To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

The school could admit they can't meet his needs. But they won't. The LA could look at the fact he is only in school for 15hrs a week and tell the school they aren't meeting his needs. But they haven’t.

If the OP moves her DS now it could royally screw up the EHCP process. Going to a tribunal can end up very costly for parents. LA's have access to legal teams. Out of school, the OP would probably need to get independent reports by an Educational Psychologist etc. I was quoted £2.5k for a private assessment. I hate to think how much it would cost to have as a professional witness at a tribunal. It's easy to say you would fight tooth and nail but frankly not everyone can afford to.

Some of the posters here are frankly delusional.

Good luck OP - ds1 was in school for 2 hours a day for most of reception & it near killed me. He had full 1:1 as well. They did at least accept he had to be full time the term after he was 5, (so sept year 1). He lasted a term then we managed to get him into special school thank god.

I would say don't worry about the plaster (we have holes in all our walls - it ended up being pointless fixing them).

Do talk to IPSEA xx

This is a horrible situation for everyone.

I wonder if the school has been unable to find a suitably qualified TA to work full time with the little boy. OP says he can be violent - teachers, TAs and DCs have a right to feel safe in the classroom and this could be why he's on a part time timetable. If no one is prepared to work with him I don't know what the school can do, apart from keep looking.

When I was supply teaching I worked for a term as a 1 to 1 with a boy who could be violent and aggressive, wrecking classrooms, tearing things off walls and attacking people when he began to feel anxious. This was in a specialist school. His triggers were numerous and utterly unpredictable sometimes. Sometimes he was fine if I just encouraged him out of the classroom when he began to get angry at other times we had to get the other DCs out while we tried to calm him.

It's all very well saying he has a right to a full time timetable but the means have to be there to provide it.

I feel so sorry for everyone, especially the little boy. He must be very unhappy.

If the placement is an unsuitable one, the local authority can move the child to a suitable one. The OP has said she wants a different school. The present school are saying they can meet his needs either because they don't want to look shit or because the local authority won't allow them to say otherwise. The local authority are happy because they are not having to cough up extra money for 2:1 support or a specialist placement.
Sometimes the best thing (in the long run) is to insist on your rights which forces the local authority to do something.

January moods - my son is 17 and shows distressed behaviours (a much better description than 'violent'. He has 2 TA's who are happy to work with him - they were employed specifically to do so and have worked with him for well over a year now. It wasn't that difficult to find someone - more people applied for the jobs than there were positions available, I know lots of TA's who enjoy working with distressed behaviours. A 5 year old is not seen as particularly challenging (however much they throw themselves around) by the many people who work in this field. There are no shortage of people who would willingly work with this boy - and if they advertised it accurately (so didn't hide the problems) they might get someone who knew what they were doing. I'd never apply for a regular TA's job, nor would I apply for a SN one unless it made it clear that it would be working with someone with distressed behaviours - then I'd be tempted. There are plenty of other people out there like me. The OP should not be made to feel there aren't people out there who would love working with her son. There are.

The problem is it takes ages to get the funding - and that's if you can. it took 8 or 9 months to get the funding for Ds1's 2 TA's. And that was from a special school where they new what they were doing with funding bids - mainstream schools are often clueless. He was never excluded (they couldn't really as they knew what the impact of that would mean to him) but it was a struggle for the school to keep everyone safe while they waited. Ds1's funding is exceptional though and part of a 24 hour package - it's just not something that LA's will generally dish out. I think he's the only one in the school with that level of funding.

The idea that LA's will spot a need and merrily hand some cash over is so far from what actually happens. It's always been bad - it's now a hundred times worse thanks to all the cuts.

OP your son is entitled to an education as much as any other child. With the correct/funding and placement he can get that. But you have to play the system very professionally. Start emailing the LA - and start cc'ing your MP (I do this when the LA are breaking rules - just put a one line FYI to the MP at the top along with my address and phone number - or he won't read the email) and ask him to file it). I once did a little experiment. When I didn't cc the MP it could take me 5 days + until never to receive a reply. With the MP cc'd it was between 4 minutes and 24 hours.

I can't agree that "distressed" is a better term than "violent". I've taught many DCs who have "distressed" behaviour that doesn't involve attacking anyone. Mealy mouthed terms don't help.

The time I worked as a 1 to 1 was because the school couldn't get a TA prepared to work with the boy so they had to pay teacher's rates for me to do it. I've worked in Special Ed for years and it isn't always easy to recruit TAs, or even teachers, where there is violent behaviour.

Second the idea of copying in letter to your MP. A letter to the director of children's service also accelerated things for us as it meant they knew they could no longer claim ignorance of the situation and were as culpable as everyone else should ds2 either have seriously hurt himself or others due to inadequate support. .

Some children lash out when distressed. That does not make them violent.

using or involving physical force intended to hurt, damage.... - violent behaviour implies some intent to harm, rather than a behaviour that is the result of anxiety, distress or fear. It isn't mealy mouthed to describe an extreme behaviour accurately. If a child bit down as a result of sensory seeking behaviour, or had a tendency to fling them self back due to physical difficulties - I wouldn't describe their behaviour as violent.

He is entitled to a full time education. If you want him to attend in the afternoons say that you will not pick him up unless they officially exclude him and they will have to do this every time they want you to pick him up. If they are saying they cannot meet his needs, they have to say this officially and I think they will be reluctant to do so because the LA won't like it.

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Please contact IPSEA for assistance.

If the strategies aren't working - is the diagnosis correct? Is it definitely ODD or PDA? Pathological Demand Avoidance is sometimes confused with ODD.

Ignore the people on here who have no clue about how hard your life is with a child with SEN. Stay strong. Sounds like you need a break.

Sometimes you can access a Carers 'break' through local caters charities... if you're at breaking point can your DH step up? I'd also quit the decorating for now to take the pressure off.

Hope things improve for you soon. Take care

Januarymoods - you are out of date. Distressed behaviours is the preferred term - partly because remembering children & adults with learning disabilities of some sort displaying challenging behaviours are distressed is more likely to result in an appropriate response.

The main aim when someone is distressed should be to restore calm. Labelling them violent & thinking about them as something to be controlled will usually just escalate the situation.

I'm sure I have been thrown across more rooms than most people on here - in my experience is it essential that anyone working with children or adults who show physical behaviours understands and is not offended by it being referred to as distress. Start talking about violence & you're on a hiding to nothing.

That's just your opinion. Violent is the way I still hear it described by those working in the field. To differentiate from self harming or general classroom wrecking without a human victim. You call it what you like and so will I.

If people get hurt then it was violence, deliberate or not.

Januarymoods you dont get it do you? One of the most important aspects of kids with additional needs is the appropriate framing of their behaviour which you seem unable or unwilling to do.

I hear what you're saying, I just don't agree. Teachers do use the word violent, maybe not in front of parents but they do use it. It's daft to pretend they don't.

How do you differentiate distress where there is damage to things and distress where someone gets hurt? It's an important difference.

Luckily ds1's teachers (& all the other people who work with him) don't use the word violence. They're better trained and more experienced in behaviour than that. If I ever hear someone using the word violent I assume they don't have training TBH.

Ds1 lashes out and hurts people when extremely anxious. If you treat him as something to be managed and controlled & contained it will quickly escalate to dangerous levels. If you recognise he is distressed and extremely anxious you get back to baseline far faster.

Personally I prefer recognising it for what it actually is and saving myself a few bruises.

I'm sure teachers with bugger all understanding of distressed behaviours do use the word violence. It just demonstrates they haven't been properly trained and shouldn't be working with children in distress until better trained.

Luckily ds1 is only around the well trained who talk about distress. Those that can't see it that way tend to give entirely the wrong reaction & end up escalating the situation (which when you're working with someone man sized isn't a particularly bright thing to do- hence the people around him are very up to date and well trained).

My child's school call them distressed behaviours and list them. Hitting self, biting otherd and so on.
Calling distressed behaviours violence, is not helpful and people who do that shouldn't be working with children who have those behaviours.

They don't use in in front of parents, I already said that. Stop frothing.

Staffrooms are places where people use shorthand, we know what we mean. If someone is hurt by a DC's aggressive behaviour then it was an act of violence, not deliberate, but still it was violent. I don't understand why you have such a problem with it, frankly.

You can make as many assumptions as you like. Describing violent behaviour as violent behaviour doesn't mean you lack respect for the child.

I work with physically challenging behaviours january - and no-one uses 'violent'. Look up the definition of violence - it's not accurate to describe what happens when someone has some sort of learning disability.

Yes I have heard people use it - prior to being properly trained. Personally I think getting people to understand that physical behaviours are often a sign of distress is the best start to properly managing behaviours. I've seen staff teams turned around by this simple understanding (&a they love it as they get hurt less and calm children/adults better - win win.)

It would be considered unacceptable to use the term violent at my son's school. It is not in the mindset of the school. I know it is used in some schools as one local school uses it when talking to parents but all schools are not the same.