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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

346 replies

PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:42

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/02/2017 22:45

But it's a moot point because you don't now pay your fees upfront. -you're not a UKIP supporter are you?-

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 22:48

Apparently his dad has told him he'll be paying NOTHING at all once he hits 18. Very fair, right?

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/02/2017 22:53

No it's not at all fair. If you're responsible for funding Uni even if you can't afford it then so should his father.

Oswin · 17/02/2017 22:53

Tinkly the ds doesn't have to move out for uni. Its 30 mins on the bus. He just wants to.

He could live at home rent free, get a small loan and a part time job and be living the high life.

He sounds like a cheeky fucker.

5foot5 · 17/02/2017 22:58

TBH if this Uni course is one he knows he can get on to already despite him putting in so few hours at college, is it really worth doing anyway?

I am a bit surprised at the posts where people say you can work 20+ hours at Uni when you are on a course with not many contact hours. Is a course like that of any actual value? One of the key questions when DD was looking at courses was the number of contact hours. Much below 20 were viewed in a dim light- yet they all seem to cost the same...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 23:00

No I'm not Space are you?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 23:03

5foot5 contact hours are a really poor measure of how well a degree is regarded.

Sherlock35 · 17/02/2017 23:04

I was living at home but that's pretty much because my parents would not have countenanced me moving out until I was safely married so...

OP, good luck with this. I don't think YABU at all. He needs to learn some responsibility and independence and that step/parents are not unlimited sources of funding.

Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2017 23:05

I certainly wouldn't subsidise him through UNI, only because you state he barely attends college when he should. Which means he's not going to be a good attendee at UNI either. UNI bleeds you dry because even with student loans, parents have to basically top up the DCs expenses, pay for their lodgings etc, which is fine if your DS is going to work hard at his studies and at least achieve something at the end of it. Sounds to me like he should forget UNI and get a job or apprenticeship. Too many go to UNI as a lifestyle choice rather than appreciating they go to study for a vocation or job.

Ciutadella · 17/02/2017 23:06

"Why is everyone so sanguine that it is the step father's responsibility to contribute to uni? Surely that shouldn't be an assumption of the state? Isn't it the parents, with parental responsibility, who should contribute? Step-parents have no parental responsibility unless they actively seek it."

Not sanguine, but we just know that that is the system. It is odd - and also odd that the state assumes the nrp will contribute nothing, I think - but that is how student finance has been set up.

Original poster
PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 23:09

It's a history degree he wants to do.

I want the best for him but at the same time I don't feel like I should ask DH to find my kids education when he hasnt paid towards his own kids. I spoke to DS tonight and told him I'll buy him furniture, buy him groceries etc but I simply can't afford to pay full support. He says he understands this and is looking for work once he hits 18.

His father is useless. Won't pay a thing towards him. He's currrrntlybpaying £200 a month child maintenance for him and his brother and I've suggested h continue paying DS's half directly to him once he starts uni but no - he's not willing to carry on paying yet I'm bitch of th century for questioning it?

OP posts:
paxillin · 17/02/2017 23:11

He probably doesn't want to live at home during his university course because you'd see he doesn't read, write essays or go to lectures. I teach medical students, almost all of the ones who can live with their parents. They increasingly try to go to a local college, too. It is a shame, they are missing out on an important experience, but at the moment it looks like he'd just not use that anyway.

Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 23:17

I want the best for him but at the same time I don't feel like I should ask DH to find my kids education when he hasnt paid towards his own kids.

OK, I get this, but the fact remains that your ds will get a smaller loan because of your DH. That probably seems very unfair to him.

Out of interest, why didn't your dh pay for his own kids to go to university? Did they not want to go? Did they get the full loan because they were living with their mum on a lower income? Or did he just not want to contribute?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/02/2017 23:22

No tinkly I'm not

Ciutadella · 17/02/2017 23:24

Dh has paid for his own dc until age 20 though op?

Though actually I am not saying i understand why it is the policy that it is dh's income and not his ds's nrp's that is taken into account.

Student finance has always been hard for students whose dparents won't or can't pay the contribution the state expects - in my view it should not be means tested on parental income once they're 18, but that view has precisely zero chance of ever being implemented I think!

Cherrysoup · 17/02/2017 23:58

Unlikely he'll get into uni given his crap attendance at college.

I agree with a pp, give him a fixed allowance and strictly no more. £30 every few days is a wage, not pocket money. You're enabling him, stop!

I don't think kids should work when exams are looming, but him staying in bed til 11 makes me think he's not flogging himself to do work, so let make him get a bloody job.

LagunaBubbles · 18/02/2017 00:10

OP I really don't think you understand that the amount of any potential funding your DS would get would be lower because of your DHs income!

witsender · 18/02/2017 07:59

So neither father is paying towards their child's ongoing education? Why isn't your DH helping his children? Have you recognised that his income means your own child can't access much help?

Ciutadella · 18/02/2017 08:15

"He doesn't have to go to uni, it isn't a requirement and if he does, I feel he should get a job and support himself through it with minimal support from BOTH his parents. Not just 100% support from ME"

The problem is, the student finance system isn't based on that view. Not your fault, not your ds's fault, but the system is fundamentally based on households contributing to their adult dc if the household has a higher income. That has always been the case, even when there were grants - they were meanstested on household income. Many people don't agree with that concept but there has never been much campaigning about it. Not sure why - perhaps because it only lasts a relatively short time. (Though it's not really that short if you have more than one dc going to university!)

I agree it is strange that nrps are not 'expected' by the system to contribute. Would be interesting to know how many couples agree when divorcing that the nrp will pay towards university, not just stop maintenance at 18.

Would you be able to go back to ft work op, now that your dc are older? I know some might (and will!) say 'why should you, ds should get a job'. It has been interesting to see this thread. There seem to be two schools of thought on this which will not meet!

greenworm · 18/02/2017 08:24

This link is useful in explaining tuition fees/maintenance loans/maintenance grants:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/education/2014/jul/02/how-much-does-university-cost-students-parents?

greenworm · 18/02/2017 08:30

Actually further googling has shown me the link I posted above is already out of date, as maintenance grants have been scrapped since then, and it's all loan.

Spottytop1 · 18/02/2017 08:32

If he wants to go to uni he applies for loans to pay his way and he lives at home .... or he applies for loans to pay his fees and gets a job to pay to stay away from home. This is what my 2 sons do.

I cannot afford to support them so they support themselves.

Also if he still wants 'pocket money' or phones paid for he needs to earn them through helping out.

Headofthehive55 · 18/02/2017 08:40

Those who say they cannot afford it - the give gave you CB, you perhaps should have saved that. Everyone can say I can't afford it -whilst busy spending it on a holiday - but it has been deemed a requirement, you know , like taxes!

I do wish they had raised taxes instead.

By living with your DP you disadvantaged your son, so you should compensate him.
Think of it this way. Give him his top up and you can say no more asking for extra - budget!

Headofthehive55 · 18/02/2017 08:41

The govt gave you child benefit...

Spottytop1 · 18/02/2017 08:43

Which helped towards the cost of caring for him as he grew and wouldn't cover uni fees anyway!

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