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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 19:01

Bubblebed you only win if your Dh is paying maintenance to 2 prior families! Grin

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 19:02

Wow, he moves with some speed.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 19:05

Allthebestnamesareused Grin

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:07

Generous in that he was happy to pay beyond 18 and he pays other stuff
1900 is for the kids and spousal maintainence
No we are fine for money
I work full time as well

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 19:09

Give the boy a medal for helping out his own kids in adulthood Hmm.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:10

I saw the communications from the mediator
He deals with most stuff as she can't deal with
Her income is all in the agreement you have full financial transparency for the mediation

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:10

Is that a joke expat?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 19:13

Why, no, it isn't ,Mrs.

Quartz2208 · 17/02/2017 19:14

The thing is though how generous is 1900 if he earns 3000 a month it's huge if he is on. 6 figure salary and above its 30%.

I think you do need to stop seeing it as him being generous but him realising that she sacrificed her career for him and then he left her and it is because of that.

You sound very pragmatic, practical and no nonsense. I think that means you expect everyone else to be the same. She is clearly far more emotionally driven and is taking her time coming to terms with that.

Neither of you are wrong but I think maybe some acceptance of how hard she is finding moving on might help you. This is not about you or you fiancée but her going on her journey

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:15

I would like to do a poll to see how many other ex wives get 2000 a month and extra
He pays for lots of other stuff as well

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/02/2017 19:17

If so do a poll about the percentage of his take home pay she gets otherwise the amount is meaningless as there is no context

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 17/02/2017 19:18

She can't close the account with him signing a form agreeing to it. Why doesn't her get one from the bank, get her to sign it and do it himself!

WhiskeySourpuss · 17/02/2017 19:18

OP just a note - tax credits cannot communicate about a claim with anyone other than the claimant/s so your OH has not been on the phone to them to sort it out & any information that he sends will be discarded.

He also needs to contact any & all companies where his name is still on an account to advise them of the situation & request that his name be removed - or return to court for an order which would allow his name to be removed without her consent.

What is your relationship like with your ex-h? Are you one of those who think that all relationship splits are the same therefore you are comparing your amicable split to your OH's not so amicable split & are unable to comprehend that they are not the same?

PurpleMinionMummy · 17/02/2017 19:20

Which you are clearly resentful of. Take it up with your dp if you dislike him paying extra.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/02/2017 19:20

My 19 year old DS1 is upstairs. I still support him financially.

It's normal. That's what expat was trying to say I think.

DCs don't automatically become financially independent the minute they turn 18. Far from it.

spiney · 17/02/2017 19:25

Seriously Switzerland. Why would it be unusual for the Op to know some or all of those things. About her DPs ex? Jeez. Data Protection Act.🙄

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:26

No im well aware is I support my two at uni
Tax credits told him what exactly to send
My relationship with ex h is fine ta

OP posts:
BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 19:27

I'm in awe at the tax credits speaking to him about a claim he's not listed on.

Jesus, I can't even get them to talk to me half the time about my own claim that's eight years old. because I keep forgetting the bloody security information

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 19:29

I know I was suprised. They have it as an open case so I guess they want the info to get it closed. They listed the stuff .

OP posts:
WhiskeySourpuss · 17/02/2017 19:30

Tax credits won't have told him anything... unless he was with ex when she called & she verbally gave permission for him to discuss her claim after she had cleared security... however if it's a compliance check it's more likely to be concentrix who are now dealing with it & it usually takes a few hours days to get through to them

TitaniasCloset · 17/02/2017 19:31

I think you are getting far too hard a time on here OP, people projecting their own issues onto you.

Yes the ex needs to be more independent and get her affairs in order, she can't just sit back and assume your dp will bail her out of every situation and keep throwing money at her.

Yes the fact her parents have money and the amount of money she gets are issues, because it means that she isn't totally broke and panicking and can ask people to help her out while she adjusts.

But he has you now plus his children and he is doing the right thing by them so probably a good bloke. She needs to woman up and sort out her income I'm afraid. Noone else can do that for her.

I would be annoyed too op, just ignore the negativity.

GoosevonMoose · 17/02/2017 19:31

It's irrelevant how much he pays. When they divorced she was warded maintenance based on his income. My DH pays £2400 if it makes you feel any better and it's a joint lives order so she's with us forever at least financially!

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 19:33

Yes there is supposed to be full financial transparency in mediation.

As a result of the mediation and that transparency they reached a financial settlement that he and she was happy with.

You appear to be the one that isn't happy with it. However, it is what it is!

It is a pain that she hasn't dealt with admin stuff re accounts , but in one post you say he deals with most of her stuff because she can't. So HE should just deal with that too then.

Underthemoonlight · 17/02/2017 19:33

You can't compare with other ladies what they get off there ex's especially as it based on his income, everyone's situation is completely different and because your dp is a high earner he pays more maintenance same as him paying more tax. That element aside is nothing to do with you and the income after that amount has been taken off is your household income. You sound bitter and judgemental of this lady, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the ow knowly or not.
The timescale of things suggest otherwise.

I also wouldn't take what your dp says as face value he isn't going to admit he's been a shit to his ex wife he will picture himself in the best possible light. Stop attacking this lady she sounds like she has a lot of her plate health wise and you don't know her story. You come across as a piece of work quite frankly and not someone who can cope with an ex wife.

lalalalyra · 17/02/2017 19:34

the only way tax credits will have discussed it with him, without her there and giving permission, will be if they have a joint claim.