To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

Frayedham is right. Not sure how to link on my phone but Google high needs funding in mainstream schools and there is a .gov page that explains how the funding works.

Sorry if I am perpetuating a myth, it was the Ed Psych who told me that, something to do with high needs funding and how historically the LA had been paying twice for SEN support but the new system meant this no longer happened.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/high-needs-funding-arrangements-2016-to-2017/high-needs-funding-2016-to-2017#high-needs-funding-arrangements-pre-16

the table in 5.4 backs up what the Ed Psych told me.

OP I feel for you. In my experience mainstream schools and teachers misunderstand and hate ADHD. They just don't get it. I got my son out before he was permanently excluded as I think it is fundamentally wrong that a child has to fail before they are helped.
We home educated for a tough year before finding the right school that can meet his needs.
It sounds as if your ds's school really don't want him there - get him out to somewhere that does want him before there is real damage to his well being and self esteem.

First of all sorry to hear what you are going through. I work in an asn department in Scotland, prior to this in special schools. There are massive differences between our education systems so I can't comment on due process or legalities as it's all different here.
What will be the same, I imagine is the lack of training for mainstream teachers and a lack of support for staff. When I can into the department the first thing I noticed was how few staff we had to deal with high tariff primary aged pupils who are trying to succeed in an environment that is not appropriate and sets off a whole variety of triggers daily. My staff and myself are hit daily but we choose this job and love it we also understand the challenge and some of the communication behind the behaviours. Most mainstream teachers don't. They are getting more children with complex needs into large classes where the environments are highly stressful and can't see or understand the triggers so truly believe it comes from nowhere.
Op hand on heart I would look Tat moving your son to a school that will support him and allow him to thrive, this doesn't have to be a special school. Ask the school to show you their plan of what they are doing to support your child now, what changes are being made and how they expect this to change tor sons experiences in the school. Also don't ask for, demand a home/school book, and don't let them just use it as a place to write how 'naughty' your son is 😠 as they will fail to do all of this you can then say to la they are not meeting your sons educational needs and he needs a different school that will.
Inclusion does not mean all children doing the same thing in the same school. It's all children having the opportunity to do their best, to be challenged and supported within an environment and an education system that allows to to be safe, nurtured, happy and to achieve!!!! We all should be working together to ensure all children get this.
(Sorry rant over) x

OP I knew my DC needed specialist provision from age 3
I spent 3 years hassling the HT to statement DC
DC was on a Pt timetable and HT still insisted mainstream was correct
We moved schools and found a very supportive HT who agreed specialist provision was needed. DC has been out of school since June. They are 10 now and the LA have just backed down and saved us from tribunal
It's a nightmare. I need DC in school. I need the break like you do
My advice. Use the SN boards in here and avoid aibu. Typical parents don't have a clue
Join FB groups. SENaction is excellent and there are a couple of EHCP UK groups that are useful
SENDIAS too can help
Good luck OP

Although many are saying that he is entitled to a full time education, if he is on a reduced timetable the school should be setting work to be sent home which makes up the rest of the timetable and therefore allows an absence code on the registers that shows that the child is being educated. I doubt that the school would choose this option lightly however as this data will be reported to the local authority and their exclusion and reintegration team. If the op's ds is difficult at home then the behaviour at school is likely to result in the rest of the child's class receiving a lesser education as a result of the attention being focused on this child. If an ECHP is still being sought than there will not be any funded teaching assistant hours for this child, if the school has to support the class teacher and the child with a TA than this will be out of the schools own budget, taking resources away from the rest of the school. Whilst I appreciate that OP is in a difficult family circumstance, and I do sympathize, a reduced timetable sounds better than forcing a full time timetable and risking increased exclusions. If a child has more than 15 days exclusions in a certain time period than a permanent exclusion could be legitimately pushed by the school, which the OP does not want as they need to get the EHCP sorted first as this will enhance the child's changes of getting into the right setting, with the right support. It's a catch 22, but I would put up with it until I had the EHCP. Massive sympathy to you OP however, it's not a great situation to be in for anyone concerned.

Bumsex - but is that allowed by the people who said op's ds could have 25 hrs in total? Do they know it's being shared? Why hasn't the other sn child got their own allowance, how is it right that ops ds has had his allowance taken away/shared after it's been allocated for him alone? Can op insist the school provides the 25 hrs her day has been allocated?

I questioned this at our SEND hearing, we where supported by IPSEA, the 6K only applies to adults, not children.

From the link provided above, at no pint can I see that the 6k applies to children but can see it states with to adults

As I said before also, when we had our hearing we where told it was a misconception and not policy or law.

Lots of ignorant ill informed comments on this thread. My son is 3 and we are just starting the long process of an ASD assessment. It's hard, really really hard. Nursery have put him on SEN register but mostly their response has been 'he's fine here we don't see any of the behaviour you describe' and make us feel like we don't 'parent' properly and patronise us when we try to discuss concerns.

Long road ahead...

Good luck op.

So we have two gov.uk pages contra dictinf themselves... SEND and ISPEA who won my nephews hearing which resulting him in receiving a place at the special needs school that we choose.. and your govern bodies are also saying advising you differently.

My representatives and our educational lawyers have advised me it's a common misconception.

Cantstanddisney is spot on.

Thanks Dixie, I think that's my main concern that if he masks behaviour at school/nursery then they will just ignore it as he's not disrupting others, never mind the fact he's actually in his own world doing same things over and over. It actually felt like they didn't believe us when we told them what his meltdowns could be like, then there was shock and horror all round when he did have a meltdown at pick up recently and was swearing, banging his head on wall and biting DH. The response then was oh this must be a phase or he must be copying someone. FFS. Apparently they are going to arrange a meeting with Senco, teacher, health visitor and us so I am hoping for some reassurance that things will be put in place before reception. I won't hold my breath! Echo what others have said about the Sen boards and IPSEA being invaluable.

MsJamieFraser's link is defining the eligibility criteria for the high needs funding. The 19-24 aged group must have an EHC plan with a top up need above 6k, whereas the 5-18 group may likely have one but it isn't a necessity. According to that link, LA's are not permitted to use the high needs funding for pupils over 19 without an EHCP hence the definition.

Dixie's link gives how the LA top ups are applied according to the setting.

Get off AIBU and come over to the SN boards. There are parents there who have vast amounts of experience and empathy and also loads of experience and knowledge regarding fighting for your child to access an appropriate education.

Nowhere else on this site is worth posting in if it is about SN. It becomes too depressing and upsetting..