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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my husband boring?

255 replies

mosart · 18/02/2017 20:57

He works long hours. When he comes in he just sits in his pyjamas and dressing gown reading. He often dozes off in the evening then he doesn't sleep well at night and sits up reading or watching documentaries. He is a good man, but AIBU to be bored with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 07:31

I will never know why people get annoyed but anyway we don't do eating together, that's all. If I thought he'd speak to me I might be more up for it.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 19/02/2017 07:36

Once a week eat together after the children are in bed, maybe a take away so you don't have to cook. Then put away the devices and talk to him as though you were out.

Plus see if you could save up for a babysitter once every couple of months. Local fb pages are a good place to get recommendations or if children are at nursery the staff there are frequently keen to earn extra.

If they are at school/nursery you could also ask him to take a day off and go out for coffee, breakfast, lunch etc

It's not about doing something every evening but now and then, regularly, prioritising your relationship as a couple

Ellieboolou27 · 19/02/2017 07:37

mosart not trying to sound mean but from your responses you sound pretty boring too tbh.
Have you no interests of your own? Reading, gym, no non "mummy" friends to go walking of an evening with or to a bar / cafe to have a NON alcoholic drink with? Dh can babysit, or you can actually try telling him how his behaviour is making you feel, maybe his bored with you too.
Me personally finds anyone over the age of 12 who says "I'm bored" a bit boring, but then I like my own company and am not a needy type.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 07:44

I used to like reading but I find it difficult to concentrate now.

I don't really have any friends I can go out with no. Not because I don't have any or because I'm a horrible person but because they are all spending time with their partners in an evening, we sometimes have lunch/shopping on a Saturday but not evenings during the week.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 19/02/2017 07:53

So, without TV, friends and reading what do you like to do?

it sounds like you want him to be your entertainment. Absolutely fine for extroverted types but less so if you're not.

Megatherium · 19/02/2017 08:01

You really need to sort out babysitters so that you can have some time together. Also think about something like classes or a book group you can do just for you for, say, one evening a week whilst he has the children.

skerrywind · 19/02/2017 08:03

It sounds as if you are bored and looking for him to entertain you.

You are possiblt boring company to him.

What do you do with your life that is interesting and would be fun to talk about?

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:06

It's not that though. I mean we have done fun things but there are only so many times you can say remember when ... But he doesn't seem interested in anything I have to say so I stop trying and he won't tell me anything about his day either. We really don't have anyone to babysit and just can't afford it.

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 19/02/2017 08:11

Just a thought.could he be depressed...

skerrywind · 19/02/2017 08:12

What goes on in your day OP?

Megatherium · 19/02/2017 08:12

Can you go back to work? It would give you a bit of spare cash which might help you pay for babysitters, and give you something more in your own life.

daisychain01 · 19/02/2017 08:19

Maybe you have to accept neither of you are conversationalists. Likely you are both caught up in the daily churn of child care and earning a living which can grind you down and sap you of the energy you had before all those responsibilities.

Somehow the two of you need to come to some agreement about where your relationship is going. It's a joint problem but at the moment you seem the only one bothered about it.

Can you sit together and share your concern with him, say you don't have an answer but that you need to work as a team to get things back on track again. See how he reacts. If he cares, hopefully it will be a wake up call.

Shockers · 19/02/2017 08:21

I dread to think what DH could write about me on this thread. I'm often in bed and asleep by 8:30. I do get up about 4:30 to make lunches and dinner, but I just haven't got the mental or physical energy to do anything after a day at work (I work in a PRU).

Thing is, we find other times to have fun together. I work mon-thurs, he works weekends (out of the house) and weekdays from home). We spend Friday together while the children are at school.

It's not everyone's ideal, but it works for us.

Could you find a few hours when he's not so tired, OP?

daisychain01 · 19/02/2017 08:24

there are only so many times you can say remember when ...

That's really sad, OP, because you should never be bored talking about happy memories.

The things you do today, now, could become those very things you look back in the future and go "ah remember when .. "

DH and I do it all the time and believe me, they are the most "mundane" things imaginable and didn't even cost us a penny, but they are things we smile about. Try to get into that mindset with your DH a bit more.

bakingaddict · 19/02/2017 08:24

I don't think Mozart does want her DH to be her entertainment I see a woman who desperately wants to connect with her husband. Most couples do that by having some conversation together chatting about their work days etc etc. If her DH is totally shut down and uninterested in her then I can see why she feels this way. If somebody can't be arsed to find 5 minutes to ask about your day then I'd reassess the relationship.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:32

Tbh if we didn't have children I would have probably called time on the relationship.

He comes in from work, usually around 7 and I do get he's tired though. But if he has a weekend off we do nothing. If we go for a walk or something I feel he just ignores me. I can't really go back to work as wouldn't cover costs of childcare and he doesn't want me to anyway

OP posts:
southall · 19/02/2017 08:37

He wants to relax and wind down after a long day of hard work.
You want him to energise you with conversation.

Ideally should have enjoyed your own day, and also be tired by the time he gets home. So when he comes home you should both be relaxing together.

If you have been bored at home all day, its unfair to expect him to make up for that.

When he gets home late you could make sure the kids are in bed, so you both get undivided attention together, eat dinner together...

You need to socialise during the day with friends and family, ideally in person but if not, then on phone for a few hours .

disappearingfish · 19/02/2017 08:38

What did you do together before you had children?

morningconstitutional2017 · 19/02/2017 08:39

Oh dear. Is he basically a good man despite your boredom? I can understand your feelings but try to remember he's working these long hours to provide for you.

Could you make sure that weekends/holidays are spent doing something together? Even if it's only a walk/picnic in the park/meal out.

Boredom may seem harmless but can dangerously lead to extra marital affairs and break up - what may essentially have started off as a good partnership.

Original poster
mosart · 19/02/2017 08:43

We did have fun. We went to the gym, we went for walks in the summer and spring, we went away for weekends and holidays. We had enjoyable sex.

OP posts:
cariboo · 19/02/2017 08:43

Years of evenings on MN while XH fell asleep in front of the TV... Sad

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 08:45

Why can't you still do all of that?

DJKKSlider · 19/02/2017 08:48

My GF is similar by the sounds of it.
She works damn hard, long hours, many of them unsociable. Even today she's doing a 12 hour shift, coupled with travelling and she'll be out the house from 7.15am until at least 9pm.

I certainly wouldn't expect her to come home, tired and stressed and then expect her to relive her day just so I can feel spoken too. It wouldn't matter if she did tell me about her day anyway because I don't know her colleagues, I don't know her clients, I don't know her work lingo. Etc.
Her telling me,
"Brian was chalking client beth and he dropped his slider in the salting, we all laughed but Bethany just got a reticule and finished it without fuss"
I'd be like Hmm

I leave her to it. If she sits and says nothing, I sit and say nothing. If she wants to chat, we chat.
To me, its just part of being grown ups. There's only so much energy, sounds like he's wearing his battery down that's all.

IDismyname · 19/02/2017 08:49

I think you're relying on him to make conversation. If he won't talk, why not get yourself out once a week to an Adult Ed class? Learn Spanish, or quilting, or painting? Join a gym and go to a class? You don't need friends to do this, but you might make a few along the way.

Take the pressure off the needing to talk.

I only say this because I too have a DH who either comes home and rants at me about what an awful days he's had, or just clams up entirely.

I use my other friends to satisfy my communication needs.

Having said that, I suppose it sidesteps the marriage problem, and I fully support the date nights at home.

KateDaniels2 · 19/02/2017 08:52

Why cant you eat with him a couple of times a week?

Tbh you sound like you are bored of famiky life. Everything you miss is restricted because you have kids. It doesnt have to stop but isnt as easy as 'lets go away this weekend'.

If money is a tight it just makes it worse. Maybe he feels the same. I miss my old pre kids life too.

But you don't see particularly interested in attempting anything to try and sort this. Like eating with him occassionally.

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