For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

He has worked, he was laid off from his long term job, then got a Christmas job in Next, which is not easy to get so must have stood out from the many many other applicants. He's now very close to his exams, that should be his focus. It doesn't sound like he's putting the work in, but who knows what's going on in his head, he needs support from home and college.
I only have what OP has written to go off, but as pp have said, it sounds like whilst he's being supported in monetary terms at the moment, he's not getting emotional or practical support about his future. The message seems to be that he's not DH child so now that OP is with DH he doesn't have her support.

Money for uni and college for an adult might need to be results dependant? If he cant get the results, then you wont fund him?
I sympathise with you about the room. My ds has such a room, and I deal with it by never entering it. However, I'm confused, how does he sustain the takeaways if he has no income?
Have a chat with his father. Can you guys co-parent in a semi decent way?

Any kid who came out with this sort of crap:

"I need £20 for this, I need £30 for that"
"Did you buy Henry a McDonald's last week??? If so, you now owe me a fiver"
"You can afford to keep a dog but won't pay for my driving lessons"
"You can afford a holiday (a presumably family holiday which benefits everyone) but you won't give me a deposit for a flat (which will only benefit me)"

needs to fuck right off.

I wouldn't be in the mood to countenance funding this little shit through Uni either.

All this discussion about hypothetical Uni-funding and student loans in the future is, I think, pretty irrelevant. The little sod hasn't even managed to attend college for a full week SINCE CHRISTMAS. His attitude and his behaviour absolutely stinks.

He's 17 years old. His dad has said he's not going to support him. His mum has said she's not going to support him and why should his step dad support him. This might be financial support but what message is this giving a 17 yr old? I'm getting the message "we don't give a fuck about your future" so I'm fairly sure a 17yr old is getting " we don't give a fuck about you" from ALL the adults in his life. Now, as that 17yr old, what do you do? Do you tow the line, do your best and accept no one gives a shit but still treat the adults with respect and love? Or do you rebel a bit? Not go to college because what's the point? Answer back? Ask for money because that's one thing you do get at the moment so shows maybe your mum does still love you a little bit? Cry out for help the only way you know how, by attention seeking, even if it's in the wrong ways?
I know which I'd have done.

Why doesn't OP just shove the money down the toilet and get her DS to shit over it.
That'll be the same thing as wasting money on a person who can't even be arsed to go to college.
I'd tell him straight that I wouldn't invest a penny in someone with such little motivation and determination.
Tell him that if he doesn't pull his finger out no one is going to be interested in him doing any FE.

Don't know if this helps at all but my DD is at uni. She gets some loan and we give her some too. As a guide to how much to give her, we worked out what a student receiving the maximum amount of government support would be given. We figured that that was the bare minimum she would need to get through and the government expected them to earn anything they needed for extras, so we shouldn't be expected to fund a 'luxurious' life style either. She does get extra help, for example, when she was really unwell we paid for her to come home and I usually send her back to uni with some groceries. If we visit we'll take her out for lunch etc. We don't charge rent for the holidays but she no longer receives pocket money so if she wants new clothes/social life she has to budget or get a job. She worked in a nightclub during term time but, in the end, she had to give it up as the antisocial hours interferred with her learning. However, she now has bar experience so will try and get work in either the union bar or a local pub.

She can come on the family holiday with us if she wants but if she chooses to go elsewhere, she won't be getting a handout just because her younger sister got a holiday.

She will pay for her own driving lessons and can have money towards them instead of a birthday present.

Even before she left home, we have never expected to give her £5 because we paid for her sister to have a pizza or vice versa, it's roundabouts and swings and we know that overall it balances out. Perhaps you need to explore what he gets and what the others get - he gets phone paid, they don't. They get the odd Macdonalds, he didn't. Etc.

Sounds as though he needs a few home truths.

If he wants you to support him through uni, then he has got to prove that it will give value for money. IE: Start attending college when he should and stop bunking off, showing a commitment to learning and doing homework etc. You don't get money for nothing. Can you tell him that he has 2 parents and that he should be asking his dad to fund half his uni top ups.

Another thought, are you getting maintenance? Doesn't that stop at 18? Isn't that governments way of saying once you reach that age, you are no longer expected to be totally reliant on parental support financially.

Wow!

Nobody has said he isn't going to college - he's had some lie ins - it's hardly the same.

Nobody has said he isn't going to college - he's had some lie ins - it's hardly the same.

I thought the OP said he hasn't done a full week at college since Christmas?!

The OP mentioned that he hasn't been going to college.

'Who even considers letting a 17 year-old move in with his girlfriend? What do we think will happen next in that scenario?'

He'll be 18 if/when he moves in with the GF in Summer. Pretty hard to not let him. 18-year-olds can sign up to join the Forces and be deployed all over the world, moving in with a GF/BF is hardly a big deal.

My DD hasn't done a full week at college since Christmas. I checked. She hasn't missed anything. She is on track to pass. College is different often to sixth form.

My 17 yr old daughter does three days a week at college - pretty standard I gather. She also has a part time job. Sometimes she moans about stuff, sometimes she doesn't. Typical teenager really.

hang on a second here- this young man is nearly 18 years old. He should be expected to take a lot more responsibility for himself, IMHO. I agree OP should be prepared to support him financially to some degree.

As a teenager my parents paid for most of my clothes/basic toiletries etc and I had a small allowance but if I wanted extra I had to help out at home with cooking or housework, for instance- or get a weekend job. If I had demanded money every few days, I would have gotten pretty short shrift. I was not allowed to keep my room in an utter pigsty, it was not acceptable. I wasn't perfect, could be rude and stroppy at times and so on, and yes that is normal. However, some posters seem to have pretty low expectations of behaviour.

Some PP have said OP should be making her DS get out of bed to go to college, that SHE should be working out what loans etc he would entitled to so she knows what the shortfall will be in order the SHE can work out how much he needs. Utterly bonkers! If this young man really wants to go to university, he needs to start looking into it- what does he want to study and which university does he want to go to? What level of funding is he entitled to? How does this compare to living costs at his choice(s) of university? It is not up to OP to do all the leg work and then present it to him on a plate- this is his future after all. If he really wants to go to uni, then he would be doing this. I, and most of my friends, did this sort of stuff and it's really not that difficult. There's loads of information out there and not hard to access.

I think she needs to sit him down and explain she is concerned he won't even get into university if he doesn't knuckle down at college.

She could also agree an allowance whilst he is at home, and that is all he gets per month. If he spends it all at once, tough- he can either learn to budget or get a job to supplement his allowance. He needs to learn how to do that if he is going to leave home whether that is to go to university or otherwise.

And I think the young man's father should be expecting to contribute a share too- why is it all down to OP? If she has a responsibility to pay, then so does the other parent, surely?

Does his dad have holidays? Did he remarry? Does he have a dog? How come he gets to refuse to do FA but the OP is utter shite for not handing it all over on a plate and the stepdad, too?

So he hasn't had a job since his Christmas job, which would've ended at the earliest 2nd week on Jan. That's barely a month since he hasn't had a job! It not like hes lazy and just not getting a job, he's had 2 and his recent only just ended.

Just because he hasn't done a full week doesn't mean he isn't on track to pass, I'm not sure anyone does a full week tbh.

YANBU to be pissed about his shitty attitude but come on, surely you can see YABU about not supporting him?

Having been in a situation where a remarried parent is keen to let go of the responsibility of the older children from a previous marriage, I feel sorry for your son.

He is hurting and you don't seem to fully recognise this. It will affect your future relationship if you don't address this now.

You will thank yourself in future if you manage to repair this, it is not too late.

Looking at your own financial dependance would be a good place to start.

Hope you can work this out with your son OP.

pissy I really hope you are taking in all the posts asking you to see things from your sons side and ignoring the "helpful" ones saying he should "fuck right off" and he's a "piece of shit". Makes me want to cry.

Jacks - my view would be that if you don't guide and support your DC's ambitions, you can hardly be surprised when they don't have any, or when they lose faith in their ability to achieve them,

For contrast, we have 4 DC. The eldest, DS1, is 14 and in Year 9. He's in an independent school in Central London where all students are expected to do at least 3 A-levels and about 80 per cent of grades will be A to A star. He knows he is very privileged in this respect, but also because he knows we'll support him at every step of his education. He has no excuses and nobody to blame if he doesn't make the most of his opportunities and he knows this. He is 14 and already sits there googling starter salaries He has just chosen his GCSE options and is starting to formulate thinking about where he wants to be in his late 20s and how he is going to achieve the lifestyle he wants. We will not be putting him under pressure to pay rent during his A - levels because there is most definitely enough pressure already at his school.

There are some young people who do exceptionally well with all odds stacked against them and I don't doubt that. The reality is though, that most have the benefit of parental support behind them. There are more ways than one to teach DC to stand in their own two feet.

"Another thought, are you getting maintenance? Doesn't that stop at 18? Isn't that governments way of saying once you reach that age, you are no longer expected to be totally reliant on parental support financially."

Yes, but that is unless you go to university or other post 18 education in which case the student finance system says fairly clearly that you are expected to be - partially - reliant on parental support, including step parental support, depending on the household income. And that has always been the case. Perhaps the government could do more to publicise this early on - it does seem to come as a shock quite often.

Yes, ideally ds would be looking into all this and courses himself but in reality many dparents are offering a bid of advice/bouncing off ideas/encouragement at this stage. (Possibly too much sometimes! but that is another story....)

Alaia

I'm not suggesting he doesn't need guidance or encouragement. All children/young people need that! In my book guidance is not handing them all the information on a plate. It's being there to encourage them to look at all that is available, talk through options they are interested in, suggesting where they might look for information and so on. It isn't handing them all they need to know on a plate.

It sounds to me like you have done a good job with your son- he is independently investigating his options. And yes, that is partly because you have encouraged him.

However, I think there is a difference between guidance/support and OP being directed by some posters to force him to get up/go to college and do all the leg work with regards to finding out what funding he would be eligible for, for instance. To me, that's all wrong. By the age of 17, almost 18, he really should be well aware that he needs to get up and go to college- a few reminders that he needs to stick in, fair enough. Forcing him out of bed every day? I wouldn't. If he hasn't got the motivation for that, I would be tempted to question whether university is the best option for him right now?

As for the information relating to funding, again I think that is OPs DS's role. Perhaps OP should have said something along the lines of "you need to find out what loans/bursaries you are entitled to and what sort of contribution you would need from us and then we can sit down and work things through" by way of guidance but that is pretty much it. I would expect a motivated student to have at least thought about it though.

Off the point but from what I remember the loan paperwork will need to be in fairly soon OP, sure it was before Easter, so if he's serious about going, and been offered places you and he will need to get on with applying for loans. We did it online, Dd DH and I all having to fill forms in.

I'd say the lad needs a huge reality check and to find out how the real world works - he can't expect you to pay for uni when he can't even get his arse to college, and he can't expect handouts when he is capable of working. I'd be tempted to tell him it's time he left home and stood on his own two feet. He could try his dad, but it's unreasonable of you or him to expect a step-parent to fund his lazy lifestyle. If he wants treats he'll have to learn to earn! If the lad doesn't get his act together it won't be long before you have a 20-something/30-something layabout that's never worked, treats any unfortunate future partner like a bread-winning doormat and will always expect others to bail him out of whatever messy situations he creates. He sounds like a rude, selfish, lazy git - tell him you would like to be proud of him but at the moment he just pisses you off - and his father hardly sounds like a shining example. Good luck, sounds like you'll need it!

It sounds as though you are getting stressed for all sorts of reasons and perhaps need to take a bit of a chill pill. Life is very different now to how it was when we were his age and to be honest he may be feeling very anxious about what lies ahead. He is a teenage boy and as I understand it their brains are not fully developed until their early twenties. This combined with hormones often lead to them being thoughtless, selfish, moody.... I remember someone saying to me once that dealing with teenagers is a bit like dealing with toddlers 😀 (I have a 19 yr old DD and 20 yr old DS). Do you ever get the chance to have a reasonable relaxed chat with him about how you see the situation? Maybe on a car journey or on a walk. Is uni even the right option for him - it isn't for everyone. Have you discussed all the options? This is a critical time in his development and communication is key. Good luck!

Have you thought about how it may be like for him to feel he's not supported? It's not just money it's also emotional support