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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up with dp's exw shennanigans

263 replies

Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 16:33

I am really requiring a vent.
My fiancee and his ex split up 2 years ago after living kind of separate lives are are divorced.
We are getting married this year and live together in my house (I regard its as ours now) All good relationship between us etc is all great.
However there are major problems with his ex. She still has not taken his name off bills and has not closed their old joint account despite being advised to repeatedly by the mediator they had and her solicitors.
This has been going on since they split and has now culminated in the tax credits office stopping her payments. She did receive a letter asking for conformation that they have split which she sent back with the number of her solicitor. As if tax credits will phone solicitors and anyway surely divorce info is confidential?
Anyway today she is hassling my dp to pay her more money!!
He pays her 1900 a month in child support and alimony as it is.
She uses guilt tactics suggesting her kids will starve etc and uses them against him. He is quite an anxious person and it really stresses him out.
AIBU to think this is her problem for not doing what she should have? Clearly tax credits have a duty to check this out after all this time

OP posts:
TENSHI · 17/02/2017 18:24

Well I have a strong moral conscience, that much is true op, but don't most decent people?

I certainly woudn't be happy knowing that my happiness was the direct result of someone else's misery, could you?

Your fiance sounds quite a catch!

Where are you planning on going for your honeymoon?

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2017 18:24

Op why do you hate and resent her so much ? It's fairly clear in your posts you do and with a vengeance. What's causing you to feel like this?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:25

They were separated how have I made her miserable?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/02/2017 18:25

It seems that they were married for 25 years and she gave up working to be a housewife, sahm. In which case it seems the division is perfectly normal, she gets the house until the oldest child leaves home it gets sold she buys a new one. She gets alimony and child support dropping down to alimony when the kids are 18. Presumably because she supported him in his career. Nothing there says that she is being unreasonable or it's out of the ordinary.

Also he probably checked out of the marriage way before he did so he was over it at the time of the split, if indeed he did drive it and I would be shocked if he didn't. For her 2 years is a short time to grieve the loss of her life

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:25

You think asking for another 750 was ok? Considering she didn't provide what was asked six times?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:27

He's paying maintainence for kids over 18
Because he wanted to make sure they have a nice life
No doubt that's wrong too

OP posts:
TENSHI · 17/02/2017 18:27

You've been given good advice op, are you going to act upon any of it?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:29

I would like an answer to the question I've just asked
I said ages ago that my house will be protected to go to my kids
It's in my name only till we marry
I will update my will before then

OP posts:
BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 18:31

But why change that once you are married? Surely he has his own assets, and you'd want to protect your children's inheritance by not signing it over to him?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 17/02/2017 18:33

What does it matter whether we think she was cheeky or not though?
You obviously think it's horrifically out of order and nothing we say here about only hearing one side of the story or having some empathy makes a difference to you.
You need to have this argument between you and your oh.

CallMeMaybe · 17/02/2017 18:34

If she's asking for money then it's down to him to say no. If he's paying maintenance for his older children then that is his choice.

She isn't the problem here, he is.

You're holding her responsible for the decisions which he has made.

Wake up OP.

spiney · 17/02/2017 18:36

I don't think asking for extra money to make up for the form filling cock up is ok. It needs to be sorted out with the tax credits lot and not just made up by your DP.

I bet the ex is depressed by the sound of it. After all that upheaval I wouldn't be surprised.

Can't believe the negativity you're getting on here OP. What actual crime have you committed?

Janey50 · 17/02/2017 18:36

Bloody hell she gets £1900 a month from your DP? That was more than I got in a year from exH for my DD when we divorced!!

Original poster
Mrskeats · 17/02/2017 18:36

None as far as I can see
He did say no. Then looks like he's sorted it

OP posts:
NaiceBiscuits · 17/02/2017 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 18:39

As there is a consent order that is what he is legally obliged to pay her unless and until either she or he applies to vary it or agrees to vary it.

Therefore he is not paying over what he is legally obliged to pay her other than giving his child (over 18) some money too because he seems to be a good dad.

GTS · 17/02/2017 18:40

Wow, first wives club or what?!!

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 18:43

It is irrelevant how much maintenance any other person may have to pay or may receive on her. It will have all been relevant to what assets this couple had and what this husband was earning.

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/02/2017 18:44

Actually GTS I am a second wife but still believe he came as he was -consent order, financial settlement and kids! She needs to accept that and then she'll find peace with the situation.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 18:45

I'm both a first and a second (actually third) so do I win?

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2017 18:46

Op are you and your partner having financial issues is this what is causing your resentment of her?

AyeAmarok · 17/02/2017 18:49

It's like second wife bingo on this thread Grin

kingpin20 · 17/02/2017 18:52

If she won't close the account he can take his name off it by visiting the bank. Thats as good a closing it for him then. Same for utilities. He can ring up and remove his name. I am not sure she can remove his name, it has to come from the person being removed?
£1900 a month child support! Bloody hell!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/02/2017 18:56

*The mediator said the offer was very generous
*
Why was it generous? Is the equity a great deal more than his pension?

IamSwitzerland · 17/02/2017 18:58

This is really bizarre OP can't you see that?

How do you know what was said in mediation?
How do you know what your boyfriend's ex wife's bills are?
How do you know what her income is?
How do you know what her family are worth?
How do you know what her medical diagnosis is?
How do you know details of her communications with HMRC?

If you have access to these facts then someone is breaching data protection!

How do you not understand legal obligation vs gift having been through the divorce process yourself?

Also did I pick up there that you condone your boyfriend "broaching" this subject with his dc or was that meant that he would discuss with his ex because if it is the former you should point out that children of any age have no place as messengers between divorcing parents.

My advice to you is get your own solicitor, at a different firm from his, get some serious advice before walking down the aisle - I too expect to see you on the relationship boards very shortly otherwise.