To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

Have you signed something to agree ti the pt timetable? You need to sign and it needs to be registered with the LA (exclusion and reintegration team, ir something like that!) else all they are doing us masking the problem - making it seem as though he us being educated, when he isn't. Of course, if you refuse to sign he made be excluded, but at least they need to fulfil the basic legal requirement to log the exclusions rather than have them 'unofficial'.

Have you signed something to agree ti the pt timetable? You need to sign and it needs to be registered with the LA (exclusion and reintegration team, ir something like that!) else all they are doing us masking the problem - making it seem as though he us being educated, when he isn't. Of course, if you refuse to sign he made be excluded, but at least they need to fulfil the basic legal requirement to log the exclusions rather than have them 'unofficial'.

And contact parent parentnership service / sendias. They will help.

Op please post this in SEN board rather than aibu- lots of good advice there. : )

Should he be in mainstream school if things are that extreme? Difficult one as of course he is entitled to an education, but then so are the other 25 children in the class entitled to an education not being constantly disrupted by one child. I am assuming he is violent if excluded so much (correct me if I'm wrong, I am just assuming this based on your post).

I think if my child had been excluded that much and was not in a school that could handle him I would remove him and try to find a more suitable school or have someone come see him at home until he was a little older and could cope better. As you are not working right now you are in a position to be able to do this. Are there resources available locally you can tap into? Support groups or classes you can go with him? Sorry but your recharging of yourself might have to wait.

I can't imagine the stress of being in your situation, but instead of resenting the school you need to take things into your own hands perhaps and do the best you can for your little boy. You can do it.

I really hope something works out for you, it sounds like you have a rough time of it at the moment.

Why do you think it's ok for a child who is angry/violent enough to rip the plaster off walls to be taught with 29 other little children who might well be hurt/upset/damaged physically/emotionally by your child's behaviour with a teacher who is not trained to deal with such extreme SEN?

I cannot contemplate what it must be like for you op but surely you can see by the deteriorating behaviour of your ds that all the efforts the school have put in place are not working and so yes, your son is entitled to an education, but one that suits his needs and not when it causes so much disruption and distress to everyone else!

The Disability Discrimination Act doesn't exist any more. It's the Equality Act 2010 now.

OP, I know nothing about SEN or primary schools but one purely practical suggestion about the current structure of your day to help you feel less frazzled and give you more meaningful time while DS is at school - could you do your shopping online rather than having to pick bits up every morning?

This sounds like an awful situation, but school isn't there to give you a break and a chance to decorate your house, it is supposed to be there to provide an education for your DS and the 29 other students in your class.

He clearly wasn't coping with full time education, he doesn't appear to be coping with part time education. You need to forget the house decorating and focus all your energy on advocating for your son, and getting him into a suitable educational setting which doesn't appear to be the current school, and will probably not be mainstream education.

I do hope you get this sorted soon, for his wellbeing as well as yours.

Unofficial exclusions are not legal. If you dont agree to it they cant do it.

If you refuse to comply they have to either permanently exclude or cater for his needs - either way he will then get a solution that is more appropriate - the twilight zone of part time exclusion only benefits the school / LEA budget and they will let it drift on and on whilst your DC gets marginalised and lags further and further behind.

My DSIS had this suggested when her DS who has ASD started school. She told them that she wasn't picking him up and they had to find a solution. She was so cross she even suggested they ring social services if they didnt like it - they didn't.

He now has a 1:1 TA so he can stay in school and access an education. Yes he is a handful, but he is also a bright young lad who deserves an education, just like any other child

I doubt the school is behaving illegally it sounds like the school is trying to find a compromise before permanent exclusion and having the local authority to find an alternate educational solution, in the hope maybe it improves. They do need to look at the welfare of the other pupils too.

Have you spoken to both the school and local authority about other potential solutions?

Yes his behaviour has been really bad so i do know we're school are coming from. If I thought they had don't everything possible to help him I wouldn't feel so angry but they've done bugger all. They have got education and the behaviour improvement team involved but they should have been involved much much earlier before things got to crisis point. I was told that they should be making adjustments to how they teach him so that he can access the curriculum fully but they haven't . He has been hitting out oat staff and other kids, throwing things round the classroom, spitting, swearing etc. I know this isn't acceptable but I know my son as he wouldn't just so this for now reason. Something usually has to have happened to upset him like this and cause him to react in such a way. X

What has changed since he was in reception? Why do you think he is finding this year harder?

Surely he is entitled to an education and if the school feels unable to provide it then the LEA have to arrange an acceptable alternative.

What adjustments do you make at home to stop him spitting, swearing, hitting and destroying things? Are they actually reasonable things to expect the school to implement?

But it sounds like the op did agree as the head was clear the school would permanently exclude otherwise. They would then work with the la to find another solution, but they can do that.

It may be that the op's child is better off in a specialist provision but in that case the LA need to be arranging that. It can be done without an ehcp. The op cannot arrange it. What isn't legal is exclusion by the backdoor.

Make sure you leave a paper trail.

I'm sorry to hear that this is still happening.

OP, your situation sounds identical to mine with DS1 in 2002.

It isn't a case of school taking the piss because they know you don't work though. I did work and the expectations were no different. I had to give up work and, ultimately, give up a university place I had to study medicine. I was so proud of being offered a place as a mature student, and was heartbroken to have to give it up. I was even allowed to defer for one year but, as things were no better a year later, that went by the by too.

I would warn you against going in to school and insisting upon your rights to have DS in school full-time. As a PP has mentioned, this more than likely will lead to a permanent exclusion. They cannot exclude on the basis that they cannot cope - but they can exclude if they feel that DS' behaviour is in any way harmful, dangerous etc. etc. to other pupils. From what you have said, I'm sure that the head could make that case if they wanted to.

Did DS cope OK with Reception year? With DS1 he definitely had better years than others - which essentially boiled down to the individual staff members' ability to handle him.

I can't tell you whether another mainstream school would be any better. From my experience, the same problems will eventually crop up. The only thing that enabled my DS1 to be in school full-time was the provision of a 1-to-1 dedicated TA and an excellent SENCO at a new school.

He had to be permanently excluded from one school before any of that was agreed however.......

Just to try and add a silver lining to your cloud - DS1 is now 19, almost 20, and is studying for a BSc degree. He never did cope well with the school environment, but that hasn't stopped him becoming a lovely, responsible, kind, calm adult. He still has social anxieties (which was, incidentally, where the behaviour stemmed from - no concept of rules, expected behaviour etc.), but tends to go the other way and behave better than expected nowadays! His diagnosis, when it eventually came, was Aspergers.

You do have my complete sympathy OP. It's so hard to know what to do in this situation. Your decorating really can wait though. Don't put more eggs in your basket than you really need.

Something usually has to have happened to upset him like this and cause him to react in such a way

The school have already said that the next step is permanent exclusion - look:

We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

You need to stop being so passive about all this OP. Sounding off on MN and complaining that the situation is interrupting the decorating of your house is really not sufficient. Go to the SEN boards - there are lots of parents on there who are old hands at advocating for their DC and will be able to advise you, but you're going to need to step up.

I know that there are other children to consider. The woman from education abruptly told me that he's causing the other children to kiss out and tried to make me feel guilty. But what can I do? They said they want him on the reduced timetable until at least April but we can't carry on like this. I also have a dd in year six so I'm back and forth dropping off and picking up which is taking its toll and when I go to pick him up at lunchtime he meltdowns and it usually carries on all afternoon. I take him back with me at 3.30 to pick my daughter up and he kicks off again swearing and screaming in front of all the other kids and parents and hits kicks and spits at me. Even though he says he hates school some days he's so upset that he has to come home and can't play with his friends on the play ground. Plus he's missing out on his education which is worrying x

Whatever you do DO NOT de register him. If you do this then they are off the hook regarding having to cater for his needs. If he is excluded then the LA has to work with you to find a suitable alternative school - permanently excluding a six year old isn't nearly as easy as the head would suggest

He has been having one to one support since Septemebr and has just been awarded top it funding from the local authority. But as he's not in school full time that extra ten hours funding isn't be used on him. The LA have just agreed to assess for the EHCP but as they refused initially the 20 week timetable has started again which will take us up until July when he'll be break if up fr summer. I don't want him to return to the school in Septemebr so if the La do agree to issue a plan it's going to be rushed as I want another school naming.

I always find it interesting on these threads that someone always says "you have to sort out your child, it's not fair on the other children in the class".

So it's fine for your non-SN child to receive an education, but a child with SN is just to be left on the scrapheap? The school has no responsibility? I'm shocked a teacher is saying that.

ALL children have a right to an education and it's not down to the OP to sort it out, when she would not have to sort it out if her child didn't have special needs. The HT in this school should be banging on all sorts of doors to find options for this child. Yes, the OP should too, but the HT is the professional, with the contacts.

OP, I agree you should ask for this thread to be moved to SN.

Schools CAN legally put in place a reduced timetable. I suspect the next option they could put in place is a managed transfer to another school. It sounds like they are exhausting all avenues. What is his SEN?

Are you saying I'm neglecting my child? Honestly I meet every single need he has but what I was saying is that the last few weeks have taken their toll and I'm having to make that extra bit of effort to make sure I can juggle everything, where as before it came effortlessly.

Good grief, some horrible replies here.

You lot DO know you can't punish the disability out of a little boy, yes?