on walks etc is inexcusable. Give him a chance to out that right but if he doesn't, I would be off.

Trainspotting1984 · 19/02/2017 09:34

(Cross posts with bitchpeas!)

EightiethElement · 19/02/2017 09:34

Exactly Bitchpeas.

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/02/2017 09:35

Also you ask in your OP "AIBU to think my DH is boring"

Well I think that should read "AIBU to think my H is either very tired or very rude".

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/02/2017 09:35

You said your husband "wouldn't be happy" if you went out. Yet, on his days off, he does his own thing.

That doesn't seem fair at all, does it.

Where are your friends, the ones you knew before you met your DH?

NoMoreAngstPls · 19/02/2017 09:39

But PPs have highlighted the limited choices available.

're AIBU, no OP is NBU. He sounds awful. But options are:

  1. Confront him and ask for change
  2. Leave him
  3. Accept status quo.

Imo ALL of these options would benefit from OP having independant time/space, and for H to get more involved with family life. Both can be achieved by OP not giving a flying fuck whether her H would rather her sit home every night whilst he ignores her.

There's zero point other posters saying how their Hs would never do this.

ivykaty44 · 19/02/2017 09:42

Tbh op I would get a few interests, join a book club, find a club on another evening in the week.

That way you get out of the house and become a less boring person with a bit if a life outside of the home.

Marriage goes through monotonous periods, yours is doing just that.

Why don't you eat together? Is it due to your oh not talking at dinner?

BToperator · 19/02/2017 09:43

The problem is that you can't change him, you can only change yourself. If you have spoken to him, and he is not willing to do anything about it, then there is not much more you can do. That is probably why people are suggesting you go looking for adult company elsewhere. If you are not willing or able to do that, then you are stuck with the options of put up with the status quo, or split up, and look for a better relationship elsewhere. Although in the short term that would leave you with less money, and no company at all in the evenings.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:45

I know there's not much I can do.

But I reserve the right to be fed up of it without lectures about evening classes.

OP posts:
coffeetasteslikeshit · 19/02/2017 09:47

You seem very isolated OP. The situation with your DH sounds miserable. I hope you don't have sex with him when he's making you feel so bad?

I would speak to him about it, lay my cards on the table and tell him that unless things improve the marriage will not last.

It sounds to me like you both need to put some effort in though.

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