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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my husband boring?

255 replies

mosart · 18/02/2017 20:57

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:52

why cant you still do all of that

Because of children, and money, or lack of money lol

DJ maybe we have opposite povs on this but I want to know about his colleagues and work, not in intricate detail but just not feel like he's a stranger.

ACloud because at the risk of being accused of being boring, I don't want to learn Spanish or painting. And plus ok I do that once a week for one hour. How about the other 83 hours or so I am awake and conscious for?

OP posts:
HeadDreamer · 19/02/2017 08:53

It really does sound to me you need to find your own social circle. If he is working long hours weekend is put for excitement either. It's time to wind down to face another weeks of work.

But if he has a weekend off we do nothing. If we go for a walk or something I feel he just ignores me.

I don't find I have properly unwind until summer or Christmas with the long holidays. Every week is a rush and I barely felt rested by end of Sunday. And we don't do anything planned really. This is reality for people who work full time.

I think the other posters are right about asking if he is a good husband otherwise. Do you find him controlling, financially or emotionally abusive? If it's just boring then it's just he works too much and need time to wind down. You also don't help your situation by not finding some hobby and your own friends to go out with. He will be at home in the evenings so you can go out then too and no baby sitter to pay.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:53

kate if I eat with him he just sits there looking at his phone or reading

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:54

believe me. He would not be thrilled if I kept disappearing evenings with a new social circle to party with.

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 19/02/2017 08:55

YABU, he works long hours, how can he do that and come in all peppy and raring for weekend activity? Most long hour workers need their little bit of free time for recovery. Do you work as well?

PeachBellini123 · 19/02/2017 08:55

I can see both sides. I was unemployed a few years ago when we both moved to a new city. I was so isolated and wound DH up by wanting to talk as soon as he got in the door.

Things improved once working and making new friends...now I'm the quiet one in the evenings as I need to decompress after work!

OP can you start going out in the evenings while DH looks after the children? It'll mean you get time around adults and might give you more to talk about.

user1471545174 · 19/02/2017 08:56

X-post HeadDreamer. It really is the reality. I don't think people understand.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/02/2017 08:57

Maybe you need something like an evening class? So you can meet new people. Or start going to the gym again.

Anything to break up the monotony.

bakingaddict · 19/02/2017 09:00

Can you organise nice things to do at weekends for the whole family. By all spending time together it might give him more opportunity to communicate otherwise it may be that you have nothing in common apart from the children and only you can decide if that's enough to keep you in this marriage
It's not the lack of conversation that would bother me so much but the fact he's disengaged. My DH gets home from work about 9.15pm but we still chat and watch a box-set together in once the kids are in bed. Working till late is not an excuse to ignore someone

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:00

honestly ... it's not that I'm jumping on him expcting him to go clubbing. and he has always worked these hours. It's not something new. Its just he doesn't seem interested in me at all. And doesn't show any interest if I try to talk to him.

He literally comes in, he gets changed and showers, he eats, he sleeps, he reads, he comes upstairs, he wants sex, he sleeps. repeat.

On his days off he goes and does his own thing.

I don't want an evening class or gyms, Actually I do go occasionally but itsnot that that will bring any sort of real meaning here

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DJKKSlider · 19/02/2017 09:05

Op.

Why I it when people re suggesting possible solutions you justify why they wouldn't work?
Its almost as if you just want to moan and moan and do nothing to sort it, that's fine, but what's the point of anyone offering advice?

Do you want everyone to stroke your hair and say 'there there'?

Its simple.
Either change things. You can try to tell him how ypou feel but you may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself. (That doesn't include going arguing with new friends. Go for a walk, meet a chum for coffee. Take kids to groups, softplay, swimming whatever)

Or you can keep going as they are and appreciate he works hard and give him space to process work day.

Or you can leave, leaving is always an option.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:08

Because the solutions won't solve anything.

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ExitStage · 19/02/2017 09:08

I totally get where the OP is coming from. She's at home all day with no one but the kids to talk to. For whatever reason she possibly doesn't really get to talk an adult other than in the supermarket to say 'Yes please, can I have a 5p bag'.

Husnband then comes home who has been chatting to work mates all day, says one or two words but really doesn't want to chat as he's been doing that all day. He possibly isn't that interested in her day and falls asleep.

The next day is the same

How to get out of that rut with little money for the OP to go out is the difficult thing.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/02/2017 09:09

Unless you break the cycle nothing will change. Otherwise you'll just continue to be nothing other than a sexual appliance. So basically you only exist to him when he wants sex? Do you get a say in anything, because it sounds very one sided.

haveacupoftea · 19/02/2017 09:10

Great point from slider about reliving your day. DP never asks about my day, and i'm glad because I don't want him to. It's boring enough sitting at my desk I can only imagine how boring it would be for him to listen to.

Anyway you need to shake things up yourself because it sounds like you literally do nothing. Your husband leaving isn't going to suddenly make life more interesting, you need to do that yourself. You only get one life FFS go and live it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 09:11

It sounds like you've given up, tbh. People have suggested loads of free options that don't require a babysitter and you've rejected all of them Confused

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:13

Thank you Exit

the thing is, not talking to anybody doesn't mean, I am always in on my own

so I go to the gym where I go in and show mycard and say hi and smile and exercise alone and go home

I go for a walk alone. I walk all the time sometimes I am surprised I have any legs left at all. Walk to the supermarket back again, take the dog out, yes I do meet people and have a chat

I go to soft play where I sit and I watch the children play alone

people saying I need to meet people are miossing the point I can't take peope I meet home, I can't discuss how these children we made are saying a few words and walking a bit I can't discuss how high the mortgage is I can't have sex with them

and then "you are ignoring helpful advice OP, its all your fault" ok then

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:13

bECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DO AN EVENING CLASS, HOW WILL THAT HELP ME FEEL LOVED

OP posts:
Bravas · 19/02/2017 09:14

Your husband sounds like he has 'checked out' to me, to behave like this day in day out, surely isn't a normal relationship.

I get the tiredness in the evenings, but every weekend too and doing his own thing on his days off as well...

Why wouldn't he like you going out in the evenings, if he isn't going to interact with you anyway?

I think you deserve a better life, you are stuck in this rut too. You need to carve your own life, there must be some class or group you're interested in or volunteering? It might only be a few hours a week doing it, but it will give you something else to think about, look forward to etc.

You can change things.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:16

sorry pressed caps lock

maybe best leave the thread, everyone thinks I want advice on getting out with small children, and I don't, I'm sorry, this is why you all think I am ignoring helpful advice, I'm not its just not hepful to me

OP posts:
DJKKSlider · 19/02/2017 09:17

Since when does it cost money to meet a friend for a walkmin the park?
Since when does it cost a lot of money to ring a friend an invite them over for a chat?
Since when did it cost to go to free parent nd child groups?
Since when did they charge to walk from your house, through towns nd countryside and then home again?
When did they start charging for using playgrounds, fields, woods, museums, libraries, feeding ducks, etc etc.

There's plenty to do that cost zero.
OP basically sounds like she's the issue. She wants change, is unwilling to make change.

Throiuought this thread, op has revealed:
She doesn't drink
Doesn't have a TV
Doesn't read
Doesn't do mummy friends.

No wonder she's bored.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 09:17

But people have suggested other things - board games, box-sets, dinner at the table without phones, a bath/shower together, walks as a family, exercise DVD's, documentaries - there's loads of stuff you could suggest doing for free but none of them seem to interest you!

bakingaddict · 19/02/2017 09:18

If you want to leave your husband then you can. If your marriage is unsatisfying go now rather than wasting another 20 years like this. Life is too short to feel unloved. I'd rather be single than in a loveless marriage

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:20

you do know its not me on my phone Hermione? :)

its not that they don't interest me its that they don't interest hm.

dj do you think you could do me a favour and go? Because your advice might be helpful to someone who said "hey I am looking for things to do and I like reading, films, drinking and eating."

I do like reading but I don't get much of a chance with a 1 yo.
We've never had a TV
I don't drink because my parents were alcoholic and it killed them
I don't do mummy friends because all the groups are too far away and Ive no car

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 09:21

anyway whatever really, it's just weird how its him being so rude and impersonal but I'm the boring one because I'm not necking bottles of gin down my neck

OP posts:
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