To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

It's still the 1950'same out there really isn't it

My son (ASD/PDA) had a similar situation from when he started in nursery. He was excluded a few times, and a part time timetable was suggested. We refused, as I was working, and luckily they didn't argue the point. I was utterly at wits end, we were thinking about special schools, the lot.

What the school did then, was spend a lot of time talking to us and understanding how best to reduce his triggers and manage his meltdowns. The school has been amazing, frankly. They were going to get in a one to one but with adjustments it wasn't needed in the end.

Within weeks, he was a different child. I'm not going to say he's perfect, because he certainly isn't. He still has the odd flare up which will last a few weeks until his anxiety reduces, but the school are onto it and we meet and discuss strategies/likely causes etc. Amongst other things he has a little card he can bring out to show teachers/classmates if he can't find the words and is getting angry but there's so much more to their strategies than that.

He's in Y1 now, and at parents evening I heard the magic words "on target for Y1 academically" and I nearly passed out in shock.

His behaviour at home improved dramatically as well once he wasn't as scared about school. And as a previous poster said, when he's behaving, if anything he behaves better than most because he knows the rules - he only breaks them (spectacularly!) because he is frightened or frustrated and has little impulse control.

Not saying every special need can be accommodated with mainstream, but if a school DOES do something, it can make all the difference. It may well not have to be the way it is for you and I can fully understand why you're so pissed off. I also can completely relate to needing a break (it's one of the main reasons why I went back to work, I'm a better parent now I have that time away)

I have no advice, other than what people have suggested about SENDIASS etc. The school SHOULD be doing better, and I can fully sympathise with your situation and I hope things improve.

It's not as simple as it's affecting us decorating, I mean yes it does need to be done especially his bedroom as he has a new bed coming in two weeks but that isn't the main issue at all.

*supply = support

They had nurture rooms, sensory spaces and a garden, lots of special educational needs toys and resources, a buddy system, etc, all of which my ds's school do not have.
Not all schools are expected to have all these things. E.g. sensory rooms and gardens. In my area dofferent primaries have different SEND specialisms e.g. one primary has a unit for children with ASD (with sensory rooms etc) so children may go to that primary instead of going into a special school.
Other schools are specialists in sensory impairment e.g. hearing visual so their TAs are trained up in that so children with extta needs can tap into thay rather than going out of mainstream.

Expecting all primary schools to have sensory room, nurture rooms and gardens etc is a bit unreasonable. Huge amount of resourcing for very few children (especially as within a school there's a range of SEND)

Which is why the school getting your child an individual plan is so important so they can access support and servives etc or look at changing school.

I'm so sorry Op, that you are going through this and for some of the nasty uneducated replies to your post. I don't have any practical advice as I am just at the start of the process of getting my dd assessed for asd.

I wanted to say, of course you feel tired, strung out, unable to get things done, parenting is hard, parenting a child with additional needs is another level of challenge on top. Please whatever is happening with your ds, try to take care of yourself, have some alone time (I know, dream on right!) I am starting to do this and it is helping a little. for you you can do this, it sounds like you are advocating for your ds admirably.

Thanks Worral. I know that no one will believe me but he's hasn't learnt it from me. My dh hates swearing and pulls his face if I say sod or bugger! He learned some weirdos in nursery and they have stuck with him and there is a other child with Sen in his year (the other class) who swears a lot and the teachers have told me he's picked a lot of from this little boy.

For all those saying that he is entitled to a FT education, I agree but if there is a problem (I couldnt see what the problem was from the information given) and the school does not have the facilities to cope they should be assisting with education elsewhere surely? Or at least referring to the LA. Other children also need their education IF OPs child is disrupting (no idea if this is the case)

Thanks Queen x

I gave the OP my full support earlier, but just because her child has SN does not make that child more important than any other child in that class. I would hate to be in her position and I have full sympathy.

I also have full sympathy for the little girl who got a pencil in her eye. All I am saying is EVERY child, not just those with special needs should have an education in a safe environment.

It does not make me want to 'tuck them away out of sight' as so put by gamerchick, thats horrid.

Its just very clear the school cannot have him in the class full time because they can't cope with his behaviour and have reached a compromise. The OP's son does not take priority because he has special needs. The other children do not take priority because they don't have special needs. However the safety of all children (including the op's) takes priority over everything.

I hate it when people think you are slating children with special needs when you point out the obvious but ignore when you offer support and advice.

Excuse me for wanting to protect my son from a violent situation when at school. Must make me a bad mother.

For those saying that there are obviously issues at home too - maybe, yes. If a child has ADHD, they have it 24/7 don't they?

The difference is we learn to manage behaviour at home. We learn to cope. On a 1-to-1 basis within the safety & familiarity of your own home, this is much easier to do than in a busy school.

So much so, that you start to manage the behaviour so well it becomes your norm and you don't necessarily notice you are having to do anything that much different to any other parent.

It is always much easier to cope with challenging behaviour from your own child than from someone else's whilst you are also trying to teach 29 other children.

So, in short, OP probably has ways of coping with DS at home - as exhausting as they may be. What she would like advice with is DS's school issues.

Teacher here. Had a very similar situation with a reception child 3 years ago. Behaviour support wouldn't touch him, he was too aggressive/violent. Ed psych had a huge waiting list to assess him, at least 12 weeks before the process could even start. The child punched, spat, kicked, swore, bit, the whole works. He was put onto a reduced timetable (which his parents weren't happy with, something similar to your issue, they were tired of doing pick-ups and dealing with him in the afternoons etc) eventually he was removed from my school, started another on a reduced timetable and is now in a special school. Mainstream schools cannot (and shouldn't have to) deal with this level of aggression.

It's worth remembering that both staff and students have a right to be safe in the school environment. Your child is putting staff and pupil safety at risk by behaving so aggressively.

School have brought professionals in but what I'm saying is they should have done a lot more before it got to this point. The local authority refused to assess my ds becusse they felt school hadn't done enough hence they awarded funding first. It was only when I telephoned them and told them how bad things were, and that even if school did put things in place I feel nothing would change, as it's too little too late, did they change their minds and agreed to assess him.

Becks, you can talk about the decorating if you want. That alone is stressful nevermind everything else you are having to contend with.

Anyone who would focus on that after everything you have posted is a twat and forgets what the fuck MN is actually for.

You shouldn't have to defend yourself the way you are here.

I have a 5 year old with autism and 2 years ago he sounded like your son minus the swearing and throwing. He only ever hit us. We managed to get in into the right nursery and wow it changed everything. He started school in August and it's amazing how much he has changed. He's went from hyper never sitting still climbing to dangerous heights. To a calm child who 99percent of the time is well behaved. I'll be honest he did have a child hit him a few times and we got that child removed from his school transport as my son and others have the right not to be hit going to school. My sons school is a sen school but they do not tolerate violence either but will work with parents to try and reduce it. It sounds like your council need to more your son to a better placed school and you yourself may need to shout until it happens. Go above the school talk to the highest ranking person you can it the only way it will change x.

Thanks Worral. I know that no one will believe me but he's hasn't learnt it from me.

Well I believe you.

Apart from the amount of swearing I hear in the streets, supermarkets, on buses etc... he's also bound to hear it in the school playground.

I believe you too, OP.

For the 'well I wouldn't want my child ...' frankly, shame on you

TBH, I think a permanent exclusion would be best for all concerned. This school cannot meet your ds's needs. The LA will be obliged to find somewhere else for your ds if his current school permanently excludes him. The current situation is extremely harmful to your ds's emotional health and hugely harmful to the other children in his class, also. A school with better provision would be a good thing (and possibly, ultimately, a special school).

creampinkrose
I dont think other posters are judging.
Theyre just suggesting that a child (regardless of need) should not be allowed to place other children at risk.

Only saying because there are threads on MN where people are furious that their child has been hurt at school by other children and one lately the school's 'reason' was that the child had other issues. Lots of people went mad.

I work with children who have additional needs, some of them complex. One of my best friends has had a nightmare getting help for her child so I can see the issues. Also had the struggle of trying to get extra help for some of my students with extra needs.

Not saying the a OP school is amazing and communication could have been much better but it's not unreasonable to consider the needs of the class.

I understand that staff shouldn't have to put up with this sort of behaviour but no one is answering my question (at school) as to why it's getting to this point were my ds feels the only way he can get control is by lashing out and hitting someone. I have asked for a school to home diary as I wanted to see if I could see a pattern with his behaviour but they still haven't given me one. When I'm called in to collect him for bad behaviour I ask them what happened before hand to cause my ds to do what he did and they just causally say oh it came out of no where and there was no trigger. Well, I may not be a teacher but I know my son and for him and most kids with Sen there is always a trigger.

Thanks Mistress x

I'm glad my child is in special school and doesn't have to mix with the children of the 'i wouldn't want you' crowd.

I've asked school outright if they can meet his needs and they keep assuring me that they can. Even at the meeting last week they tried to reassure me in front of all the professionals involved that they will always meet his needs but clearly they can't if they're having to put him on a reduced timetable and keep sending him home.

Op you have drip fed all the work your son's school and your local authority have done for your son, including 1 to 1 support within the classroom.

Yet your opening post is that you 'hate' the school.

You are understandably tired and fed up with your situation but what if it was the other way round and your child was on the receiving end of being spat at, sworn at, intimidated and hit at only 6 years of age?

Why is it a nasty and judgemental parent who doesn't want their child subjected to continued emotional and physical abuse and extremely disturbed behaviour?

Your ds is entitled to an education that SUITS HIS NEEDS.

Why would decorating your house, having a rest and quiet shopping trump the demands of 29 little children who are probably scared by now of having such a volatile little boy in their class who clearly cannot cope and is expressing that in the only way he can?!

Op the responses on here are measured and largely supportive of you ad your needs for getting what is best for your ds. But you come across as lacking empathy of others and their right to have a safe educational environment.