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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate school for backing me into a corner

399 replies

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 13:31

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

OP posts:

kingpin20 · 17/02/2017 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for disablism - here's a link to our Talk Guidelines Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 14:28

No I haven't signed anything to say I agree to the reduced timetable. We had a meeting last week and I have parent partnership already involved so they came along. Education told me it isn't illegal to do a reduced timetable whether I agree or not and if school feel the only alternative is a permanent exclusion then they are fully within their rights. We have another meeting in three weeks time and they said they will review it then but there is no way they will suddenly allow my son back in to school full time. The woman from education also said my ds may need specialist school, but whether that will be an option I don't know.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 17/02/2017 14:28

If removing him at lunchtime is an issue because he wants to stay and play with his friends, can things be amended so that he stays for lunch? Or is part of the reason for removing him at lunch because he can't cope with the unstructured time?

Scarydinosaurs · 17/02/2017 14:29

Have you looked at alternative provisions? This school does not sound like they can educate him. Have they spoken to you about a SEN school?

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2017 14:29

Ok so the school have the education and behavioural team involved and are giving him one to one support, and the LEA have approved top up funding yhat can't be used yet due to reduced time table.

I think reading your posts the issue is you need support personally, it's too much having him only do half days.

Scarydinosaurs · 17/02/2017 14:30

Sorry x post.

When the woman suggested a SEN school, what did you say? From what the school have been doing it seems like they would support you if you tried to transfer? Would you be open to that idea?

Original poster

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 14:30

You wouldn't want him in your child's class? Well I wouldn't want him to be educated alongside a child who's parents are so blatantly nasty and judgemental about children with special needs.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 17/02/2017 14:30

It's all well and good you saying they're doing bugger all and you feel they should chanhe the curriculum to suit. But sounds to me like the school are trying their best to put things in place for a child with challenging needs whilst trying to teach another 29 children who have the right to be educated in a safe environment.

You say you're exhausted having him at home for half a day and judge the school syaing you think they should have long list of adjustments for his behaviour. But often when there are addional needs a flexible timetable IS a reasonable adjustment as full tike school can be stressful and exhausting for a chils with additional needs. But its fine, push to have him in school where he can be overhwelmed and you can judge the teachers. As long as the decorating gets done and you have some quiet time.

If you're finding it tough for your own child then consider they have 29 other children and it sounds like they are doing their best to go through channels to get an individual plan in place. Once thats in place it allows schools to access off site provision as well as education other than through school. (E.g. i have some students who do 2 days a week at a charity unit who specialise in their needs.)

I think it's a stressful situation for you but don't think you can realistically be blaming school for this. They see childrenfor 5-6 hours a day and have got behaviour teams in, they trying to get an individualised plan so theh can keep your child being educated and avoid permanent exclusion.

Spikeyball · 17/02/2017 14:30

If they have now agreed to assess, I think it is 14 weeks as they have already done the first 6 weeks.

teachergirl2011 · 17/02/2017 14:30

He can be on a reduced timetable. It is called a PSP the School would not do it unless absolutely necessary. You must go along with this until he has an echp and then push for a specialist placement.

teachergirl2011 · 17/02/2017 14:32

The alternative is they could permanently exclude him. A part timetable is the best way forward in order to get a EHCP and a specialist placement where they can meet his needs.

Spikeyball · 17/02/2017 14:34

Ask to have this moved now. It will attract the goady disablist types.

MaisyPops · 17/02/2017 14:34

Becks84
I think what other posters are suggesting is that they would feel very uncomfortable with their child being in a class where there is a child who displays extreme behaviour.

It's not about judging somebody for having special needs. It's about a safe learning environment.

Original poster

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 14:34

If I genuinely felt school had done everything they could to help my son then I wouldn't even question the reduced timetbske but honesty they have done nothing. I have been treated terribly, had to put up with bad communication, cock ups with him being to refered to services and they even messed up the EHCP referral so I had to g ahead and do it myself. Like I said I went to visit other schools and the provision the had was so much better than his current school. They had nurture rooms, sensory spaces and a garden, lots of special educational needs toys and resources, a buddy system, etc, all of which my ds's school do not have. The heads also told me that they do not enforce reduced timetables nor have they ever done as in their option they do not work.

OP posts:

Claire3346 · 17/02/2017 14:34

Sounds like the school is failing him big time. I would get him out of that school soon as poss while he's still young. And into another school to start fresh.

gamerchick · 17/02/2017 14:35

Yeah we need to tuck them away out of sight of normal people eh kingpin? Coz it's reet easy to access specialist support and all that.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 14:37

How does a 6 year old know swear words?

I expect he's left the house at some point in his life

The OP said her DS has SEN

She hasn't said he's deaf...

MsJamieFraser · 17/02/2017 14:37

Tbh I wouldnt want my child in your sons class, and I not mean that in a bad way, you yourself are struggling with your child's behaviour, and can you imagine that behaviour on other 6 year old children, as they are seeing violent and bad behaviour, I think the school is doing whats best for your son and also that of the other pupils within the class room setting.

Has your son seen a consultant, and what state is the ehcp at, does he have one2one in the classroom?

creampinkrose · 17/02/2017 14:38

Maisy

No. That is about judging someone with special needs, actually.

quirkychick · 17/02/2017 14:38

I think the key to this is that they have not put things in place to help him access the curriculum. I think the Disability Discrimination Act comes under the Equality Act now, but he is still entitled to reasonable adjustments. My dd2 had lots of tantrums and missing school in Y1, putting in a visual timetable so she knew what was happening pretty much sorted it out. The class teacher's attitude would bother me, that she wasn't prepared to help him, his behaviour is probably linked to this.

I know how you feel about the part time, it feels like you are doubly discriminated against, not only are you dealing with his sen you are being put under extra pressure, not being able to work etc. Some really good advice on here, contacting IPSEA, SENDING, posting on SEN boards too.

Original poster

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 14:38

The behaviours that occur at school so happen at home but they are dealt with. My son is diagnosed with ADHD and Odd and is still on the pathway as they think he has Asd too. I've been on four parenting courses that I chose myself to go on so that I can help myself help my son. I have adopted strategies at home that help but dependent upon the situation they don't always work. The behaviour isn't acceptable and I'm I no way saying it is but it's not as though he's been dragged up and allowed to develop into this unruly spoilt naughty child.

OP posts:

SockswithSandals · 17/02/2017 14:38

What are his SENs? You've only mentioned he hits, kicks, spits and swears..?

SockswithSandals · 17/02/2017 14:38

Ah X post with OP

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 14:39

Ok, but op, I mean this kindly, you say you're having your house replastered as he destroyed it, so it seems there is maybe more to this as he is doing it at both home and school?

I agree.

gamerwidow · 17/02/2017 14:40

In the short term are there any CMs with SEN experience locally eh could have him one of two afternoons a week to give you a chance to rest so you have the energy to fight to get him the long term supply he needs?

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