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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To hate school for backing me into a corner

399 replies

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 13:31

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:32

hazey yes, unfortunately few and far between. But mainstream isn't nest for every child. Some thrive in smaller classes with a lot of structure and a reduced (in terms of content) timetable, where they didn't in mainstream.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 23:32

They have taken the money and are using some of it to fund 1-1 for another child. Which is why the ops child.has to.attend part time. This isn't allowed. The funding was for the ops child based in his level of need and is only supposed to be used for the ops child.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:32

What would YOU do, Kingpin20, in her position? I'm all ears.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:33

Thanks bum. If this is the case I can see the point about the money being 'misused'.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 23:33

Can see why many posters advised the op to have this moved to the sn board. The ignorance on here is infuriating.

FrayedHem · 18/02/2017 23:34

The OP has also said her DS doesn't understand why he being removed at lunchtime and wants to stay and play with his friends on the playground. Although the OP's circumstances can't be helped, she then has to take him back to the school to collect her older child which is adding to his distress. Which in turn is making homelife very difficult too. So really, maybe drop the whole "only caring about decorating why don't you care about your poor ds" stuff.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:36

Bumsex the ignorance is deliberate. I imagine that people who judge a parent of a disabled child who is being shafted by his school as "selfish" are the same kind of people who pull the wings off flies and torture kittens for amusement.

Spikeyball · 18/02/2017 23:38

There are some posters that deliberately target parents of children with sn and I think there is at least one of them on this thread.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:38

I find that extraordinary. I really do.

FrayedHem · 18/02/2017 23:39

The top up funding has to be used solely for the OP's DS and the LA equate this amount to 10hrs of 1:1. The school are obliged to use £6k of their notional budget on sen support for her DS, but it is not quite a simple as saying it has to be used for 1:1. It can legitimately be eaten up in other ways. Though I wouldn't fall down in shock if the school's breakdown of the 6k didn't quite tally with the reality.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:48

I wouldn't get too caught up in analysing the numbers...not having a go at anyone, btw, but trying to see how a best outcome would be possible remaining in mainstream...
If 6000 pounds is given for one child and 1to1 is expected for the child, does it then follow that the salary of the extra TA would be 6000pounds? Is this reasonable for a full time wage during term time? (genuine Q, don't know the current wages)

FrayedHem · 18/02/2017 23:51

6000 wouldn't be for fulltime support, my LA calculates that as 13hrs 20 minutes of LSA support per week. If more is needed then the school apply for the top up.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 23:52

The school pay the first 6k. The top up funding will cover the rest. Full time ta's earn 11-12k where I live but prob get more in the south. Hltas obviously earn more as well.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:58

Doesn't sound like many hours over the week...Again, apologies if Ive missed it, but I thought the OPs ds was in school every morning - this is his time allocated for by the funding? Any other time sounds like he needs more support than is funded for iyswim, and this is why he's on reduced timetable?
I imagine the TAs salary is only partly funded by 'his' money, therefore should be allocated elsewhere at other times.
I sympathise with your situation OP, none of it is ideal.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:58

sorry bum, posted b4 yours came up

kingpin20 · 19/02/2017 00:00

Leatherfireguard

You asked what would I do? For starters I wouldn't try to force a school that couldn't cope to have my child longer so I could get a rest every afternoon. Based on the fact that they 'should' have those resources there. They don't. I'd move past that. Because my child's needs would come above my own. As do the needs of the 29 other children currently affected.

I'd be fighting tooth and nail to get him an education that he was able to thrive with even if that meant having him at home part time or even full time until I was able to get him a placement somewhere more suitable with the right resources. Granted, not easy. And I'm sure not quick.

The current school rightly or wrongly cannot cope. I really don't know what you want them to do about that. Just saying 'well they should' doesn't get anyone anywhere really.

BeccaAnn · 19/02/2017 00:01

the school isn't looking after his SEN needs, they are paid to educate the children and hopefully once his assessment comes though he'll be able to get full SEN assistance in the classroom. the school is being shit quite frankly and I'd kick up a stink about it. poor kid.

Flowers for you both xxx

Leatherfireguard · 19/02/2017 00:01

The first £6k comes from the school. Then the LA have supplued top up funding. This SHOULD equate to a FT education for the child. Plainly it isnt, so some of that money is being spent eksewhere and yet the school are refusing to admit theyre not meeting his needs (which they must do in order for him to get the EHCP) and are illegally sending him home. It beggars belief that they can be this crap, and his poor mother has to pick up the slack.

Leatherfireguard · 19/02/2017 00:05

Kingpin20 the OP is fighting tooth and nail. If she doesnt send him in they'll be all over her. If she removes him and home educates (and christ knows that isnt an easy option) the LA have no further responsibility whatsoever.

The problem is that the school are taking the money for this child abd yet are not admitting that they cant meet his needs. The key is that the school are more honest, and enable the parents to attempt to find a more suitable provision.

Can you see, Kingpin20, how unfair your posts are? She is backed into a corner, by the school. Do you see that???

38cody · 19/02/2017 00:07

His behaviour must be extremely difficult for this to happen. The school must protect the other children's right to learn. You need to get an assessment asap and see if he qualifies for 1 to 1 support in school or if he needs a special needs school.
The current situation is not good enought - ask how long the reduced timetable is for and what the long term plans are to help him. Does the school have a good SENDCO? Make an appointment - they are sometimes much better informed than heads as some heads are corporate number crunchers who will want him out - others will want to bend over backwards to accommodate his needs.

FrayedHem · 19/02/2017 00:07

The school were giving fulltime 1:1 in September - December (though he was excluded a few times).
5 weeks ago put on reduced timetable of 15hrs with 1:1.
LA topped up 10hrs at EHCP refusal saying DS now has 25hrs of support.
LA then agree to assess after OP went to mediation for help.
DS remains on part time timetable and LA are happy with this arrangement.

FritzDonovan · 19/02/2017 00:10

leather I have full sympathy here, but facts are (at least where I have worked) that no matter what LA say, the funding often doesn't cover what it should. In the last place I work in, SEN dept worked very hard to get all possible funding, yet the dept was cut back severely, few TAs left to support the same number of kids, and ppl were being asked to take early retirement to save money. There's obv not enough money available for the required support in a lot of cases. As pp said, its probably time to look elsewhere at a school which copes with SEN better. OPs energy would be better spent at a more reasonable/able school. Not saying its right,but it would prob be less stress long term.

FritzDonovan · 19/02/2017 00:12

(Although I accept this was not the original Q!)

Leatherfireguard · 19/02/2017 00:15

Fritzdonovan notwithstanding the funding situation, specialist provisions wont take children without EHCP. So even if the school wanted rid of the child they have to at least faciliate that, not do half a job and keep the money.

For children WITH an EHCP the LA has a legal obligation to deluver what is in the EHCP. No ifs and buts.

FritzDonovan · 19/02/2017 00:20

leather I see your point. So this should be the next step... thanks Grin