To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

If you think I am sticking the boot in then you have not read my posts correctly.

I regularly look after a little boy who has significant challenging behaviour ADD/ADHD/Aspergers as my friend, a single mother needs a break and works full time so welcomes a break from him.

In the wrong environment it is a disaster for all concerned 'hell' in your words op, but managed with plenty of foreplanning and forethought he can enjoy activities like anyone else.

If the T.A /school haven't found a way to engage with him (and they are usually have some sort of training) and your ds' behaviour is deteriorating then your ds is communicating to you that this is NOT a suitable environment where he feels safe and happy in. a

And it is certainly NOT a suitable environment for other dc to be subjected to.

A bit of empathy all round is what is necessary.

And taking on board how you can best help your ds rather than being angry with the school would help.

If you would like something more specialist, I would concentrate on pushing for that.

NO MsJamie sorry I don't know what f*ing fore is.

I get what you're saying. I'm due start yet another parenting course for children with Sen so I am trying. Like I said I have developed strategies at home and did start to see an improvement (before he went on a reduced timetable at school) and use visual timetables, Pecs, to help him to know what is coming next and we have a set routine for school days and weekends. I have informed school of how I do things at home so that maybe they could implement similar strategies but they haven't.

To be honest Spikey I wasn't sure at first whether my ds needed a specialist school or just a better, more equipped, understanding mainstream. I think now though that he would certainly benefit from specialist but it's getting the local authority to agree.

I'd like to think that posters who seem to be sticking the boot in are being misunderstood.

Of course all children deserve a safe, secure, and full education. Of course. But all children means children with SN, too.

Can't you just try, for one minute, to imagine how difficult it must be to know that this is your child's life forever?

Say your six year old is hit by the child with SN...your NT six year old will likely forget all about it and go on to have a wonderfully ordinary, relatively stress free life.

The parent of a SN six year old doesn't have the luxury of knowing that things will get better! Because the challenges will never stop coming.

A NT child is likely to make and keep friends, to socialise, to meet someone and fall in love, to travel, to work...

A SN child can too, but it's a hundred times more difficult and I'm sure his mum and dad worry sometimes that nobody will ever want him to play, that nobody will want him for play days, that his party invitations will go ignored or not reciprocated.

What I'm saying is; parenting is tough. I cannot fathom how much tougher it is for parents of children with additional needs.

So, yes, you want your child to have a safe environment. But a mother has come on, exhausted, stressed and worried for her child. I'm sure she KNOWS his behaviour is difficult. I'm sure she doesn't need it pointed out over and over and over again.

And if she wants to be stressed about decorating her house, fucking let her be! Do parents of NT children get a lecture when they stress about stupid things like burning dinner or what colour to paint the bathroom?

Parents of SN children are entitled to be annoyed by the little things just like everyone else. They're not superhuman. They shouldn't have to be.

But, anyway Becks I would push for a special school for your son. Because he needs to learn somewhere safe and accepting for HIM. Somewhere that he can really come on.

I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now

Have you been told this OP? and by whom?

EHCPs are statements aren't there? They can recommend a certain school if you feel that one will meet your Childs needs better.

Thank you x

The best thing we ever did for my DS was moving him out of a school which didnt have a fucking clue foggiest idea of how to deal with DCs like DS.

As your son is of compulsory school age he is entitled to a full-time education. A temporary part-time timetable should only be used in very exceptional circumstances to meet your son's needs, not to make the school's life easier. A part-time timetable (which is, as teachergirl says, part of a PSP - Pastoral Support Programme) or other agreement must have a time limit by which time your son is expected to attend full time or receive alternative provision. Whilst the part-time timetable is in operation your son should be marked as on authorised absence every afternoon. It would be interesting to take a look at the register. It wouldn't surprise me to find that your son is being marked as present.

This kind of action is often justified as avoiding an exclusion that would appear on the pupil's record. However, informal agreements such as the one you appear to have here mean that your son's true needs may not be properly recorded. It also potentially prevents the head from analysing issues, although it doesn't sound like this head is interested in looking at any problems the school may have.

Unless there is a formal PSP with a defined end date this may well be an illegal exclusion. The school may also be in breach of the Equality Act. However, it is clear that this school is not going to provide properly for your son. You need to get him into another school as quickly as possible. An EHCP will help in that the school named on the EHCP will have to admit your son even if they are already full. However, if a school has places available you can move him now.

In the meantime I would tell the school that what they are doing appears to be an illegal exclusion and you will no longer co-operate with that. Tell them that they have two choices. They can either regularise the position by putting your son on a proper PSP with a defined end date and confirm that he is being marked as absent every afternoon, or they can teach him full time.

Yeah the woman I spoke to at education said that it would be best to keep him were he is for now as the process is about to start and moving him schools in the middle of the assessment would make things more difficult. I am willing to keep him there until the summer holidays but it's a case of waiting to see if the LA will issue a plan as if they do I will name a specialist school and if they don't issue one then I can appeal it and will then move him to another mainstream in the meantime. Either way he won't be returning to his current school in year 2 x

Yes he does have a PSP which initially I was told would be for 16 weeks. However at our meeting last week the woman from education said 16 weeks isn't long enough, even through parent partnership challenged this and said it shouldn't go on for more than the time frame agreed. Parent partnership also agreed a reduced timetable should be short term ie no more than 8 weeks but again the woman from education piped up and said the school aren't in a position to take my son back full time in three weeks time.

Yes Mads, empathy all round would help.

I am glad to see Op that you have been going on parenting courses and have found strategies that have helped.

My friend struggles with defining boundaries for her SN son (there are none) and she is very indulgent and makes excuses for his behaviour rather than trying to find strategies that work and the sad situation is it ends up with my friend being exhausted and irritable with trying to cope with him. A vicious circle.

The Senco had already told me that the funding won't make that much difference as they are already doing all they can and my son is getting full time one to one support

Rubbish. SENs funding is fluent and cam increase and decrease throughout the year as and when needed. I was told this by an education solicitor who actually knew what they were talking about. If extra funding is needed to help him access strategies to cope. Then that's what needs doing. (Dont even get me started on the parenting courses).

OP. Whilst they do have a point that SNs doesn't excuse some behaviours, this is where you need to come back and them and ask them what they are going to do about it to help him.

When my DS plays up like this it's usually because there's something bothering him, he doesn't know how to communicate his emotions properly and it all acts like a pressure cooker.

I don't see why she shouldn't be annoyed with the school if there is more they can (reasonably) do and they haven't been doing it. So should the parents of the other children in the class be annoyed with the school too as through their inaction, their children are being endangered.

It doesn't work for every child with SEN but trying what can feasibly be done does work for some. And those options should be exhausted first - in many cases they're not even that difficult to do.

It sounds like they've been happy box ticking (getting the one to one, behaviour people in) but not actually making useful changes in his environment, or communicating effectively. As has been said, there's usually triggers and cues to watch for when it's SN, not "it's out of nowhere". Bollocks to that.

That said, it could well be past the point of no return now, no matter what changes, as he is in the mindset of that particular school makes him unhappy. As OP said, they should have done something sooner.

And I totally agree with what MadMags said. I've been on both sides with my children now. That's not to say it's okay for a child to be bitten/hit/whatever because of course it's not, but just that it feels very very different to have your child as the cause of it. And that's without even going into the adult school gate politics that result. Like we don't have enough to deal with.

Wow kingpin and MsJamie godforbid anything happend to your dcs and they end up with a disability or Sen! As yous are clearly not the caring considerat type.
I would like to see your reaction then if or when it is your child.
Actually Yous probably wouldn't care either way

No you did not Claire, however you read one paragraph and made judgemental assumptions, and because personal!, you have no idea about my history or what my background is, or if my children have disabilities!!! but yet to choose to made it personal!

You say I am not the considerate type, yet all you could comment on when I told you my son and husband my set on fire, was copy my spelling error

He has ADHD and Odd and is still on the pathway as they think he may have Asd too x

Hi OP, another parent to a DS with SEN struggling with the home decorating here.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position. The onus is on the local authority to ensure that your DS receives an appropriate education provision, so it makes me very angry on your behalf that this isn't happening.

I'll be honest, we ended up throwing money at the problem (lots of money) because we had savings that meant we could afford to and we had run out of capacity to try to navigate the system any more.

The other thing that we found helpful was the Independent Support service which the Department for Education gives the Centre for Disabled Children money to commission - the sole aim is to help parents navigate the EHCP process. I expect that it varies from area to area, but we had a very expert advocate (who was a disabled parent of a disabled child) come to our house and help us with the paperwork. You can find your local service here.

We also had a very helpful independent advice and support person at our council. I gather they also vary a lot, but ours was good. You should be able to find your local one here.

It is a hard slog, and I know how exhausting it is. You will do it, because you don't really have any alternative. Hope you get a bit of light at the end of the tunnel soon.

A temporary part-time timetable should only be used in very exceptional circumstances to meet your son's needs, not to make the school's life easier.

Amen to this. I got so cross for a friend of mine when they did this to her. She got told her DC was fine for years, almost like the school had forgotten that said DC will eventually get too big to safely handle in the same way they were doing. Evenutallt diagnosed and the child could only come in on mornings, it was purely to make their life easier IMO.

Sorry for the spelling. *eventually.

Funny how you should mention box ticking as that's exactly the woman from education said. It's all about jumping the hoops and ticking boxed but to me it's not x

Claire3346 Stop being so goady and get a bit of empathy.

Yeah the woman I spoke to at education said that it would be best to keep him were he is for now as the process is about to start and moving him schools in the middle of the assessment would make things more difficult.

I disagree with that lady OP. We moved our son in the middle of CAF meetings the lot. Didnt affect us at all and actually helped, a fresh pair of eyes meant things were picked up promptly and he received a wealth of support from agencies that wouldn't have given us the time of day beforehand. My favourite one was the behaviour team who originally came in to 'help me' because = 'poor single parent struggling with naughty child attitude'. Same team have now written to DSs Paed and refuse to entertain them until DS has a diagnosis.