To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

I wouldn't want my child taught in a classroom where another child was out of control, hitting and swearing. I would expect the school exhaust every possible avenue to put in place a package of support for that child to prevent it happening before, in effect, shrugging their shoulders and saying "can't cope".

Like I said I don't want him at the school anymore and if he gets the EHCP he's out of there. Well he's out of there come September anyway whether or not he gets the EHCP and it won't be a problem with picks ups as my dd will be starting a high school that is a stones throw from our house.

They probably won't say they can't meet his needs unless the LA allow them to say it.

I agree that there will be a trigger. But there may well be many triggers (as I'm sure you know) and these triggers may be things that are unpreventable in a school day. For my DS things like lining up, sitting on the carpet or floor, using a pencil on paper (he can't handle the feel of pencil on paper), being asked to be quiet, being asked to speak in front of anyone else, having to choose lunch, not being allowed to choose lunch - many things.

In all honesty, not all things that may be triggering can reasonably be avoided by a school. DS1's TA became incredibly good at recognising potential triggers and trying to deal with the problem before it arose IYSWIM. Does your DS seem to have bonded with his 1-to-1 support at all? Is it just one person?

He has been hitting out oat staff and other kids, throwing things round the classroom, spitting, swearing etc. I know this isn't acceptable but I know my son as he wouldn't just so this for now reason. Something usually has to have happened to upset him like this and cause him to react in such a way.

Your son is putting other children in danger with his behaviour - yes the school has a responsibility to him, but they also have a responsibility to ensure the safety of the other children in the class, and if they can't guarantee that then they need to make reasonable adjustments, which in this case include reducing his classroom hours.

You struggle to cope one to one with him, so is it so unreasonable that his TA and class teacher might do the same? Yes I am sure there are more resources the school could have, but they cannot have every resource for every possible SEN that children might have, that is what specialist schools were designed for - to have the specialist resources to deal with challenging behaviour caused by SEN ... other schools might have more resources than your son's current school, others might have less, all that means is that certain schools are more suited to children with SEN than others, and that isn't the fault of the "lesser suited" schools.

They are dealing with your child in the best way they feel able to, and until he has his ECHP the school have to balance your son's needs with the needs of the other children in his class and currently that means that he needs a reduced timetable. Yes that puts more strain on you but school is not respite care, you don't get to send them to school so you can have a break, recharge your batteries from dealing with your DC, or decorate the house. Children go to school to learn and get an education, if your son isn't doing that and the other children can't get that when he is there, then the best they can do is compromise until a permanent solution can be found.

With you on the home-school book OP. That is one of the first things I suggest when there's a child with additoonal needs.

Definitleu should have been more communication.

She hasn't said it trumps anything TEN.

The woman is on her knees and has come on here to vent a get some advice. I don't know why people like you are sticking the boot in.

Fairweather cyclist....I don't think anyone is saying a sn child has to be left on the scrapheap. I don't know what the answer is, but surely it's not ruining the education of the other 30 kids in the class? Are there no schools by the OP that have a separate class for chikdren with special needs, that have trained specialist support?

Mistress Merryweather....I really don't think TEN was sticking the boot in.

There is another thread where people are moaning about how terrible it is that reception starters are part time for a few weeks. Yet if a child has sn it doesn't matter about the effect on the family them not being in school.

Mumzypopz - to get a place in schools with enhanced provision for SEND a child generally needs an ECHP.
Once the school has gone through the ECHP process more support & resources will become available.
At the moment the school trying to provide for the child but without the funding and access to things that a child with an ECHP gets

No cream NOT shame on me

I have first hand experience of this, I have fought every professional body for the past two years to get my own nephew into a school suitable for his needs! He will be starting his SN school in Sept. I also did not want my nephew in a mainstream school, because not only did it bring the worse of his behaviour, he was also over stimulated and disrupting other children's education, Yes he has a right to education, but he has the RIGHT to the CORRECT education for him and the school he is at now, is not the correct learning environment for him, kids like this are stuck in the system until the powers that be say they need more intervention, sadly that comes at a price to all those around the child.

Maybe for you, you see one side of it, but I see the bruises, the wrecked classroom, the smashed ipads, the terrified children, the teachers with the black eyes, being confronted by parents as their child has been physically harmed at school, the playground stares, social isolation, my nephew losing control of himself because he cannot control his surroundings, and being so physically and mentally ill that hes been physically sick and soiled himself!!!

So No, shame on you for only thinking of one side of the horrid mess! I wouldn't want my child in this classroom!, All children and adults are affected by this, not just those child with SEN!

I'm sorry if you feel I have drip fed but honestly there's that much going on at the minute my head's all over the palace. Actually I've been in a similar situation with my dd When she was in reception a little girl in her class took a shining to her but as she was autistic she understandably struggled to understand boundaries and personal space so she would get in my daughters face and when my daughter tried to move she would hit and kick her.
This carried on for quite a while and whilst my dd was upset (she soon got over it and moved on like most little kids do) I took the grown up approach and spoke with her teacher and asked if we could set up an a little informal meeting with the child's mum. The mum must have thought I was going to let rip at her and she broke down crying . I told her that i didn't blame her daughter for hitting my daughter as she couldn't help it and the teacher agreed to get a small group of kids together every lunchtime including my daughter to do a bit of "play therapy" with them to encourage the little girl to play more nicely and creatively and to give my daughter and the other kids in the group a better insight in to kids who have Sen and why they react in certain way. I tell you what my daughter loved it and remained friends with that little girl until year 2 when she was eventually given a place at special school. So, what was the alternative me loosing my rag screaming and shouting at this parent demanding that her child stay away from mine and adopting the snotty attitude that the child shouldn't be allowed in the same class as my daughter?

NO Claire i dont have to imagine it, have you ever seen your husband set on fucking fore, and then you turn around and your 11 month old son is on fire, not just a wee fire, a full on ficking blaze!!!

so before you sprout ignorance on a keyboard for reading a fucking paragraph, think that the person writing it is a person and has a history!!!

My ds has never given a teacher a black eye or smashed computers and iPads. He's a tiny six year old not a teenager.

He's a tiny six year old not a teenager.

It doesn't have to be a teenager tbf.

Also I know that my ds doesn't go to school to give me a break, it's to get an education. But he's not even getting that at the minute. I asked school to send home extra work for him but they haven't bothered and I have to pester them to even send his homework and reading books home on a Friday but again they haven't because they usually only give them out at the end of the day. I have spent a lot of money getting sensory toys and educational resources so that he doesn't fall behind even more.

Fair enough but I'm just saying thinegs aren't at that point.

I never said he did becks, what my post was about, is that ALL the children need to be considered in this, not just the child with SEN, that was my nephew, he has a rare disability, but as his school advocat I didn't just see my dn side of things, I had to evaluate all of his educational needs in the school setting, and that mean't having to look at how his behaviour was affecting other children.

The local authority can make extra provision before an ehcp. They can arrange a special school place before an ehcp. They won't do it if the school say we are fine, we can manage etc.

Also, he was displaying these sort of behaviours in reception yet school did nothing. They told me he didn't need and EHCP or one to one support yet his behbaiour was bad and he wasn't professing academically. Is they'd have just requested extra support last year things may have turned out differently.

hence why after 2.5 years we have now got him into a that will be able to adapt and educate him, main stream school cannot do this, and I suspect your child will need a similar education setting.

Becks it took my nephew 13 months to get his 1-2-1, no fault of the school, the system is crap.

Exactly Spikey. There are two schools locally, one is a mainstream with a specialist unit attached and one is specialist. Both these schools will accept children without an EHCP but I was told everyone involved will need to agree that the school is the best place for my ds and that his current school will need to admit that they can't meet his needs. But school won't admit that they can't.

The LA issued the extra funding almost immediately after recieveing the relevant paperwork but my point is school should have requested funding when my ds was in reception. The Senco had already told me that the funding won't make that much difference as they are already doing all they can and my son is getting full time one to one support.