For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

[PissyBogRoll]

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

Why arent you asking his dad?
He is just telling you what he k ows you wont like. Its not difficult to pick uo the phone and say 'hi, our son needs your help too and lets talk about it.' Its called co parenting. Jjst because your son said his dad wont help him when he turns 18 doesn't mean he actually said it!

Miserable:
Rtt Op. has asked!
He refused. Not a lot she can do.

Child benefit yeah cos we can all afford to bank that every month🤔 most of us use it for what it's intended for to feed and clothe our kids.

DH and I were horrified when we realised that we would have to top up massively. However this has been offset a bit by the reduction in household bills and groceries cost when DC moved out.

I don't get your DH being so unsupportive to your DS though - doesn't he think of your situation as a family?

Your ex sounds awful - no wonder your DS is less than perfect when he has to cope with all this.

I earn more than the OP's husband, enough to pay 40% tax, but even I don't have a spare £100-170 to dole out every month to someone.

I've said before I think the university loans system is a load of horse shit, I don't see how the relevance of other adults earnings relate to what money you should get. It's not as if it's the parents earnings are taken in to account when the repayments need to be made, its the "child" who makes the payments to service the loan. Everyone eligible, should just get the same.

OP - I think this is all quite sad.
I get that 17 year olds can get on your last nerve. But rather than coming down to his level with statements like, "I'm not paying for this and that, why should my DH give him ££?", you need to be convincing him about the point of going to uni. Of course it seems overwhelming to him - he's 17 and just starting out fgs! You are the parent here.

Does he have a clear idea of what he wants to do as a career at the end of the degree? How realistic is this? Have you discussed his ambitions with him? If I were you, I'd be weighing up the different courses with him and trying to instill a sense of purpose. You should be the one enquiring about student loans on his behalf, looking at the cost of student accommodation, etc. How many hours a week will the course entail? How much scope will there be for a part time job around this? Help him to get the facts and see his way.

If all you do now is get into some sort of tit-for-tat over part-time jobs in Next, £20 here and there etc, you will probably find that he will be hanging round, stuck in similar jobs, and dependent on you well into his adult life. At 17, information is power. Help him to get a sense of ambition. Focus on the ways you CAN support him, rather than being obstructive by focusing only on the money and what you can't / won't pay for.

You can't compare the value of his education to things like holidays, etc. He won't always be a surly teenager. Do you want to give him a springboard for life, or are you happy to let him continue to mooch about with more limited prospects and maintain this disaffected attitude as an adult?

He will probably sense that you don't really value the importance of university - so why should he?

Why is he lying in bed until 11 when he should be at college? What are you doing about that?

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/02/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/

Depending on your joint income, the government expect you to contribute up to 5K a year for living expenses for each child at university.

It makes me really sad too alaia. I'm really shocked at the attitude by most people of "he's an adult why should you fund him" and "why should you give up holidays etc for an adult". He's not "an adult" , he's OPs teenage son, who, like most clued up teenagers, realises he's more chance of a better life if he goes to Uni. And OP, like most of us, is expected by the system, to help her own child to do this. We, and everyone I know with children at Uni, have given up holidays, or worked more hours, or just gone without some of the "luxuries" we had, (including cutting clothes budget etc so not really luxuries) Why? Because we want our children to have the best chance of the best life they can. I thought that was parenting. I didn't realise I was supposed to turn into someone else the day my child turned 18, someone who no longer cared or supported their DC.

'he's OPs teenage son, who, like most clued up teenagers, realises he's more chance of a better life if he goes to Uni.'

That's why he bunks off college and lays in bed until 11. Depending on what you study and your marks and work experience, you don't always have 'more chance of a better life' by going to Uni. For some, a skilled trade is a far better and more profitable option.

He doesn't sound motivated. And history? Sorry but going into debt for a humanities degree these days may not be the wisest move.

-you need to be convincing him about the point of going to uni.

Why?

If he was a motivated student who was turning up to lectures and getting decent grades, then maybe. He doesn't sound like he'd last 5 minutes at university at the moment and even if he ends up with a third and £35k in debt, is he really better off??

And how is a parent supposed to motivate an adult child at uni who doesn't even live at home (assuming he cocklodges with GF)?

Expat - well yes exactly, but that's the whole point. The DS needs support in finding a course and career path that motivates him, whether this may be an apprenticeship or whatever. Take him to the college campuses, look at prospectuses, weigh up the pros and cons. Get him motivated. Then focus on how you CAN support them. It's about attitude as much as anything else.

Who even considers letting a 17 year-old move in with his girlfriend? What do we think will happen next in that scenario?

Alaia5 You assume a level of control that is a fantasy. You cant motivate an adult who knows they are not up to the job but wont admit it. They'll blame everything and everyone else.

OP's son doesn't get up to go to college.
He can live at home and go to Uni.
His Dad isn't expected to contribute for some odd reason.

Does your Ex pay maintenance? I assume he is required to by law. Surely he could continue paying the same amount.

How do you know your DS slags you off to your Ex?

History degrees have very transferable skills - organising info, prioritising info, communicating, presenting info logically.

I don't understand this thread. The OP is supporting her son. He has a home and food and a mobile phone and a bus pass and an allowance, with frequent top ups. She isn't taking any of that away from him. What she wants is for him to not speak to her and her dh like shit and to not make expensive choices wrt where he lives etc and demand that mum they pay for yhose choices.
Yes, the system is unfair but if I was the step parent in this and my sdc was calling me a dick, I'd not be willingly handing over my money to them.
He needs to learn some manners.

Start by linking allowance/phone to attendance at college and behaviour at home. No extra top ups. You are just encouraging had behaviour if you reward him when he speaks to you like shit.

Once he obtains his place at uni, I think you should continue to give him what you do now, all the time he is attending classes and actually putting the work in.

And yy to trying to get child support from your exh. Your son has 2 parents and his father should be contributing. If he refuses, thrn your son needs to know that his dad is not doing his bit next time they both bitch at you.

OP have you spoken to college about his non attendance? Are they expecting him to pass his A levels? Have you discussed with him and them why his attendance is poor? Is he scared of failing so not trying? Is he just being lazy? Have you taken him round Universities offering the course he wants? Have you discussed career options and opportunities with that degree? Have you discussed other options to Uni such as higher apprenticeships? Have you shown him any interest and support?

Great post alaia5.

TBH I'm not surprised the kid had an attitude given the way he's talked about why would his step dad think of him as 'your' child? That stinks imo.

I also think it's no surprise he's not getting up for college given that no one has made a firm commitment to supporting him through uni (and it will take way more than money btw - kids need you to be 100% behind them emotionally too.)

Exactly Pigflew. Providing food, a phone and a bus pass is hardly the issue here.

"Spotty" CB would be approx 10k. That would fund three years contributions.
You don't pay tuition fees up front.
If she's spent it on her holidays...or if she spent it on clothes for him so she didn't need to defund clothes out of her income and therefore can have nice holidays...

I know it's a shock and harsh, but that's the rules. The govt could so easily change the age of majority back to 21. Who else did you expect to pay for your son? The taxpayer?

Apologies - OP's ex is paying £200 per month.

Is he legally allowed to stop when DS is 18 or leaves school?

he does sound entitled

I think most kids of college age work

my DD works which funds her weekends

She's just worked the whole of half term doing 8-10 hour shifts and is looking forward to a big pay day next week

I pay for train ticket to college, buy her everyday clothes and toiletries, she buys her make up and luxury items, and funds her own social life.

This is normal I would think. I work full time as does DH. We expect 17-18 year olds to contribute.

Even DS who is 15 washes our cars every week, vacuums the whole house twice a week and does the dishwasher every night - for his 10 quid a week.

No one owes you a living. This.....

My friend took her ex husband to court and he had to pay maintenance until her dd was 21 and finished uni.
I think that maintenance is supposed to carry on until the dc had finished full time education. If dd take a year out, or defer then they forfeit that.

Sorry I can't link - OP's ex is legally obliged to continue maintenance payments while DS is at school.

Once he has a place in HE it looks like DS can apply through a legal system for continued maintenance from his DF.

I'm not surprised you're annoyed OP - neither of the men in your DS' life appear to be supportive of him. That's not your DS' fault though. I think I would help him to continue getting payments from his father.

Why does his DF say he will stop maintenance when he's 18? Are you absolutely sure about this? Have you heard him say it?

x-posted

If I was OP's DS I'd be hurt and angry. What a horrible situation to be in.