To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

JamieFraser

I just wanted to say that a couple of the comments aimed at you were unfair and really shitty.

You have not come across as lacking in empathy in the slightest and pointing out your typo in response to you saying your child and husband was set on fire was astonishingly mean

OP, you have got some great advice here and I hope it helps. I can't imagine how hard this is for you right now

Thought of this last night and forgot to post. It's not about school but if you feel overwhelmed have you thought about respite my 5 year old with asd gets 24 nights a year and it's really helpful for us to have a little bit of us time with him enjoying himself in a safe environment.

OP, I've been where you are. The current set up is clearly not working and your son should be getting a full time education. That said, I think there are some situations where you can use all your time and energy fighting the system and still get nowhere. I've been home educating my dc for the last two years and while I get even less time to myself, I can honestly say that it is so much less stressful. DC is much happier away from the stresses of school and is learning and thriving; challenging behaviour is a fraction of what it used to be. It's not a route I was ever planning to take but I dread to think what would have happened if I had left dc in a wholly unsuitable school environment.

In many ways you would be better off if they excluded him. At least then you would have evidence that the placement isn't working. It is awful to be on the receiving end of constant complaints about your child. I had this to a lesser degree about dd who has asd although the school didn't send her home, probably because they knew I would refuse as I work myself! Anyway you should not be having to pick him up at 12 every day. It isn't the right solution for you or your ds. You need to look for a school that will suit his needs. Start looking at all the special schools,units and also independent special schools around where you live and in neighbouring boroughs. Identify what you want for your ds. If you can bear it, refuse the reduced timetable and tell the school that they will either need to get in more support or they will have to exclude him in the meantime. I should also say that once my dd's school knew that I was going to move her to a specialist school, the number of incident reports tailed off dramatically. If I was being cynical I would say that they were gathering evidence to get rid of her!

Hello, Reading this thread has made me so sad. Been in a similar situation although my dd was not violent, she was deeply unhappy, disruptive and no one at her school was prepared to listen to me to make the very small changes that would benefit all involved. Add to that bullying towards her that no one would deal with, and I went everywhere and ended up with school threatening us with social services!!! She ended up physically shutting down, school then unofficially excluded her!! Again I went everywhere for help even local mp, no one wanted to know, it really was the lowest point of our lives. I gave up fighting for her at that school, I researched all in the area, met with them and sencos, moved her to a school quite a few miles away, thinking nothing would change. However this school is amazing, they have had senss team in, followed what her psychologist said to the letter, gave her a lot of ta support with no funding, Elsa, an advocate, worked completely with us, she is now academically achieving, she has friends, it's a joy to see. I was always told not severe enough for statement/echp, it's your parenting, she's naughty etc etc, teacher even wrote a letter to that effect to paediatrician and they closed her case! Sorry long read but my point is it can be turned around from desperation and despair. She is never in trouble now, she is kind thoughtful and a joy to be around (mostly as she's a teenager now lol) Moving schools worked for us, not saying it will work for everyone, but trust your instincts, go and see what else is out there to support your son, I never thought it could make such a difference to all of our lives. Take care and I wish you all the best x

I was always told not severe enough for statement/echp

I was told this too. It's bollocks a copout when they can't / won't be arsed fo help a kid.

Top up funding is hard to get and all schools are told they have to pay the £6000 first, this is why it is called top up funding. Also it is based on the previous term so you get paid the money back. On a part time timetable the next lot of money won't be given to the school unless they can prove he is in full-time and what support is needed.

These higher tarrif needs funding forms are a nightmare and it depends totally on who is moderating as to whether they agree or not. I know some schools who don't bother to apply now as the money it costs doing the form isn't worth what they get! SN is a joke, money has been cut and it's the children that suffer. To get an ehc plan these days is also like finding hens teeth, they don't want to give them out as most children should be funded by what schools already get. The system is a joke.

My sister was in this situation, albeit in Scotland and a good ten years ago now. She was excluded continually for her autism , if she stimmed or vocalised in primary she was shut out in the corridor. In secondary she was kept in two rooms all day, not allowed out and she started to become aggressive. Throwing chairs at teachers etc.

In 2008 after about ten exclusions in all she was transferred to a special school, the headteacher there wanted her to come and pretty much defied ed psych who wanted sister to stay in mainstream.

Fast forward ten years - sister has passed some exams, lives semi independently with a flat mate who has downs syndrome, attends a scheme for adults with disabilities Mon-Fri , has done work experience placements, has a boyfriend and many friends and hasn't been aggressive to another person for well over a year.

Going into a special school allowed her needs to be fully supported by experienced and trained staff. It gave her a chance to learn in a safe environment, explore new things. They had a huge focus on life skills - household running, health, cookery, socialising , basic work experience; as well as 'adventures' such as residential trips, 4x4 driving, designing and maintaining a garden, working with therapets..

All very very beneficial and I think if she had gone to a special school from day 1 she would never have been aggressive like she was. Sadly she didn't get diagnosed with her issues (severe autism, moderate learning difficulties, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalcula) until she was about 12 or 13 , an early diagnosis and early support makes all the difference.

Mum was told many times it was her fault- my mum has a history of mental health problems and takes non epileptic seizures, she was told her seizures were causing my sister's disabilities by traumatising her. Think that's BS, I don't think you can cause autism to happen through parenting decisions or difficulties.. funnily enough it never made things any easier , my mum believing she was a bad parent. If anything it made things 100 times harder!

OP I haven't got much useful advice but just wanted to say it sounds like an awful situation for all concerned: you, your son and your son's teacher, who is clearly not coping for whatever reason.

I don't know anything about the application process for special schools but I do have a friend who works in one and they sound very aware of the difficulties parents have coping with the children's behaviour at home and therefore have longer school days/shorter holidays than most schools. They also seem to err very much on the parents' suggestions for how to help their childrens' behaviour (eg special diets requested by parents because they think it makes a difference without a medical diagnosis). I don't know if this applies to all special schools or just that one though.

" if he is on a reduced timetable the school should be setting work to be sent home which makes up the rest of the timetable and therefore allows an absence code on the registers that shows that the child is being educated"

Just to clarify, school sending work home does not count as education provision and does not therefore contribute to the 25 hours. If the school is marking the time he is not in school in the register as a B (educated off site), they are doing so incorrectly. It must be marked as C for authorised absence or, more accurately in this case, E for exclusion.

Guidance on the use of a B mark states:

Code B: Off-site educational activity

This code should be used when pupils are present at an off-site educational activity that has been approved by the school. Ultimately schools are responsible for the safeguarding and welfare of pupils educated off-site. Therefore by using code B, schools are certifying that the education is supervised and measures have been taken to safeguard pupils. This code should not be used for any unsupervised educational activity or where a pupil is at home doing school work. Schools should ensure that they have in place arrangements whereby the provider of the alternative activity notifies the school of any absences by individual pupils. The school should record the pupil’s absence using the relevant absence code.

And goes on to say:

[...] In agreeing to a part-time timetable a school has agreed to a pupil being absent from school for part of the week or day and therefore must record it as authorised absence.

It also clearly states that part time timetables should be temporary and only used in exceptional circumstances.

they don't want to give them out as most children should be funded by what schools already get. The system is a joke.

The worst thing about the system is that schools are expected to fund the first £6000 of intervention for each child with SEN that they have, regardless of how many. Schools with a large number of children with SEN therefore see a much bigger impact on their budget than those with a few.

There is a direct disincentive for schools to have a reputation of being good for children with SEN.

I think the support funding for the OP's DS isn't a cut and dried 25hrs of 1:1.
The LA calculate the 6k top up to be equivalent to 15hrs LSA 1:1 support (in my LA 6k is calculated at 13hrs and 20 mins) and the LA are topping up 10hrs LSA support and saying he has a total of 25hrs support. But the school's 6k can be eaten up in intervention outside of 1:1 support. The school have already said the OP's DS needs supporting by a HLTA which may mean the the HLTA's rate already exceeds the standard LSA rate. So the LA are saying he has 25hrs of support, but the school's part isn't necessarily ring-fenced as 15hrs of 1:1. Yet the LA will still say he has 25hrs of support..

I know when I got a breakdown of DS1's statement funding from his first school, if there were any times he had a Teacher as support rather than LSA, (which included small group work,) the rate was x4 the LSA rate. And so the 15 minutes when a teacher was allocated for his support in assembly (he wasn't seated next to a teacher or anything just in the same hall) was the equivalent to an hour from the funding.

The school's notional budget is determined by the LA. My LA's formula uses 3% of Pupil Unit per child, then a calculation of the deprived index per child, an amount per child identified as having low cost high incidence sen and also FSM. It has a ring-fenced amount for EHCP's/statements above 6k.

Interestingly, the FSM is included in my LA but this must be tracked and accounted for which my DC's school failed to do, along with tracking any SEN funding(!)

Becks please fight fight fight. Get on to the education office at the Archdiocese and tell them EXACTLY what shit this school are putting you through. Are you Westminster diocese by any chance?

I have a 6yr old and most days he will come home and say that a child has pushed him or kicked him. 9 times out of 10 it isn't a child with sn. Young kids (especially boys ime - it wasn't as big a problem with my dd though it happened occasionally) lash out for a variety of reasons - playground arguments, not getting their own way etc. So kids hitting, as unpleasant as it is, will always happen.
Illegally excluding a child and reappropriating resources meant for them isn't the school doing their best. It is a school who is trying to get the childs parents to move them so another school has to deal with it.

It's all very well to say that kingpin but schools often don't bother to make reasonable adjustments even when they can and getting the LA to fund SN provision can take months
I'm my case the mainstream school didn't support SN provision because they wanted the funding that came with DC. It was used generally for the school and not for DC

kingpin20
The OP's school have

1. told her that her son's dx of ADHD and ODD are no excuse for his behaviour
2. put him back in reception which didn't work
3. a run of fixed term exclusions
4. only after the exclusions asked for help from the LA behaviour support
5. put him on a part-time table which is supposed to only be short term but have said it will remain until April
6. didn’t provide sufficient information for the EHCP 7 ) never identified any triggers
7. are not receptive to home/school communication

This isn't a school doing all it can and it's questionable whether they are doing all they must by law.

Since being on the part time timetable the OP has found her son's behaviour at home harder to manage. He is distressed on being collected at lunch and then again when they pick up her older child. As the LA has now agreed to assess for an EHCP she isn't going to want to risk jeopardising it, as they had initially refused to assess at all. It's no wonder she is on her knees and letting off a bit of steam on an Internet forum.

And likening the behaviour from a 6 year old with ADHD, ODD and possible ASD as "physical and emotional abuse" is pretty inflammatory. My eldest was picked on physically and verbally at play and in lessons for at least a school year by the same child. I removed him because the school was incompetent. I don't view the child who picked on mine as an abuser.

And the OP hasn't said her child is targeting anyone, more that he loses control when he gets upset and lashes out. As he has 1:1 support for the 15hrs a week he is in school for, there should be adequate measures in place that protect the other children.

"Not being controversial, but you would happily put your 6 year old child in a class where you know they will be subjected to potential physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis from another child? " That is not what this is about, no-one is saying this should be allowed to happen. What they are saying is that the school need to put measures in place to prevent behaviour that harms others or they need to admit that they are not able to provide a suitable environment for the child and will therefore engage with the LA to get an alternative plan or placement in place without failing to meet the child's right to a full time education.

Schools get an extra £2000 funding per child for children with sen but it is up to the school whether this is spent on the child or even if it is spent on sen provision full stop. Schools/LAs are ultimately responsible for meeting the needs of sen children but unless parents go through the lengthy and draining process of challenging them legally they can basically do what they like. A lot of parents don't know what their childrens rights are, a larger than typical proportion of parents of children with asd/adhd have traits or diagnosis themselves that prevent them from being able to advocate for their child as fully as they might and other parents are barely getting through the day as it is without adding legal challenges to their to-do list.

And the op has had to give up her job. I think she's entitled to feel it is unjust. I'm sure most people on here wouldn't just accept it if their childs school told them they unfortunately only had the resources to accommodate their child for half of the week. It's only when a child has a disability that people think this is acceptable.

Where has the op said her child has stabbed another child in the eye with a pencil?

Kingpin

39 other kids in the class? Stabbed in the eye with a pencil? That's life? Palm her child off? Fuck me, are you Paul Nuttall?